The rumours are true. The creampuffs are heading south for BlogHer! Look out, citizens of Washington, Oregon and California! We will soon be among you! Drinking your Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi! Shopping at your fat girl stores! Choking on the smoke plume of 1000 raging infernos! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah!
I didn't realize the full extent of the California wildfire problem until I saw Katr looking over this map:
I didn't have my glasses on and I knew she'd been looking at winery tours and other outdoor activities in Sonoma, where we're spending a few days before the conference.
"Oooh," I said, pointing to the little red icons on the map, "are those strawberry farms?"
Guess what? They're not. I may bring a ham to smoke on the drive down.
I'm really looking forward to this trip and not just because I've programmed all the Dunkin' Donuts locations into our new GPS. Why? Well, because:
I love meeting people from The Internet, some of whom will be at BlogHer (I think) and some of whom might meet us for lunch in Portland.
I love shopping in the fat girl stores of America.
I love Katr's action-oriented mom, Patr, who's joining us once we hit California. Patr, she likes to do touristy things, most of which don't involve sitting (although many of them *do* involve eating).
She puts us to shame with her spryness and we seriously thought about undertaking some kind of training program before the trip so that we could keep up with her. Of course, our training regime consisted of saying things like "Man, that trip is coming up soon. We'd better get on that." and then having some congratulatory pie.
Last night, I had a dream where Patr was flitting through colourful flea markets and enjoying wine tastings while we lumbered along behind her like the Mystics from The Dark Crystal.
I'm also really looking forward to the BlogHer part of the trip, which is funny to me. Because while the "hanging out with a bunch of chicks who write stuff" part sounds pretty fun, the conference also involves two things I really dislike: talking about blogging in general and talking about my blog in particular.
Blogging to me is like sex to Catholics: You do it with the lights off and don't talk about it after. I shuddered so often while writing out my 5 Reasons for Blogging last year that I nearly pinched a nerve. And the biggest challenge is that when you go to a blogging conference, everyone opens with "What's your blog about?" and I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I know that this is not acceptable and I've been working really hard to come up with a one-line response. Here's what I've got so far:
"It's about how expensive things should also come with handjobs."
"It's about how sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much."
"Death. And candy."
"It chronicles my adventures as the lead singer of a band called the Chafetains."
"I blog my truth."
"It's about the way I live my life: fat, naked and dangerous."
"It's about donuts and the fat lesbians who love them."
"Stuff."
Okay, okay, I'm still working on it. Maybe some inspiration will come my way while I'm packing (my suitcase). Or perhaps after we hit the road tomorrow at the crack of dawn. Or perhaps after several sparkling wine coolers at the opening BlogHer mixer, where my answer will likely be "I blog about my pants and how they're missing right now." Get ready.
