I’m leaving my house tomorrow at 5:30 a.m. to get to my first volunteer shift at 6:00 a.m.! Since there is no storage at the venue, I can’t bring my purse with me – I have to fit everything I need for my 6:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. shift into the various pockets of my uniform. Then I’ll leave my house…and be gone ALL DAY.
I’ve been working at home for so long that I’ve kind of forgotten that this, for most people, is pretty normal. Most people get up in the morning, groom, eat breakfast, put on grown-up clothes, commute to work, work all day, commute home and THEN play Wii.
This seems CRAZY to me. I mean, what if:
- I feel like calling my mom?
- I need to spend a ponderous twenty minutes reading Mr. Darcy Presents His Bride in the ladies’ shitter?
- I discover, halfway through the day, that I’m NOT wearing the comfy underwear but instead the horrible chafing underwear that I always mean to throw out and then just stick back in the laundry?
- I miss a funny Mukmuk video on YouTube because I’m away from the Twitter?
- I have a thought I can’t immediately share with Katr?
Packing the pockets of my voluminous coat and asking endless “what if” questions is not the only prep work I’m undertaking for tomorrow. There’s also:
- Teaching Katr how to make her own coffee Setting up the coffee every night before I go to bed so that all Katr has to do is press the start button in the morning. The start button, sweetie. The big button with the little red light. The red…there you go.
- Quit shouting “Feel my fury” or the short form, “feel it”, whenever I braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap.
- Replacing my usual vulgar phrases with socially acceptable phrases. “Fucked if I know, fella” should be “Fucked if I know, Mr. President sir.”
- Not saying this keen phrase that Jasc left on my Facebook page: “Is that a pass in your pocket sir, or are you just excited to see my Mukmuk? ZING!” (thanks for THAT, Jackie. ‘Cause THAT’s not going to slip out in front of HRH The Princess Anne.)
- Deciding which lip gloss to bring. It’s down to Melting Marshmallow Cream (which is actually a lovely toasted coconut flavour but is also marshmallow coloured, so if I put it on too thick, it might look like I’ve been making time with Quatchi behind the Inukshuk) or Caramel Apple (nice hint of red and smells like apple cider, but if I’m acting erratically, people might think I’m drunk).
- Figuring out the lid on my fucking “sustainable drinking container”.
- Get a brazilian.
I’m HOPING that my first shift tomorrow will yield some hilarious stories to share with you all! But in reality, I’ll be standing outside, directing people where to go, or standing inside checking people’s passes and I will just be REALLY happy if I make it through the whole day of standing. Think upright thoughts! Unless it gives you a woody! Although who am I, really, to deny you a good boner? Carry on.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go spend a little quality time with Mr. Darcy and his bride.
