Last week, I put this ad up on Craigslist.
About an hour after I posted, I got a response.
"WOULD LIKE TO BUY. COLLEEN."
That was it.
Well...not everyone appreciates my rapier Craigslist wit. As per my strict "first come, first served" policy, I replied to Colleen and asked her when she wanted to pick it up.
"SATURDAY MORNING."
I told her that Saturday morning was fine, if she could get here by 9:30 a.m. because we had a social engagement (our lovely friend and houseguest Mome was taking us out for brunch and no one gets in the way of my goddamn brunch).
"SATURDAY 9:30 A.M. [Insert phone number here]."
I only give out our address to a Craigslist buyer once we've fixed a time to meet - and Colleen had also sent her phone number. So I gave her our address.
Fast forward to Saturday morning at 9:30,when Colleen fails to show up. I give her 15 minutes of leeway and then call her.
I get her voicemail which was, no joke, just someone grunting "COLLEEN" into the phone and then a beep.
Aw, BALLSACK.
I never used to have to worry about this shit when I lived in a building but now that we live in a house-like structure, in a neighbourhood where break-ins aren't unusual, I'm a lot more paranoid. Suddenly, I was pretty sure that Colleen was lying in wait for us to leave so that she could burgle my abode.
We briefly futzed around, waffling between just leaving the ottoman outdoors and hoping Colleen would leave the money in the mailbox and then angrily bringing the ottoman back indoors because I WANT MY TWENTY DOLLARS.
Katr, Mome, Emmy Lou and I sat there in the car, torn. I really didn't want to get robbed...but I also REALLY wanted brunch.
"I guess I could just make brunch at home," I said in a martyr-like manner. Then Katr goes "Or we could just leave the dog behind."
My wife is a genius. An intruder would have to be very committed to try and rob our house with Emmy Lou in it. Because Emmy Lou is a loud, throaty barker. She barks at everyone who comes in the gate. She is awesome at it. She thinks it is her job. And on Saturday, IT WAS.
Thanks to Emmy Lou, we not only went to brunch with untroubled hearts, but also drove downtown to Mome's favourite Transylvanian bakery for nuga cake and to Commercial Drive so that I could grab a birthday present for my brother. And when we got home, Emmy was there, barking her fuzzy little head off. What a good dog. Good dog, Emmy.
Colleen never called back or emailed.
This incident has caused me to reexamine my first come, first served Craigslist policy. Sometimes it works out great - but now that I think about it, there have been several times where the first person to respond doesn't ultimately end up being the buyer, because they're impulsively replying to Craigslist ads and don't have their shit together.
I got a second response to the ad about a day after first hearing from Colleen, which read, in part:
"I would like to purchase the ottoman, I do have a cat and I think he would quite enjoy it!"
The email also included the buyer's cell number and a firm offer to come pick up. And, mere hours after Colleen stood us up, Theresa showed up and bought our ottoman. She reports that her cat is LOVIN' it.
So I'm revising my Craigslist policy:
- Buyer must comment on how funny my ad was or make a funny comment themselves or at least include a salutation in their email.
- Buyer must indicate that they have an actual plan to pick up. Bonus points for using a phrase like "firm pick up" or "my husband has a truck and will pick up"
- ALL CAPS MEANS NO OTTOMAN FOR YOU.
Anyway - Colleen, I hope you're okay and that nothing horrible happened to you. And if nothing horrible happened to you, I think it was pretty douchey of you to stand us up.
