Creampuff Revolution

Creampuff Pick-Up Lines

I have many nicknames for the dog - Gym Socks, Dingus, Space Cadet, Clicky McClickington, Douchetastic - but the one I usually use in public is "Cutie". "Cutie" is a good nickname when you have a dog who is occasionally a dingus, because when people walk by and see you wrestling your dog out of a bush while calling her "cutie", they assume that, while your dog might be a dingus, you still love the dog and they don't need to call the S.P.C.A.

So yesterday, Emmy Lou and I were waiting at the intersection behind a young lady. She was, strangely enough, all in white - white cropped quilted jacket with white fur trimmed hood. White jeans. White boots. It was a muddy day and I was quite impressed by the pristine condition of her ensemble.

The light changed and, as usual, I had to yank my fossicking dog away from the lightpost to get her to cross the street. In doing so, I leaned forward and said into the back of the girl's head, "Okay! Let's go, cutie!"

The girl whipped around and gave me a look that would have disintegrated my balls. I realized that she hadn't seen the dog. She thought I was talking to her.

Then I LAUGHED IN HER FACE.

Naturally, I couldn't stop laughing and instead of apologizing, I merely wheezed, choked and sputtered while White Pants speedwalked away from me. I couldn't see her face, but her ass sure looked angry.

Anyway - to the young lady who thought I was hitting on you at the intersection - I'm sorry. I was talking to my dog. Also, get over yourself.

Speaking of romance, my laptop bag loving better half Katr is having a Valentine's Day giveaway on Funchico! She's giving away a luscious red Veronica London Monogram Laptop Tote.

That's right, bitches - a bag with your initials!! To enter, all you have to do is leave a comment on Funchico by Feb 4th, with your favourite romantic couple from history or literature or film or slash fiction or your own sick imagination. I'm not allowed to enter. Katr says for ethical reasons, but I suspect she's afraid I'll lower the tone, so I'm leaving it up to you guys to lower the tone for me. I know I can count on you.

Now, I know it's not a laptop bag full of dildos - although if you're in the market for something like that, Come Together gift baskets can set you up (right, Pugs?). But a red laptop bag can still be a very romantic gift ... particularly for your laptop. Or for me, if it contains a laptop-sized box of chocolates and some yarn.

UPDATE: I wanted to mention Come Together gift baskets because they're an awesome idea (not just for Valentine's), they're made by and for lesbians and the lesbians who make them are lovely! But then I had to update just now when I discovered that Sugarbutch is having a Come Together gift basket giveaway. That's right - enter BOTH giveaways and that laptop bag full of dildos fantasy could actually come true. Make it happen!

Creampuff Mark-down

Ding dong - the couch is gone.

We bought this couch right after we moved into this apartment. We bought it because my mother-in-law was coming to visit for Christmas and we didn't have any furniture and The Brick was right by the Sleep Country and it was on sale and we were tired and kinda desperate.

We immediately began to suffer from buyer's remorse. This couch was not really our style, as you can see from our old couch, seen here in archival knitting shots:

Not only did we find our new couch aesthetically displeasing (I believe Katr called it "The Two Tone Turd"), but the couch's configuration caused us to sit crookedly. This fucked us both up ergonomically, rendering us each incapacitated at different times with searing neck and shoulder pain. For the last several months, we've been dealing with this by not sitting on the couch together - and whoever WAS sitting on the couch had to basically create an armchair out of cushions to stay upright.

Stupid couch.

In the spirit of making 2009 The Year of Actual Follow-through, we decided that this couch needed to go. We found a new one in a used furniture store and gleefully purchased it. Then Katr put me in charge of getting rid of the old couch on Craigslist.

I had a hard time writing the Craigslist ad for the couch I loathe. I believe I listed it as "Microsuede/Leather Couch - not nasty". Technically, there's nothing wrong with the couch - I just couldn't imagine anyone else wanting it, even though it was free. I couldn't have been more wrong.

This fucking couch was more popular than a pun at a dumbass convention. Within 5 minutes, I had more than 20 offers to take it off my hands, from the cursory "Call me about this couch please bob" to the sweet, squee-filled emails I got from a woman who told me the couch was "the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen".

