Creampuff Revolution

Creampuff Loves Lindy West

If you don't know who Lindy West is, educate yourself. She is amazing and I love her.

She writes about a lot of political things and personal things, but I think my favourite headline of hers was My wedding was perfect - and I was fat as hell the whole time.

With all the crazy shit going on in the world right now, there are a lot of people with a lot of opinions and they just won't shut up. But as I said to Katr just yesterday morning, "I am SO TIRED of listening to people OPINE about things. ENOUGH with the OPINING. Except for Lindy West, I'd listen to her opine about anything."

Waaaay back in June of 2016, Lindy West came to Vancouver (!!!) to promote her book Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman and I was beside myself with glee.

I got two tickets to the reading because my friend Elai said she was interested in coming, not so much because she was a Lindy West fangrrrl, but because Lindy was doing a reading, a talkback AND a signing, and Elai is friends with the Globe and Mail's Marsha Lederman, who was moderating the talkback.

Elai: "Marsha's so nice. We can say hi to her after - maybe she'll introduce you to Lindy West!"

Me: ALL THE SCREAMS EVER.

A couple of weeks before the event, Elai texted with some bad news. She couldn't come to the reading, because her husband Doai's niece was "graduating from high school" or some bullshit milestone like that.

Me: But...isn't she going to graduate again from university in a few years anyway? Lindy West is only here one night!! And you know Marsha! Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!

Elai: Sorry!!

Me: quiet weeping

So I ended up going to the reading solo. It was TOTALLY packed and Lindy was hilarious and real and lovely and Elai's supposed "friend" Marsha was an excellent moderator and asked great questions. Afterwards, I bought two copies of the book and stood in line to get them signed.

I'm not going to lie. I got a little emotional. I might have had a little cry. "This must be how girls felt when they were meeting the Beatles," I thought to myself, as I dabbed at my dewy eyes with a bar napkin, "but Lindy West has WAAAAAY better hair."

To speed things along, one of the organizers of the event handed out post-it notes and pencils. You were supposed to just write your name out for Lindy West to copy into your book, so she wouldn't have to be all "How's it spelled? Got it. 'To Roko, my biggest fern' ". It was a long line, so I had some time to compose the bon mots I hoped Lindy West would agree to write into her book.

I got up to the front. It was my turn. I was no longer crying but my eye was twitching.

Me: "I'm so nervous!"

Lindy West: "You don't need to be nervous! I'm just a regular lady."

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Lindy West was very kind. She signed my books as requested and laughed gamely at my nervous jokes. It was by far the loveliest fangrrrl experience I've ever had. Thank you, Lindy West, for living up to my completely unrealistic expectations.

Here is how Lindy West sign my & Kate's book:

As I mentioned, I bought a second book and that one was for Elai. I waited nearly six months before I gave it to her for Christmas.

 Aaaaaand...SCENE.

Creampuff's Bits Could be More Fit

Katr and I both got Jawbone Up bands a few years ago as a fun way to keep track of steps and sleep. And it was fun for awhile. But then all of our friends also got them and we became "friends" on the app with our Up band friends. I suppose the social aspect of these fitness trackers are meant to encourage healthy competition but I found myself mainly feeling hatred for everybody. Then I left my Up band at home when we went to Mexico one year and when I came home, it wouldn't recharge and I thought "Great!" and didn't get a new one.

Then last year we got the puppy and suddenly I was walking A LOT more than I did with non-walking Emmy, the non-wonder dog and I thought that since I was walking ANYWAY, I wanted to know how MUCH I was walking, just for my own amusement. So I ordered a FitBit One. This time, I kept my information allll to myself and it gives me a little thrill every day, especially on the days when I reach or exceed that 10,000 step goal. 

Last week, I was sick and Drtr did the lion's share of the dog walking, so my daily step average was in the 4,000 range. But on Friday I was back out on pei patrol with Effie and we ran a lot of errands and I got 10,438 steps.

