The flame is out.
"The flame is out," I sighed plaintively to Katr as the Olympic blaze was extinguished in Beijing.
"The flamer's out?" she said, peering out towards the balcony of the known homosexual across the street. "In this weather?"
Now that the Games are over, I'm gearing up to go through my usual five stages of Olympic grief.
Denial: Sure the GAMES are over, but the montages set to inspiring music live on. Surely they'll be playing those for several more hours, right? So what if there's major league baseball on right now? The montages are coming. I WILL NOT LEAVE THIS COUCH, WOMAN!
Anger: GodDAMN why didn't my parents put me in sports when I was a kid?? I could have been an Olympian myself! I could have been a contender! (This, if you know my parents, couldn't be more unfair. Those people had me signed up for every sport there was. Swimming, soccer, dance, gymnastics, skiing, figure skating, basketball, track & field - they paid for lessons, went to recitals, coached my sports teams, sent me to camps. Few stones in the world of sport were left unturned by them. The truth is that I was moderately good at everything and could possibly have excelled at one of these disciplines had the thrill of victory not been eclipsed by my total devotion to inertia and pie.)
Bargaining: If I walk the dog extra hard today, Ian Hanomansing will come over later with his pictures from Beijing and a cheesecake.
Depression: Not only am I getting too old to become an Olympian, but I suspect I'm also too old now to play one on TV.
Acceptance Snacking: Cheetos and Southern Comfort will fill this void within me.
To keep the glory going just a little bit longer, I thought I'd award some Olympic accolades of my own.
Favourite Olympic Blog Post: Has to go to Syd, for her in-depth analysis of women in sport.
Best Horse Name in Equestrian Competition: Jumpy Des Fontaines (ridden by Zhenqiang Li of China)
Best Angry Athlete Quote: Sherraine Schalm, fencer and medal hopeful, after a soul-crushing defeat at the hands of a rival early in the competition, told a reporter "It's like I imagine being a man. It's like being kicked in the nuts repeatedly." I hear you, Sherraine.
Gayest Athlete in Gayonia: Australia's totally adorable gold medallist 10 metre platform diver Matthew Mitchum. I'd never heard of him but seconds after tuning into the diving final, I turned to Katr and said "Perhaps he should be wearing a rainbow Speedo". It was so awesome to see him win. He was apparently the only openly gay male athlete at the Games. Way to keep the flame burning bright, brother!
Cutest High Jumping Librarian: Tia Hellebaut of Belgium. We have so much in common, Tia and I. We both wear glasses - we're both sponsored by Pizza Hut - we both scored a personal best in the high jump this year. Hers was 2.05 metres. Mine was 1.5 feet - just over the height of our couch.
Speaking of sponsors, before I sign off, I'd like to thank mine:
Petro-Canada: Helping this armchair athlete since 2006.
Vitamin Water: I believe it was your Dragonfruit flavoured water that provided the key hydration I needed to help me blast through the entire women's mountain bike competition in one sitting.
Small Potato Urban Delivery (SPUD): Without you guys bringing a box of goodness to our door every week, we might not have eaten a single fruit or vegetable throughout these Games (Katr tells me that the mushrooms on pizza "do not count").
Pizza Hut: Without whom I would never have successfully completed the biathlon, consisting of the following two events: 24 Hour Bung-Up and Shit-a-Discus.
Thanks to all of you who made my armchair Olympics so memorable. Here's hoping that next time around, I'll have improved in my sport and graduated from armchair Olympian to balcony Olympian. I hear they're holding the Opening Ceremonies in 2010 across the street from here and I don't want to miss a thing.