I stuck with my usual first come, first served policy and made a deal with a girl we'll call Couch Claimer. Then I suffered from Craiglist remorse over the girl who claimed the couch. She couldn't pick it up until Sunday (our new couch was arriving Saturday) and she mentioned that her husband was coming to get it. I was like "It's a big couch, lady! He's bringing a friend, right? RIGHT??" I worried that the whole thing would turn out to be a big couch cluster fuck.

Once again, I couldn't have been more wrong. Couch Claimer's husband not only came by Saturday for the couch, but he had brought both his friendly, burly father and a dolly. Those guys had the couch strapped up and out the door in minutes.

My glee continued when Couch Claimer's husband mentioned that their current used couch came from a smoker's house and they have a five month old baby who kept sneezing. The guy was so cute and excited about the niceness of the couch and the brownie points he was going to score with the wife when he brought it home (along with the coffee table, which we also unloaded on him - sucker!) that I knew the right people had gotten our couch.

Godspeed, Two-Tone. I hope that you're being appreciated properly in your new home.

Speaking of new homes - behold OUR new couch!

I know it might not be your taste, so feel free to keep that to yourself. Stayed tuned for the new ottoman, coming in...March!

P.S. The Best of Craigslist - there are no words to describe its greatness.

Creampuff - Otherwise Known as "Dog Yente"

When Almost Dr. Jacks created personal ads for her cats, I knew I had to get in on that action. I trust you will all do the same with your pets.

User Name: 2wrinkly4U

Smoker? Drinker? I'm Straight Edge.

Favourite song to make romance to: Meet Me at the Roxy by Divine Brown

Likes:

• Long walks on the beach
• Rodentia
• Winged rodentia
• Rubbing my head in carcass
• Terriers
• My unstoppable corn chip odour
• Steve (the cat next door)
• Mark (the cat next door to FattyPrime's parents)
• My fatties
• Weed

Dislikes:

• Things like look and smell like food but aren't actually food
• Precipitation
• Men who dance
• Men
• Puppies
• Paw-touchers
• The RCMP
• Bathing
• Haters

What I'm looking for:

Salmon. Bacon. Unconditional love without any funny business at night.

If you can love me looking like this in the morning:

I think we might have a future together.

Creampuff's 25 Things

Kimli tagged me for some "25 Things About Me" fun. Because I am eager to please anyone with a rack that fine, I have obliged. One of these statements is a lie though - see if you can guess!

• Whenever I eat granulated honey, I imagine I'm an ancient Briton.
• I suspect I am a natural luger. Singles though - that double luge is fucked up.
• The sound of me sneezing makes babies scream. In fear? In solidarity? Only the babies know.
• I have to suppress the urge to blurt out "I backwashed!" whenever anyone takes a sip of something in my presence. It's exhausting, but that's good manners for you.
• Sometimes, I really wonder what happened to Ace of Base.
• I have one small tattoo, in one colour. It took 20 minutes and I nearly passed out while barfing. They had to open a door and give me a lollipop.
• My low tattoo pain tolerance is particularly hilarious in view of the many years I spent Xacto-knifing my arms.
• I have an interview to be a volunteer for the Vancouver 2010 Olympics in a couple of weeks! I'm hoping they'll give me my first choice: "luge track tester".
• I speak "conversational French" - so long as that conversation is with a drunk French 3 year old with poor hearing.
• I crave strudel.
• I'm tempted to join Twitter but worry that having only 140 characters to express myself will really cramp my st
• One time, at band camp, I totally wrote "Clarinet Rules!!" on the underside of the top bunk with a felt-tip pen.
• Sometimes I pretend to be a Christian at parties.
• My ears are too small for the iPod headphones. I have to buy special earbuds for pinheads.
• Flannel makes me angry.
• I will make 2009 the Year of Actual Follow-through.
• My credit card company tells me that I've qualified for a "payment holiday". Nice try, bitches. You're not getting another cent of interest from me.
• I really like Sarah Vowell, but I'm finding The Wordy Shipmates'  "just one long essay with no chapters and plenty of jumping around" style is greatly diminishing my enjoyment and education.
• I really resent it when my fingernails get long. It's like "I just cut you, fingernails! GOD!"
• I always sniff the cream.
• There is in existence a short video of me dancing around in the kitchen to "Centerfold" by the J. Geils Band, using a zucchini as a wang.
• There can never been too many raisins.
• Sometimes I buy movies that are really emotionally wrenching and then never watch them again. I think I buy them so that I can keep an eye on them.
• I once shoplifted a single marble from the drugstore near my house. 2 years later, I sneaked the same marble back into the store and put it back where I found it.
• They're real and they're spectacular.