On Saturday, we took Effie to the park and ran a lot of errands and I set up my village and got 10,322 steps.

Then, on Sunday, I walked Effie around the block once, was driven to dim sum, then sat at my computer and bragged about setting up my village and I got...11,252 steps.

Wait so...what?

Obviously, the FitBit is misreporting. Probably just a technical glitch. But then this morning, I woke up and my left lower eyelid was puffy and bruised-feeling, like someone punched me in the face and I'm starting to wonder if maybe I took a long walk and got into a fight IN MY SLEEP.

Aaaaaaaaand scene.

Creampuff Wishes You a Happy Thanksgiving!

I was chatting with my beloved brother-in-law Drtr about memorable Thanksgivings and I realized that this year was the 20th anniversary of my favourite non-traditional Thanksgiving, which I spent with my BFF Padu in Toronto in 1996. Obviously, it was Canadian Thanksgiving but whatever, same diff.

It was my last year of university. My roommates has gone home for the weekend and Padu had trained in from Montreal. We were set for a magical celebration.

To kick off the day, we went to see a matinee of a play called Gulag by Robin Fulford. You can tell from the title that it's a cheery little number. Gulag is the sequel/companion piece to Robin Fulford's earlier play, Steel Kiss, which is based on the true story of a group of four teenagers who beat a gay man to death in Toronto's High Park and the sensationalistic trial that followed. We'd seen Steel Kiss at the Fringe in Edmonton a few years before and Padu was OBSESSED with it, probably because it's a really excellent and very compelling play. Gulag is about what follows - it takes place four years later, and we see the teen boys time in prison and a little bit about their lives once they're released. Spoiler alert - things aren't going well and it's, as the French say, un petit peu le downer.

After seeing some prison rape and hopelessness, we went to Wendy's for turkey burgers, because Thanksgiving.

Then it was movie time! Definitely important to see something light and fluffy after the pathos of Gulag, so of course we chose to see David Cronenberg's film Crash.

The Crash I am talking about is not the Oscar-winning movie about horrible racism and guns and cultural misunderstanding and car accidents. David Cronenberg's Crash is about people who get horny over car crashes.

For real.

Here is the trailer:

WHY DID WE SEE THIS MOVIE?? Oh god, it was so terrible. Maybe that's why we saw it. I just remember this one moment where Rosanna Arquette bends over and reveals a giant, vulva-like scar on the back of her leg and we're both like "OMG DON'T FUCK THE WOUND!" and the film did not oblige us.

UPSETTING.

After two hours of watching slightly bloody James Spader boning people in wrecked cars because it's the only way he could feel alive, it was obviously time for some shopping, so Padu and I hit the giant HMV store on Yonge St., where he LOST HIS SHIT because the original 1980s sci fi series "V" was on sale, so he bought it.

Padu: We should go back to your apartment and watch 6 hours of V!!!

Roro: Ha ha.

And then we went back to my apartment and watched SIX HOURS OF V and I will never be able to get this image out of my head:

And now, neither will you!

Thanks, Padu.

Anyway, I wish all of my American friends a happy, delicious, car-crash-sex-fetish free Thanksgiving.

Creampuff Makes Some Space

Every Friday since probably July, Katr looks wistfully around the office, assiduously avoids eyeing my own very cluttered desk, and says:

"Maybe we'll do some filing this weekend."

And I nod and say:

"Maybe."

What I don't add is "And maybe elves will do it because I will be knitting, mainlining Chicago Style popcorn and watching Gilmore Girls."

But today I woke up and realized that I had reached my desk clutter limit.  EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKED UP right now and the last thing one needs is to feel furious about clutter. There are SO MANY OTHER THINGS to feel fucking furious about AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (quiet weeping and refusing to link to anything).

Anyway, so I decided that nothing would make me feel like more of an in-control rock star than cleaning up my desk on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 

Here is the before. Look at this shit. Where even IS my desk? And what the fuck is the point of having art on the window sill if I can't fucking see it???

