Creampuff Revolution

Creampuff Finishes Downton Abbey Season 3, Wonders What the Eff to Do Now

When Katr and I watched Season 1 of Downton Abbey, we could not marathon that shit. Because it was TOO INTENSE. We cried during every fucking episode. Like babies. So, while we enjoyed it immensely and were pleased that, for the most part, the good guys didn't get kicked in the box over and over, we were hesitant to start Season 2, because having feelings is exhausting.

My friend Reol got me Season 2 for my birthday LAST YEAR. A couple of weeks ago, we finally decided to take a break from our ritual Star Trek: TNG watching and crack The Countess.

We watched it all in three days. 

Then we ordered Season 3 and watched that in three days. So now we're all caught up and you'll have to listen to my thoughts on two seasons mashed together. SPOILER ALERT: THERE ARE SPOILERS.

Things I didn't like:

Scheming housemaids. Ugh. I miss that housemaid in Season 1 who was scheming...to become a SECRETARY. That was cool. But I don't like these babes who are all "I feel so drawn to you, Lord Grantham" or "Are you ashamed of where you came from, Mr. Branson" or whatever. Also, I hated Ethel (thought I'm pretty sure I was supposed to and I thought it was pretty shitty that what's-his-name knocked her up and then skipped out. She just wanted to have an adventure, not to be a prostitute! Boo.)

Lavinia dying and then Matthew being all "I broke her heart and we can NEVER be together now, Mary!!!! Or can we? Oh, is it the Christmas special now? Yeah, okay, we can." The whole angst over Lavinia's death thing was so forced. Ditto the "I can't give Lavinia's dad's money to Downton because I'm getting it under false pretenses." That's a kick to the junk right there.

I liked that Bates got out of jail but I totally did not understand what the deal was with the inmate and the prison guard who were conspiring against him. What?? Why? And how did they get to Mrs. Bartlett? I will have to find a forum or something.

Daisy - JUST MARRY HIM ALREADY, HE'S DYING. JESUS CHRIST.

What happened to Matthew. I get that the actor was leaving but I liked the character. You couldn't have sent him to America for a few months? What if the actor realizes he made a huge mistake and wants to come back, like Jorja Fox on CSI?

Edith and the married-to-Mrs. Rochester newspaper editor. I don't know about that.

Rose. NO.

The clothes after the war. GOD I hate the '20s.

Things I did like:

Unrealistic liberalism.

Mrs. Crawley firing Mrs. Byrd for being worried she'd catch prostitute herpes from Ethel.

Thomas is a douche but I didn't want to see him go to jail for being a poof. I thought it was nice that everyone was all "You disgust me, but you can't help the way you are, so we're going to try to help you out."

How O'Brien and Thomas kind of turned their evil onto each other instead of torturing everyone else.

Daisy's relationship with William's father. Cutest. Thing. Ever.

Everything about the cricket match.

The dog's bum in the opening credits and every time the dog appeared.

All the stuff around trying to modernize the estate - I thought that was really interesting.

How MOST of the time, good and reason prevail. I'm willing to overlook some convenient plot twists or "out of character" character actions if it means that shit works out. That's what makes it such a ridiculous fairytale of awesomeness.

Things I think should happen in Season 4:

Patrick Stewart should be on. Just because. I like him and he's already British.

Two of the housemaids should have a passionate affair.

One of the episodes should be entirely from the dog's point of view.

Mrs. Hughes and Carson finally declare their undying love.

Lady Mary should write a book about attachment parenting.

I would like to talk more about this, so please leave your comments in the comments.

Creampuff's Clean Sweep

As I mentioned here a few times before, I, like my lovely wife, have hoarding "behaviours".  I think one of the things that fascinates and terrifies me about Hoarders and similar is that I'm not SUPER far away from being one of them. 

Because we both want to collect ALL THE THINGS, Katr and I try to get rid of things regularly and keep a fairly clutter-free home. I feel that we have largely succeeded, except in a few areas. One of those areas is my horrific work area.

I once slept under a pile of clean laundry for 3 months, so it often takes awhile for clutter to get to me. But last week, I totally snapped and vowed that if I only did ONE THING this Victoria Day long weekend, it would be cleaning off my goddamn desk.

I only did one thing this Victoria Day weekend. And here is the evidence.

"Before" photos of my work area, with accompanying feelings.

OMG I HATE EVERTHING

WHY CAN'T I WRITE A CHEQUE WITHOUT KNOCKING A BOX OF ENVELOPES OVER ON TO THE DOG FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG.

After:

Mmmmmm.

Flowers.

Creampuff Also Missed Mother's Day

My new-mom friend Chezza commented that my last post was juuuuust the right length for her attention span at the moment and I laughed and laughed. Congrats, Chezza! I am sure that you are already a kick-ass mom.

But seriously, back to me. Chezza's comment reminded me that I totally forgot this thing that I was going to post for Mother's Day.

Naturally, my mother gave me the greatest gift of all - LIFE!! But this past Solstice, she gave me a gift of almost equal value - a video of my first year or so on the planet, which she had lovingly had transferred from super 8 to DVD. 

