As I'm pretty sure I've mentioned in previous posts, I am an Olympics junkie. I love the effing Olympics. I'm like a crack addict who has to wait for two years between hits. I know that not everyone shares my ardour for the agony and ecstasy of the Games and that this particular Games is very controversial (Free Tibet!) and that the Games in general are hugely expensive and wasteful. I know these things. But when that cheesy, sweeping CBC Olympic theme enters my bloodstream through my ears, I am powerless to stop myself. I am glued to the TV for the duration.
Being addicted to the Olympic Games is not an easy path. It takes grit, determination, long hours and an HD cable package to compete with the best in the world. For any aspiring Olympic junkies out there, I thought I would draw on my vast experience in this area and share some tips that are sure to get you to the top of the Olympic viewing podium. Here now are my top ways for you to go for the gold while sitting down.
Warm Up
Don't go into the Games cold. There's too much at stake. Do some vocal exercises - there will be cheers of joy, growls of frustration and some all out yelling when you don't agree with the colour commentators. Also, there may be tears. You don't want to strain your voice during the first heat and have nothing but painful rasping left for the final.
Wrist stretches are also important - there will be extensive pointing, fist-shaking and, of course, remote control use.
Done right, your warm up ritual will enable you to spend equal amounts of time a) exclaiming loudly at how you're genuinely outraged at the skimpiness of the women's beach volleyball outfits and b) watching large portions of the women's beach volleyball games in slow motion.
Hydrate
It's important to make sure you're drinking enough fluids during the longer races - otherwise, you could cramp up metres from the finish line and get your ass handed to you by the Dutch.
Fortunately, Katr's "friends at Vitamin Water" mailed her 30lbs of free Vitamin Water just a few weeks ago. Why? We don't know. But we DO know that few things are more delicious than free rainbow-coloured drinks. When we're flagging at the half-way point and the race car's too far back, Vitamin Water is there to keep us peppy.
It's okay, at the end of a long day, to celebrate with an alcoholic beverage - just remember that booze can really effect your remote control reaction time.
Make sure you're getting proper nutrition
Like the Olympic athletes, your body needs to be in good working condition to endure the rigours of the Games. Try to remember this easy formula: for every Malteser you consume, also eat a grape.
Use Olympic jargon to deal with withdrawal when you're not actually able to watch the Olympics.
Here are some ways you can integrate Olympic terminology into your daily life:
When you're going to the ladies' room:
You: I'm going to practice my release moves.
When the dog is straining at the leash on your daily walk:
You: I don't think it's wise to pull out in front of the peloton this early in the race.
Dog: Are you wearing spandex?
When your boss asks you where the website copy is:
Her: You said you'd have it done by noon.
You: Well, I didn't do so well in the first heat, but I have high hopes for 
the repechage.
After you and your lady friend share a private "weightlifting" practice:
You: I think I just set an Olympic record in the snatch.
Her: Your clean and jerk could use some work.
Record as much coverage as you can ahead of time.
No matter which network you're watching, Olympic coverage breaks down like this:
- 25% Commentators saying the same things over and over and over while nothing's happening.
- 49% Advertising, sponsored "Olympic Moments", anchor banter, documentary segments about the host country
- 1% Mmmm, gay girl crush on Ian Hanomansing
15% Actual action involving sports I want to see (cycling, swimming, diving, gymnastics, rowing, kayak, women's team sports highlights, track & field, running, occasional tennis)- 10% Actual action involving sports I do not care for (dressage, sailing, men's team sports, boxing, wrestling, tae kwon do, shooting, walking)
This means that out of a six-hour block of CBC's Olympic Coverage, there's generally only about an hour of actual content I care about. This makes the PVR and your remote control your two best friends. And if you're enhancing your Olympic experience by knitting, you'll need a doubles partner to operate the remote.
My Olympic viewing doubles partner is Katr and I couldn't ask for a better teammate. She's aggressive, strategic and always pauses when I have to go practice my release moves.
Take it one day at a time.
The Olympics is 17 days long. You cannot expect to see it all. Pace yourself and be realistic about how much of the Games you can handle.
Also, while it may seem wise to clear your schedule during this time, it's actually important to:
- Continue showing up for work
- Keep in touch with friends and family; and
- Honour your various social obligations while the Olympics are on
Trust me - it's going to be bad enough when the Games are over. At least if you haven't screwed up your job and blown off your friends, you'll have good people around to help you pick up the pieces. I learned that the hard way after Nagano.