 

And here is the after! Ahhhhh. So much better.

 

I'm pretty jazzed about this because, as you may have noticed on your calendar, it is drawing near to VILLAGE TIME chez Roro and Katr OMG SO EXCITED FOR MY VILLAGE THIS YEAR YOU GUYS!!! I hear the mayor is a big fat lesbian. And I have a suspicion that the tiny village of Wintersea may be expanding...

 

Creampuffs at the VPL

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but we moved here in 2006 and have not had a library card until about a month ago.

I KNOW. 

Moreover, I still don't know offhand where the nearest Vancouver Public Library branch is...aside from the one on our corner, of course. I think there's one somewhere on Commercial? I don't know, whatever, I never go there.

Katr's been wanting to get a library card for YEARS now, partly because she's into libraries but also because the Vancouver Public Library lends ebooks that we can read on our Kobos. So when the stars aligned and we were going to be running errands near a library with a parking lot, I popped in to get a card. 

Katr: But I want to come in and get my own card.

Me: Why? You can just use mine. 

Katr (reluctantly): Okay.

Getting a card was super easy and free and as soon as I had it, Katr went online to request a few books. Fun!

A few weeks later, one of Katr's books was in! So, once again while we were out running errands, I popped in to pick up Katr's book while she went in to get her own card.

Since it was my first time picking up a book on hold, I asked the nice lady librarian where I should look for it. She very kindly took me over to the shelf and helped me locate my last name, then whipped the book off the shelf and said "Is this it?"

Katr had failed to mention that the book she had checked out using my card was called THE JET SEX and it looked like this:

Jet Sex.

It kind of reminded me of the time my friend Amy told me I really needed to request a little book I'd never heard of called Tipping the Velvet and when I went to pick it up from the library, the cover looked like this:

Thanks for the T&A, Amy. I blushed all the way home.

Anyway, back to Jet Sex. The library held it out expectantly. And I took it.

Me: Well, that's my name right there isn't it, ha ha. So...I guess that's my book. The Jet Sex. With that sort of spread-eagled stewardess on the cover. Which I totally knew about because I requested it.

Library: Great. Let's get you checked out.

Library technology has evolved now to where I don't even need to talk to the librarian anymore, apparently - using this machine, I could have checked my book out and been on my way. This would have been handy to know if I was checking out a book called The Jet Sex and felt embarrassed about that. Since it was my first time, the library said she'd show me how to use it.

Apparently, the machine was a little finicky and would not read the book. The librarian kept slamming The Jet Sex down on this machine like it was 50 Shades of Gray. "I don't get it," she said, as she really started to work up a sweat giving it rough to my book, "it usually wants you to bang it hard but it's...not....WORKING."

At this point, the quiet male librarian glided over.

Lady Librarian (showing Jet Sex no mercy): Carl, I can't get this to scan.

Carl: Well, you have to be gentle with it. Sliiiide it in. Here, I'll show you.

Carl slid it in. The book beeped and the receipt printed as Lady Librarian and I looked on.

Lady Librarian: I usually have to be quite rough with it.

Carl: Sometimes you need a slow hand.

Me: It likes a lover with an easy touch.

Awkward silence.

Me: Okay then, thanks!

In related news, Katr now has her own library card, which she wanted in the first place. Well played, Katr. Well played. You are now free to request Ultimate Porno - so long as you pick it up yourself.

A Great Day to be a Gay

I was SO sure I'd have good blog stories for this week, but none of the three SUPER fascinating and compelling personal sagas I'm involved with right now has come to a satisfying conclusion and I hate to tell stories that have no endings. That's too much like LIFE! And we all know that my blog is ART.

Fortunately, there are lots of super awesome things to talk about today. It's a great day for marriage equality, what with DOMA and Prop 8 being overturned (and also a great day for ladies with lady parts, what with Wendy Davis filibustering for reproductive rights in Texas), so I really just wanted to post this, which I totally stole from Kimli on Facebook.