I was born in the 1970s, when documenting your child's every move on film was not so common. So this shit is GOLD!! I felt like a cat going through the mirror stage when I first saw it. 

Because you are neither me, nor my mother, I'm not posting the entire 15 minute video of me holding my toes, running around in my diaper at the waterpark, learning how to play ball and generally being adorable in my Osh Kosh B'Gosh overalls (although I do enjoy how I look like a teeny tiny lesbian).

BUT I did want to share my favourite minute and a half of the video, because:

1. Look how gorgeous my mom is! She is still that gorgeous.

2. Look how much like Jesus my dad looks! He looks more like a koala bear now.

3. FUCK I hated that Winnie the Pooh snowsuit. And also, that sled. There's a soundtrack that's pretty funny as well.

 

Creampuff Misses a Week

In my defense, we were at a social media conference in Victoria last week and when we got back, I was too busy actually working to bore you with the minutae of my daily life. But I have a few minutes now and a few photos, so get ready.

1. This cat is named Big Balls. This grainy photo was taken from across the street. Big Balls has such big balls that he will not move from this spot, no matter how apeshit Emmy Lou goes two inches from his face. 

2. I took my first panorama shot at the Empress Hotel in Victoria, where we stayed for the conference. JEALOUS? It was a really huge room with this hilariously terrible layout. Talk about your first world problems.

3. This morning, I get to Skype in to a workshop reading of Padu's new theatre for young audiences play, Outside. I feel like I am dramaturging from outer space. Look! I'm being attacked by moisturizer!! Now I know how austronaut Chris Hadfield feels.

Creampuff Must Rethink Craigslist Strategy

Last week, I put this ad up on Craigslist. 

About an hour after I posted, I got a response.

"WOULD LIKE TO BUY. COLLEEN."

That was it.

Well...not everyone appreciates my rapier Craigslist wit. As per my strict "first come, first served" policy, I replied to Colleen and asked her when she wanted to pick it up.

"SATURDAY MORNING."

I told her that Saturday morning was fine, if she could get here by 9:30 a.m. because we had a social engagement (our lovely friend and houseguest Mome was taking us out for brunch and no one gets in the way of my goddamn brunch).

"SATURDAY 9:30 A.M. [Insert phone number here]."

I only give out our address to a Craigslist buyer once we've fixed a time to meet - and Colleen had also sent her phone number. So I gave her our address.

Fast forward to Saturday morning at 9:30,when Colleen fails to show up. I give her 15 minutes of leeway and then call her.

I get her voicemail which was, no joke, just someone grunting "COLLEEN" into the phone and then a beep.

Aw, BALLSACK.

I never used to have to worry about this shit when I lived in a building but now that we live in a house-like structure, in a neighbourhood where break-ins aren't unusual, I'm a lot more paranoid. Suddenly, I was pretty sure that Colleen was lying in wait for us to leave so that she could burgle my abode.

We briefly futzed around, waffling between just leaving the ottoman outdoors and hoping Colleen would leave the money in the mailbox and then angrily bringing the ottoman back indoors because I WANT MY TWENTY DOLLARS. 

Katr, Mome, Emmy Lou and I sat there in the car, torn. I really didn't want to get robbed...but I also REALLY wanted brunch.

"I guess I could just make brunch at home," I said in a martyr-like manner. Then Katr goes "Or we could just leave the dog behind."

My wife is a genius. An intruder would have to be very committed to try and rob our house with Emmy Lou in it. Because Emmy Lou is a loud, throaty barker. She barks at everyone who comes in the gate. She is awesome at it. She thinks it is her job. And on Saturday, IT WAS.

Thanks to Emmy Lou, we not only went to brunch with untroubled hearts, but also drove downtown to Mome's favourite Transylvanian bakery for nuga cake and to Commercial Drive so that I could grab a birthday present for my brother. And when we got home, Emmy was there, barking her fuzzy little head off. What a good dog. Good dog, Emmy. 

Colleen never called back or emailed.

This incident has caused me to reexamine my first come, first served Craigslist policy. Sometimes it works out great - but now that I think about it, there have been several times where the first person to respond doesn't ultimately end up being the buyer, because they're impulsively replying to Craigslist ads and don't have their shit together.

I got a second response to the ad about a day after first hearing from Colleen, which read, in part:

"I would like to purchase the ottoman, I do have a cat and I think he would quite enjoy it!"

The email also included the buyer's cell number and a firm offer to come pick up. And, mere hours after Colleen stood us up, Theresa showed up and bought our ottoman. She reports that her cat is LOVIN' it.

So I'm revising my Craigslist policy:

1. Buyer must comment on how funny my ad was or make a funny comment themselves or at least include a salutation in their email.
2. Buyer must indicate that they have an actual plan to pick up. Bonus points for using a phrase like "firm pick up" or "my husband has a truck and will pick up"
3. ALL CAPS MEANS NO OTTOMAN FOR YOU.

Anyway - Colleen, I hope you're okay and that nothing horrible happened to you. And if nothing horrible happened to you, I think it was pretty douchey of you to stand us up.