I joined Twitter years ago and stopped paying attention to it soon after because it seemed dumb.
But there were so many funny jokes about Trump that I got back into Twitter early in 2016 (or, as I now think of it, The Time Before) and now that everything is terrible all the time, I can't look away.
While, on the one hand, Twitter is a horrible cesspool of unpunched Nazis and abuse, there are also myriad learning opportunities when you follow different communities and it's fucking delightful.
I was already following Fat Twitter, Lesbian Twitter and Leftist Comedian Twitter, but since I got back into it, I've learned A LOT from following Black Twitter, Indigenous Twitter and Disabled Twitter.
And, for those really rough times, there's Cute Dog Twitter.
One of my favourite things about the Twits is that sometimes, cool people you love follow you back, probably by accident. My favourite Twitterer is author Sandra Newman, whose Twitter stream is filled with amazing non sequiturs and cutting political commentary and crazy tales about her life and when SHE followed ME, I thought I might explode with sheer nerdly joy.
Sometimes, though, I get followed by people even more glamorous than Sandra Newman:
Pretty sure that's legit.
Anyway, this week while I was scrolling through cute dogs and voter suppression outrage, I noticed a name that was trending - "Jacob Wohl". The name sounded vaguely familiar, so I did a little clickin'.
If you missed the whole "Jacob Wohl 'masterminding' a plot to frame Robert Mueller for sexual assault thing", Colbert can help you out.
I read up on Wohl's super asstastic attempt to smear Robert Mueller and enjoyed some hilarious tweets about his extreme ineptitude - but something about his rodentia-adjacent face also pinged my memory. HOW did I know about this guy before this whole thing happened?
OH RIGHT.
About a year ago, I tweeted something with an ironic #MAGA hashtag. But you know who doesn't always get irony? People who unironically use #MAGA hashtags. So Jacob Wohl, currently the subject of an FBI investigation for being a total dipshit, followed me on Twitter.
JEALOUS?? My friends sure were.
As I recall, it took about a week for him to unfollow me but I don't think it was because he realized I was a pinko lesbian - it was because I didn't follow him back. So FBI, if you're listening - and I know you are - I did not invite Jacob Wohl to follow me and all I know about him is that my friend Sith said he was a "notorious douche".
I'll let you guys know if I get called to testify.
In other Twitter-related news, I'm thinking about starting a Twitter-based match-making service! Because these two folks who follow me seem PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER:
