Well, it’s happened. I’ve become one of those annoying people who “can’t eat things”.
I knew this day was coming. My brother and my mom both have moderate to severe food sensitivities around many delicious foods, such as wheat, dairy and anything else that tastes good. They appear to still be living rich, full lives but I’m not buying it.
I assumed that one day, I too would be struck down and was waiting for that slow transition to take place at a leisurely pace over the next several years. But instead, it happened over a couple of weeks! HA ha!
My downward spiral started about a month ago when my stomach, working overtime due to stress, Advil and caffeine, just kind of got pissed and decided to fuck me up for life.
I started to notice that about once a day, depending on the meal, I would have increasingly crazy nausea. At first, it was just an uncomfortable stomach ache but as the days went on, it became “sweaty, shaky handed, I need to lie down and moan about my life” nausea, culminating in one horrible, horrible day I spent doubled over barfing nectarines.
I called my brother, who’s a doctor. Well, a PhD in Poli Sci, so…same thing. I described my symptoms and he spoke to me knowledgeably about the likely causes of my newfound inability to eat food I like and what I should do going forward to avoid feeling like I’d been eaten by a wolf and shit off a cliff.
I’m not going to lie to you. I didn’t not handle it well. In fact, I may have shed a few tears when he said “But hey! You can still have rice!”
I hate rice.
After a few days of eating nothing but chicken broth and bananas, the nausea cleared and I was in a whole new world. A world of total fucking shittiness.
The weird list of things I can’t eat includes:
- Wheat (or anything with gluten, which is almost everything good in the world)
- Caffeine
- Sugar
- Alcohol
- Milk chocolate
- Nuts
- Zucchini
- Tomatoes
- Nectarines
- Citrus fruit
- Certain spicy foods yet to be fully determined but definitely everything delicious from the Thai place
Fortunately, I can still sneak a little dairy in there, so I’m not putting that on the list. YET. And all is not TOTALLY lost. I can still eat Swiss Chalet. But that doesn’t stop me from being excessively sorry for myself whenever I see anyone eating a muffin.
Stay tuned for part II of this whiny rant, where I will talk about how fake things that are substitutes for real things taste like 10 kinds of ass.
In other news, it appears Bloglines is shutting down on October 1st. Why do you care? Well, because Bloglines powers my blogroll! So if you’re here on October 1st and you notice the link to your blog is gone, don’t take it personal! I’m trying to figure out a blogroll alternative!