YEEEAAAAAAAAAH! Suck it, DOMA and Prop 8! Gay all up in your face! Yay love!

Creampuff Rush

Can't blog. Too busy hitting "refresh" on the iTunes store, hoping this will be released a few hours early. ZOMG.

Hashtag: TakeMyMoney.

Creampuff Must Rethink Craigslist Strategy

Last week, I put this ad up on Craigslist. 

About an hour after I posted, I got a response.

"WOULD LIKE TO BUY. COLLEEN."

That was it.

Well...not everyone appreciates my rapier Craigslist wit. As per my strict "first come, first served" policy, I replied to Colleen and asked her when she wanted to pick it up.

"SATURDAY MORNING."

I told her that Saturday morning was fine, if she could get here by 9:30 a.m. because we had a social engagement (our lovely friend and houseguest Mome was taking us out for brunch and no one gets in the way of my goddamn brunch).

"SATURDAY 9:30 A.M. [Insert phone number here]."

I only give out our address to a Craigslist buyer once we've fixed a time to meet - and Colleen had also sent her phone number. So I gave her our address.

Fast forward to Saturday morning at 9:30,when Colleen fails to show up. I give her 15 minutes of leeway and then call her.

I get her voicemail which was, no joke, just someone grunting "COLLEEN" into the phone and then a beep.

Aw, BALLSACK.

I never used to have to worry about this shit when I lived in a building but now that we live in a house-like structure, in a neighbourhood where break-ins aren't unusual, I'm a lot more paranoid. Suddenly, I was pretty sure that Colleen was lying in wait for us to leave so that she could burgle my abode.

We briefly futzed around, waffling between just leaving the ottoman outdoors and hoping Colleen would leave the money in the mailbox and then angrily bringing the ottoman back indoors because I WANT MY TWENTY DOLLARS. 

Katr, Mome, Emmy Lou and I sat there in the car, torn. I really didn't want to get robbed...but I also REALLY wanted brunch.

"I guess I could just make brunch at home," I said in a martyr-like manner. Then Katr goes "Or we could just leave the dog behind."

My wife is a genius. An intruder would have to be very committed to try and rob our house with Emmy Lou in it. Because Emmy Lou is a loud, throaty barker. She barks at everyone who comes in the gate. She is awesome at it. She thinks it is her job. And on Saturday, IT WAS.

Thanks to Emmy Lou, we not only went to brunch with untroubled hearts, but also drove downtown to Mome's favourite Transylvanian bakery for nuga cake and to Commercial Drive so that I could grab a birthday present for my brother. And when we got home, Emmy was there, barking her fuzzy little head off. What a good dog. Good dog, Emmy. 

Colleen never called back or emailed.

This incident has caused me to reexamine my first come, first served Craigslist policy. Sometimes it works out great - but now that I think about it, there have been several times where the first person to respond doesn't ultimately end up being the buyer, because they're impulsively replying to Craigslist ads and don't have their shit together.

I got a second response to the ad about a day after first hearing from Colleen, which read, in part:

"I would like to purchase the ottoman, I do have a cat and I think he would quite enjoy it!"

The email also included the buyer's cell number and a firm offer to come pick up. And, mere hours after Colleen stood us up, Theresa showed up and bought our ottoman. She reports that her cat is LOVIN' it.

So I'm revising my Craigslist policy:

1. Buyer must comment on how funny my ad was or make a funny comment themselves or at least include a salutation in their email.
2. Buyer must indicate that they have an actual plan to pick up. Bonus points for using a phrase like "firm pick up" or "my husband has a truck and will pick up"
3. ALL CAPS MEANS NO OTTOMAN FOR YOU.

Anyway - Colleen, I hope you're okay and that nothing horrible happened to you. And if nothing horrible happened to you, I think it was pretty douchey of you to stand us up.

