My original title for this post was going to be "Creampuff Critiques Some Fancy Ass Tea", but you know there are going to be those people who say "What's "ass tea"? Heh heh heh" and then I would be forced to punch them in the junk. Because that is the mood I am in today.
As I mentioned in my new year's post, one of my lovely Solstice gifts was a collection of caffeine free teas from Davids Tea, which has apparently become ubiquitous without my knowledge. There are 8 of them in the greater Vancouver area alone. This David is everywhere, peddling his tea! His fancy, fancy tea.
I was thrilled to receive the gift set of 9 loose leaf herbal teas, because loose leaf tea is the coolest kind of tea and I LOVE sets of things SO MUCH, it's like a sickness.
I didn't know much about David and his tea and at first glance, nothing seemed amiss. Upon a closer reading of the labels, however, I did note that, of the 9 teas in my gift collection, 8 of them contained either sugar (in the form of candied fruit) or "artificial flavours". Huh.
I'm certainly no tea snob - my usual is Celestial Seasonings, if you must know - but the sugar and "flavours" gave me pause. So I approached the tea with a more critical palate than I might otherwise have done.
After nearly a month of tea drinking, I have completed my survey of these 9 teas and I now present my findings to you.
Top 3 Teas
Green & Fruity
It's not super green, but it is pleasantly fruity.
Midsummer Night's Dream
Citrus-y and delightful. Makes me feel like a fat fairy.
Organic Crème Brûlée
Rooibos-y with a slight caramel flavour. A very grown up sort of tea. Probably my favourite of the teas. Also, interestingly, the only one without candied fruits or artificial flavours.
Middle 3 Teas
Jessie's Tea
This weird lavender and coconut mix grossed Katr right out, but the grossness grew on me - it kind of reminded me of my brief love affair with Diet Pepsi Jazz Strawberries n' Cream. SUUUUUPER gross and yet...you keep drinking it.
Bear Trap
A pleasant brew with a berry flavour. No screaming Jesus, but not offensive either. I don't know that any bear worth her salt would go for it - maybe an idiot bear who'd never tasted real berries.
Organic Detox
According to the label, this one SHOULD be Mother's Little Helper, a soothing blend of peppermint and lemongrass that's supposed to shut your kids up. But I got "Organic Detox" in the box instead, DAVID. I am a pussy who does not enjoy green or black teas and this one has both, so it's also caffeinated and has that hard taste I do not care for. But it's "detox", which isn't supposed to feel good. So the masochist in me knows I'll probably drink it again. Maybe after yoga.
NO
Forever Nuts
I assume the name refers to a hobo's nuts. Because that's what this tea tastes like. A hobo's nutsack dipped in honey.
Goji Pop
Oh, I REALLY wanted to like this one, but my first cup was my last. It tastes like the inside of a tween girl's backpack - sort of like rubbery sweet My Little Pony ass mixed with cherry chapstick.
Coco Chai Rooibos
Some of you may have seen my Facebook status about this tea. I saved this tea for last because it contains all the things I love. Coconut. Chai. And rooibos. What could go wrong?? Well, everything. I could not even finish my cup. It was like Satan's asshole. I was FORCED to make myself a latte just to recover from the horror.
I realize that tea is a matter of taste and that my taste is perhaps pedestrian. Lots of people claim to "enjoy" green tea, for instance (GAH), and a few of my favourite people defended poor, beleaguered "coco chai rooibos" and said they LOVED it, LOVED it! But it's my blog and I can bitch about any tea I want! HA ha!
Mmmm...fat fairy...
