Creampuff Revolution

Creampuff Thinks that “One Wedding & Three Funerals” Would Make a Pretty Shitty Film

My grandpa died on Sunday and I am a sad marshmallow.

My grandpa was a pediatrician, so when I was a kid, I knew that if he was around, I could safely engage in risky behaviours like sticking beads up my nose. Which I did.

He and my grandma were very adventurous and generous folks and when he “retired”, they moved around to various places in the developing world and spent  a number of years working at medical clinics, learning about tropical diseases and helping local children and their families.

When I called them up to tell them I was getting gay married, it was my grandpa who answered the phone. When I gave him the news, he got all excited and said “Well, bless your heart!” and he and my gran sent us a really nice gift. Because they were cool.

Sniff.

Seriously, between this and my uncle dying right after his daughter’s wedding this summer and my grandma at Christmas, THIS IS IT, PEOPLE. Enough with the death!

Creampuffs Move In

We’re in!

Sweet Lavendar Lord, I hate moving.

The purging, the packing, the actual moving, the unpacking…basically, they all involve the four things I hate the most:

THINKING

PLANNING

BENDING

DOING

In an effort to help you all out with your upcoming moves – whatever those moves may be - here are my keen tips:

Con your friends into taking your crap delightful goods. After we went through our things and did a big book and DVD and laptop bag purge, we invited people over to help themselves to free books and laptop bags! While the turn-out was small, the impact was large and we managed to pass many many handsome laptop bags and stimulating books on to good homes. To those of you who came – thank you!! To those of you who couldn’t make it – you can now buy our remaining stuff at your local Value Village. Because when you have a lot of stuff to donate and only want to make one stop, you gotta go to the double V.

Get a meat puppet.  I don’t know what she promised him, but Katr got her brother Drtr to come help us pack, move and unpack. He came for six days. From Buffalo. And he was like a golden golden god. We seriously could not have done it without him.

My brother-in-law Drtr is a special kind of person. My brother Jaro and I have a great relationship – I love him like a brother – but if I asked him to come stay with us for six days and help us move, he would tell me to shove it up my ass until I could taste it.

Make sure you have enough boxes. If you run out of boxes, you will have to pack in things that are not boxes. Such as garbage bags or pillow cases. Or your own pockets.

Hire movers. Just…do it. Once your friends hurt their backs helping to move your shit, you will NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT.

Don’t hire our movers if you value your TV. Our movers put up with a lot and they did an awesome job, except for the part where we wanted them to pack our TV in its original box and they maintained that it would be fine if they just wrapped it up real good in a blanket and so we let them and you know what? Yeah, IT WAS NOT FINE.

Label your boxes. Our boxes were all totally labelled – from the previous move in 2006. And did we pack the same items back into those boxes this time? No. That’s how my brother-in-law found the riding crop. In the box marked “Children’s fiction”. In turn, the box marked “Bedroom closet” was full of cutlery. Kinky.

Move to a neighbourhood where Swiss Chalet delivers. Some of you made fun of me when I said that one of the most awesome things about this move was that we were finally within Swiss Chalet’s delivery zone. And to you I say: Suck it!! Nothing tastes quite so good after moving than that dirty dirty bird.

We are thrilled to be in our new place – especially now that the hot water is working (more on that later). I wasn’t sad to leave our old place, but I was sad to leave the unlimited dumpster and recycling access our former building provided. Tomorrow morning I have to get up at the crack of dawn’s ass to shake the raccoons off our teeny garbage bin and drag it into the alley for the garbage truck. I look forward to hearing all of your residential neighbourhood garbage minimizing tips!! Seriously…the bin is so tiny and those Swiss Chalet containers take up a lot of space.