Creampuff Revolution

Creampuff Is One of Them

"Oh shit," I thought to myself, as I stood in the kitchen in my yoga pants, unironically blending a green smoothie with kale I picked up at the Main and Terminal Farmer's Market from our Community Supported Agriculture shares, which were grown in the parking lot next to Rogers Arena. "It's happened. I've become a Vancouver douchebag."

I think you all saw it coming before I did. First, there was the gluten-free situation. Then, we became urban gardeners. Last year, we started doing the yoga. But I didn't really feel that I'd succumbed completely to VD until last week, when:

a) I made that smoothie; and

b) I ran errands in public wearing yoga capri pants even though I didn't have my dog with me and actual yoga was not imminent.

I HAVE NOW BECOME EVERYTHING THAT I HATE.

 

Creampuff "Promises Something for Everyone"

I was born in the 1970s. Now you know.

There was a wealth of interesting TV on at that time, but because my parents were insistent on early bedtimes, my late '70s/early '80s non-cartoon-based TV memories are confined to the following: Three's Company, Little House on the Prairie (until my mom caught us watching the one where Nellie locks Mary in the ice house and decided that it was "too scary" and then we weren't allowed to watch it anymore) and The Love Boat.

The Love Boat was on after school sometimes and I could not get enough. I loved the boat. I loved the clover-shaped pool. I loved the glamorous ladies and the suave gentlemen (but mainly the ladies). I loved the crew - especially Cruise Director Julie McCoy, although I was disappointed by her boyish haircut. GIRLS should have LONG hair.

It's been a loooong time since I've seen The Love Boat - though I could still sing the theme song. So when Katr bought the first two seasons of The Love Boat on DVD, I was pretty excited to rewatch this character-forming television program to see what kernels of wisdom I'd internalized as a child.

Thank fuck there were not too many! HA ha!

After making it all the way through Season One, I feel that The Love Boat teaches the following lessons:

1. Camel toe is de rigueur. Ditto, moose knuckles.


2. Falling in love and deciding to get married on a three day cruise is completely normal.


3. Relentlessly hitting on female passengers is part of Dr. Bricker's job.


4. Women "fall in love" more easily once you get them drunk and wear them down over several hours.


5. The best way to kiss someone is to mash your lips up against their lips and then kind of grind your face real hard into their face but NEVER DEAR GOD NEVER OPEN YOUR MOUTH.


6. Captain Meryl Stubing has daddy issues and class issues. When the two collide - COMEDY GOLD!


7. Being unfaithful to your wife suddenly makes you waaaay more attractive to her.


8. There is no racial tension on The Love Boat BUT black people may only hit on other black people.


9. Leslie Nielson is a real downer on The Love Boat.


10. Ditto Annette Funicello.


11. "Gopher" is not Gopher's real name. His real name is "Burl". Either way, he's never getting laid.


12. "I came on board to find my birth mother. Then I met a nice young man who was travelling with his mother. We totally had the sex and then I find out that his mother is actually my birth mother! Blaaaaaaaaaarg sexwithmybrother blaaaaaaaaaaaaarg! But wait! The nice young man is my birth mother's stepson, so we're not actually related! And when we get married after knowing each other for three days, you'll be my mother AND my mother-in-law! Problems = SOLVED."


13. Isaac knows that it's not a "three piece suit" unless all three pieces are either denim or leather.

We're just starting Season Two, so I can only imagine what further gems await Katr and I on the lido deck! Maybe we'll see you there, in your sheer bathing suit and lady turban! Isaac! Tequila sunrise!