Creampuff Pretty Much the Oldest Nerd at the Book Signing

As you may recall, last Tuesday, I nerdishly lined up to buy Clockwork Princess - THIS Tuesday, I nerdishly lined up to get my book signed by the author Cassandra Clare ZOMG SQUEE. 

The book signing was at 6 p.m., and I couldn't get there until around 4 p.m.. I saw on the Twitter that the first person in line showed up at 7:30 a.m. (FOR REAL) and my heart was gripped with fear. 

By the time I arrived, the line was so long and winding that I couldn't figure out where it started or ended.

A bemused elderly Chapters employee had to lead me through the History, Fiction and Travel sections before depositing me in the Young Adult section, with a table full of Twilight and lot of very young adults, one of whom had to show Old Lady Rowe how to put on her wristband. 

Being at the back of the line blows, BUT *I* didn't have to stay there, because last week I made three AWESOME LINE-UP FRIENDS (Star Trek names for their protection = Fafe, Nicz and Tesc). After a flurry of texting, I discovered that Nicz and Fafe were further up in the line, in the Health and Wellness section and I got to go join them. HA ha! See you later, Young Adult suckas!

Speaking of Young Adult, I made sure to finish Clockwork Princess (So. Many. Feels.) before going to this signing, so that I wouldn't be spoiled on anything, only to discover that a lot of other people HADN'T finished the book so we were encouraged to keep our voices down when discussing what happened in the book.

I was like OMG, YOU LAZY FUCKS, YOU HAD A WHOLE WEEK! Fortunately, I only said that in my head, because the woman in line behind us explained that she let her tween daughter read the book first and that's why she was just a third of the way done and I felt bad for almost calling everyone who hadn't read the book a lazy fuck. Still, it kind of put a damper on the "What did you think about the part where ---" discussions I'd been looking forward to. Clearly, I'll have to find a good nerdly forum somewhere to air my feelings about the ending.

Speaking of books one hasn't read - Cassandra Clare was not the only author at this event. Totally hilarious and delightful YA author Sarah Rees Brennan was also there. I'd never read any of her books, but two of my lineup friends were all "Yeah yeah, Cassie Clare but OMG, SARAH REES BRENNAN, I'M GOING TO CRY!!!", so I bought The Demon's Lexicon as well, on their recommendation. And FYI, am very much enjoying it.

Tesc and Nicz dressed up for the occasion:

Some Shadowhunter runes...and a Team Nick costume I don't yet understand, but I'm assured all will be clear when I finish The Demon's Lexicon.

Fafe and I did not, because cos play is not mandatory. However, when in Nerd Rome...you MUST have your picture taken with the Chapters Will and Tessa costumed book characters:

The guy on the right is actually the Chapters employee who sold me my copy of Clockwork Princess. I hope these two very sweet people got paid extra for being groped by crazed book nerds all ding dong night. They were lovely.

After nearly two hours in line, the seating process began and thank god for Nicz, who lined up at 3 p.m., thus ensuring that we all managed to get seats for the Q&A (we were, in fact, almost the last 4 people to get seats and felt very smug). 

Katr found this photo of me on Twitter - hahahahahahahaha

There was a really good DJ. We did a lot of chair dancing.

There was a super sexy City of Bones movie poster, so we all took Tesc's photo next to it.

Then there was a lot of screaming, because the authors arrived.

Necz nearly DIED because Sarah Rees Brennan came out in the audience and STOOD. RIGHT. NEXT. TO HER.

Nerds had a lot of questions.

If you are so inclined, you can watch the whole Q&A here. Both Cassandra Clare and Sarah Rees Brennan are hilarious and generous with their fans and it was really fun:

I want you to know that even though I was there for this live, I will probably watch the whole 30 minute video again.

Then, came the signing frenzy - which was actually very well organized. Which is good, because SOME people had brought a lot of books.

Hilariously, I have a whole whack of photos of me chatting to the super lovely Sarah Rees Brennan, whose books I have yet to read...

