So a couple of our lightbulbs in the kitchen burned out weeks ago. Our ceilings are really high and I don’t like getting up on a dining room chair to change the lights, mainly because it’s difficult for Katr to both spot me on the chair AND hold the phone on which she has pre-dialled 9–1.
So when my family was here for Thanksgiving, we made my tall, lanky brother do it.
We thought we were pretty clever, until we realized that Jaro removing the burnt out bulbs was only half the battle – we still had to find replacement bulbs AND install them. Unnnngh. WHY IS LIFE SO HARD?
Since I ALWAYS buy the exact wrong type of lightbulb every time I have to replace one, I had the bright idea of bringing the burnt out bulbs with me so that I could put an end to my losing streak and not accidentally buy some kind of kitchen laser that only works when you play Floyd and turns the dog bionic.
So I’m in the lightbulb section of the Safeway and even though I have the bulb I’m trying to replace IN MY HAND, I still can’t figure out which one I’m suppose to get.
At first, I was excited by all of the energy efficient options but then I remembered apparently energy efficient lightbulbs are killing us and now I fear them. Foiled!
Also, the bulb I was trying to replace was a Philips and the Safeway only stocks GE bulbs. Foiled again!
Finally, after opening and closing several boxes, I put my lightbulb back in my purse and chose my bulb. Just then, the Safeway security guard came ambling down the aisle.
Safeway security guard: Hi there.
Me: Hello.
Safeway security guard: How are you doing today?
Me: I’m well, thank you. And yourself?
Safeway security guard: Pretty good. So listen. One of our employees said he just saw you put a lightbulb in your purse.
Pause.
Me: He’s not wrong.
Safeway security guard: I see. Let’s talk about that.
The Safeway security guard was pretty hilarious. We went through my purse together as I explained why it looked as if I might be purloining a bulb when, in fact, I was simply being a super genius. He told me that just that weekend he’d gone to Home Depot and picked up totally the wrong bulb for his kitchen and his wife was all upset. How we laughed!
As our security interaction came to a close, I asked him who’d fingered me so that I could make life very uncomfortable for that person. Safeway security guard said “Sorry, ma’am. I have to protect my source. But he was headed towards Bakery.”
I never found the guy. But it turns out that I did get the right light bulbs for the kitchen.
I have to say, I really appreciated the low-key, casual nature of this Safeway shakedown. If you’re going to get fingered for stealing light bulbs, this is the way to do it. So listen – if you plan to do anything questionable in a Vancouver area Safeway in the near future, definitely check out the one at Broadway & Commercial for a relaxed accusationatorial experience. Plus, there’s a Starbucks in there.
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