My heart skipped a beat when I went into the grocery store the other day. Because there, in the bakery section, was a whole shelf devoted to rich, delicious bricks of fruitcake.
I'm not going to lie to you - I bounced up and down and clapped my hands while exclaiming "Oh my god! Cakemas! It's Cakemas!"
The area cleared instantly.
I'm not sure when I first discovered my deep love of fruitcake. As a lifelong devotee of raisins, maraschino cherries, candied orange peel and whatever other crazy shit they put in fruitcake (crack, lard), I've never been able to get enough of that marzipan-icing-coated goodness. It's probably for the best that it's only available for limited periods.
You hear fruitcake being mocked fairly often during the holiday season. Apparently fruitcake is given as a gift in certain parts of the world and the recipients never seem appreciate it. Furthermore, they go on to commit sacrilege by using the fruitcake as a doorstop or lacing it with poison for the rats.
It pains me to think of this abuse of innocent fruitcake. So this year, I thought I'd offer a way out for the unwilling fruitcake recipients among you. I'd like to offer you a chance to re-home your fruitcake.
If you receive a fruitcake as a gift and find you'd rather chew your foot off than eat it, please consider mailing it to me (fruitcakes are known to travel well). I will mail you back a replacement gift, TBD - or donate a chicken, your choice. Just address your unwanted cake to:
Fruitcake Rescue
101 Delicious Lane
Vancouver, BC
Canada
or, for my real address, email me. Let's make this holiday season brighter and more delicious for all of us!