...and not a single one of the two brief seconds where Cassandra Clare signed my book (she was also super lovely - but literally, two seconds, because SO MANY PEOPLE BEHIND ME). Book signings...always leave you wanting more. Fortunately, afterward, there was bubble tea.

And now...signed books!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and this one:

Nerdaciousness = COMPLETE. For now...

Creampuff's Birthday Surprise

It was my birthday on Sunday. Back in January, Katr asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday and since last year was so spectacular, I said to surprise me! AND SHE DID.

Firstly, she kicked off my birthday month with this blond beauty:

If you're not a knitter, you don't give a shit about this thing. But to turn a skein of yarn into a ball (which you must do before beginning to knit), you usually have to wind it by hand and it can take a LONG time. It once took me 3 hours to wind a particularly fractious ball of silk lace and by the time I'd finished, I was too tired and sore to start knitting. Come to think of it, I've NEVER knit anything with that silk lace. See? Trauma.

This combo of gadgets allowed me to wind a skein into a ball in about 2 minutes.

Jealous??

I'm in love. Hat tip to fellow knitter Jebr for suggesting this particular ball winder and swift to Katr! Heh heh...yeah. Balls.

Next, Katr nurtured my latest obsession by getting me a subscription to the most hilarious magazine ever created: Village D-Lights, the magazine for Department 56 crazy super fans.

It's like your grandma writes this magazine and her friend Phyllis takes the pictures.  It is indeed a d-light and I can't get enough. Also, Katr got me a copy of Village D-Tails, a collector's guide, so that I can obsess over all the village pieces she'll now have to get for me on eBay. Score!

Then there was my birthday cake. Now, my ideal birthday cake is an ice cream cake from Baskin & Robbins. But there's no Baskin & Robbins here and Dairy Queen "cakes" are, frankly, ass. Finding a good reliable purveyor of cake here has been harder than it should be...but then, Katr discovered MANCAKES Bakery.

Here's what you need to know about MANCAKES:

• They are cupcakes made by men
• Those men will bring the cupcakes to your house
• The cupcakes are fucking delicious
• Okay, the Buffalo Wing flavour was a little weird, but the rest of them...AMAZING

Seriously, Vancouverites - MANCAKES Bakery. KNOW ABOUT THEM.

As for my actual birthday day - I thought it would be pretty hard for Katr to top last year. I could SAY I had no expectations, but that wouldn't be true - I sort of figured that after our glamourous downtown overnighter last year, she'd tone it down this year and maybe take me somewhere new for dinner.

And I figured she'd probably invite our friends Doai and Elai, because we often share birthday fun with them (not in a swinger way, YOU PERVS...just in a tasting menu/high tea kind of way). So I was kind of surprised and a little sad when they came by two days before my birthday to bring me a birthday gift because "they weren't going to see me on my birthday." Huh. Well, maybe they had other plans...or maybe Katr had something special planned for just the two of us! But WHAT?? Katr refused to divulge.

As my birthday dinnertime approached, we drove to Kitsilano (not to the Richmond IKEA, where Katr kept saying we were going for dinner) and pulled up in front of Hapa Izakaya, a Japanese restaurant we'd never been to. As we walked in, I saw that the place was full of lovely intimate booths for two and the hostess led us to our table...set for 12. WTF?

Well, it turns out that Katr had invited 10 of our friends to join us for dinner. And that all of those friends had known about this for MONTHS and hadn't said anything. And that Doai and Elai had brought me my present early simply to DEKE ME OUT so that I would be completely and totally surprised.

AND I WAS!!

HAHAHAHAAA!! 

So basically, Katr is SUPER awesome and hilarious and sweet and wonderful and everyone who came and got Sunday drunk with us is also super awesome and sweet and wonderful and even though it was three days ago, I still feel a little drunk. Because I drank A LOT. 'Cause those Hello Kitties go down smooth. And now that I'm older, I hold my liquor even more poorly.