Whew! That was exhausting. I'd take a nap if the dog wasn't right here, butting my leg with her nose and threatening to drop a deuce on the rug. Ah, Emmy Lou - you're like a fuzzy personal trainer who licks herself. Aren't you? Aren't you? Good dog.

As you know, I choose not to assign these things. But if you're looking for some fodder, consider yourself tagged!

Creampuffs Return to the Grind

6:00 a.m. is not the same as 9:00 a.m.

For one thing, it's a lot earlier. For another, I'm not really done sleeping. Thirdly, not only is it too dark to knit, but I no longer seem to have a full 8 hours a day to devote to that pursuit. I KNOW! Shitballs. This "back-to-work" stuff blows.

In other news, we have returned from fair Victoria, where we made out like bandits at Second Christmas! We felt quite spoiled by our books, dvds, extremely pricey face cream, and, of course, Santa's favourite stocking stuffer - the Clinique bonus. Among our gifts, I presented my father with the gift of several weeks of my slow slow knitting, resulting in - handknit socks!

He was kind enough to model them for me. Such a handsome foot!

We had a delightful time in Victoria, gorging on cheese and figs, watching the dog run free in the park and creating a new DC Comic series entitled Batman vs. The Widdler after Emmy Lou decided to take a big whiz in my parents' master suite. She was clearly exhausted after her crime.

We were a little concerned when we heard about all the snow happening in Vancouver and while she listened politely, I got the feeling my mom thought we were just being pussies. There was no snow in Victoria - surely we were exaggerating our piles of snowy troubles for effect (as she knows I am wont to do).

So when we hit some awesome blizzardation on the way home from the ferry last night, I was compelled to film it. It's almost as good as my seal oeuvre - ALMOST.

Happy Creampuff New Year!!

Oh, my lovelies. Love, sloth, bad weather and good eatin' - words cannot express the bliss we have experienced over the last week. It took awhile for us to remember how to not work, but after a day or two of hard slogging, we really found our "do nothing but what pleases" groove.

Emmy Lou has a new reindeer friend. Reindeer looks...nervous.

A delightful view of the snow covered city from our balcony, before it started raining and the combined icy crusted snow and slippery slush began to suck my will to live and ruin every dog walk.

Katr's giant atlas. I don't know why.

Three of my Sundara Yarn Seasons Collection booty from Katr (the fourth has already been commandeered for sockal purposes) - I made out like a bandit! A yarn bandit. A yarn bandit who wound 2200 yds of yarn into balls while watching 6 hours of Pride & Prejudice. A very tired yarn bandit. P.S. I just joined Ravelry as "Creampuff" - perhaps I'll see some of you there?

Dog - tree - fire roaring on the t.v. Aaaah yes. Perfection.

I hope you all had an equally felicitous holiday week of joy and fruitcake!

We were meant to cap our week of sloth with a visit from Katr's brother Drtr - sadly, a tree fell on his car during a windstorm in PA a couple of days ago (he was not inside the car at the time) and he couldn't make it up to Toronto in time to make his flight. Our hearts were as crushed as his hatchback - but we hope he can come do our every bidding for a visit sometime soon! Meantime, we are heading over to Victoria for second Christmas tomorrow, where the dog can finally run free and my family has promised to cheer Katr with impressions of her brother.

Happiest of New Years to you all! It's been a delightful break from the computer, but I must say I'm deeply looking forward to catching up on all of your 3-day eggnog bender antics! Huzzah 2009!