I'm not sure how, but in the last year my email address seems to have been added to some PR firm's "people to contact with our weird crap" list.
Usually I ignore these emails launching books by rich white people who've finally "found their voice" or press releases about movies where straight people hurt each other's feelings, but today's email was kind of fun and, as the PR firm suggests, I'm going to "share it with my readers"! Because I know that all of you will be dropping thousands of dollars this week throwing your Golden Globe shin dig! Right?
Behold - Hollywood's MASTER party planner Bronson Van Wyck's tips for your party this weekend.
I hate awards shows. Watching people in evening wear masturbate for three hours is exhausting.
I am tempted to watch this year's Golden Globes, however, because - let's all say it together - TINA FEY AND AMY POEHLER!!! Wooooo! While we stopped watching 30 Rock a few seasons ago because it started to suck beyond belief, I still think Tina Fey is the bees knees. And Park & Rec is one of our favourite shows.
Since we might actually watch this year, I felt it behooved me to read Bronson Van Wyck's Golden Globe party tips and try to follow his examples, with a few modifications:
- Instead of the red carpet in front of the door, I will instead sweep up the insane piles of bird shit that bespeckle our patio (birds have been nesting in our eaves and our patio is their crapper). Instead of the "flashing paparazzi bulbs", I will stand by the door and switch the porch light on an off repeatedly as guests come up the walk.
- Instead of a bubble machine, I will create "magical circular lightness" by bouncing a basketball off of approaching guests' heads while yelling "Think fast!" As for the "treasure chest" of props, our guests can duke it out over our one feather boa and my furry Russian hat. New fun party rule that Bronson didn't think of - if you don a "prop", the prop is the only article of clothing you are allowed to wear.
- Instead of serving Moët & Chandon, the official Champagne of the Golden Globes, we will serve club soda, gingerale or beer, because we are not pretentious twats. I like the idea of canapés being inspired by the best picture nominees but who the fuck has time for that? I will be whipping up a batch of my famous "things I bought at the Safeway".
- I definitely think that keeping guests entertained during that CONSTANT COMMERCIAL BREAKS is an important hostessing duty. But "Bobbing for the Golden Apple" isn't something Kate and I like to do in front of guests. Instead, during the commercial breaks, Katr will be reading from The Code of Ur-Nammu in the original Sumerian. Who says the Golden Globes can't be educational?
- "Hollywood and Gold" is not our theme. That theme is SO LAST NIGHT, Bronson. Instead, in homage to Tina Fey, our theme is "Filling a Slanket With Your Farts" and we will certainly be sure to keep it fun.
So basically, Katr and I will be watching the Golden Globes alone, wearing only a boa, a Slanket and a Russian fur hat collectively. How about you guys?
