Dear Virgin Mobile,
I think you will agree that in the beginning, we had a good thing going.Your kicky start-up music, sardonic voicemail guy and low commitment pay-as-you-go plan was attractive to a "occasional text and emergencies only" cellphone user like me. I knew you only wanted me for my money but I fooled myself into thinking it was more.
I let you get away with a lot, Virgin Mobile. Rate changes, network issues, I overlooked them because I was happy. Happy to keep it simple. Happy not to think about things.
I can't remember when you first started giving me less and less time with my own money. When I first got the phone, my pre-paid balance would last for 90 days. Then, one day, it was 60 days. No problem - even with my minimal phone use, I can see going through $20 in two months. Then, it was 45 days and I started to feel...used.
When it slipped down to 30 days, I registered the change, but in my heart, Virgin Mobile, I didn't believe it. I just couldn't accept that after three years together, you would pull something like this.
Oh, I know our arrangement was open - that we had no strings attached, no contract. But my own inertia and your more generous balance times of yore kept me hoping that you'd see the light. That you'd recognize that a 30 day limit was assaholic. That a 30 day limit on my balance made us BOTH look like idiots.
Because, Virgin Mobile - you seem young and in good shape. Can you really only hold on to my $20 for 30 days at a time? Is it really that taxing on your hipster computer system? Does it chafe your tight-fitting corduroy pants to carry that kind of jack around for more than a month?
Or was this all a ploy to drive me from our loveless pay-as-you-go marriage of convenience into the arms of your brother, the myPlan Monthly Package? Or worse, to your bastard cousin, the Auto Top-up, who automatically tops up my account when my balance is about to expire after only 30 fucking days, so that I can spend MORE money for a phone I RARELY USE so that you can save up for your new corduroy pants?? Fuck you, Virgin Mobile! And fuck your cousin!
The thing is that I might have considered some of these options if you hadn't pissed me off first. If you hadn't left me hanging at several key moments over the last couple of months with your sudden dropping of my calls, your life-endangering midnight expiration dates and your cocky attitude. But now I just hate you and I hate your ass face. It's over. Just...it's over.
Thanks to my ire and number portability, my meagre business and I are leaving you, Virgin Mobile. Perhaps I'll join my wife's "Family" plan. Perhaps I'll switch to a mobility plan that lets me keep my balance for 180 days and features the same calling rates. All I know is that this relationship, while toxic, has taught me some valuable lessons about misplaced loyalty and style over substance. One day I may even bring myself to thank you. But until that day, Virgin Mobile, I leave you with this:
You suck, Virgin Mobile. Good day.
