When I started blogging three years ago, I had to decide if I was going to have an anonymous blog or one with my actual name on it. I made a list of the pros and cons of anonymous vs. onymous blogging. It looked something like this:
Anonymous Blogging | Onymous Blogging |
Trash whoever I want!! Yeeeeaaaaah!! | Have to "care" about other people's "feelings" |
Share my innermost thoughts, fears and non-donut-related sexual fantasies with my readers | Ha ha NO |
Perhaps no one will ever read it | My friends will read it just to shut me up |
Can't publicly take credit for anything funny I might come up with | Fame! I want to live forever. |
Obviously, vanity won out over the need to crap on people and you know what? I'm glad. Because I honestly think blogging has made me a nicer person. I like to think that I'm all tough and bitchy (and I certainly enjoy the gossip) but the truth is that I'm a big fucking marshmallow and nothing makes me sadder than hurting someone's feelings - even if it's someone who completely chaps my ass. So early on I adopted a strict blogging policy that I won't say anything about someone on my blog that I wouldn't be happy to say to them in real life, given the opportunity. That includes you, Louise.
That said, sometimes you don't GET the opportunity to say things to people in real life. Because at the time, they wouldn't shut the fuck up. What follows are a few things I wish I could have said to the gentleman I met in the dog park today.
- You can smoke in the dog park. It's a free country. But could you not ASH ON MY DOG, DIPSHIT??
- I can take your big dog barking its head off OR I can take you close-talking. But not both.
- I do know where Brazil is. I do know they speak Portuguese there. I do know that Spanish and Portuguese have similarities but are not the same language. Just because YOU were ignorant of these facts before going to Brazil for three months does not mean that I was. Although I'm glad you learned something.
- You do not have to "entertain me" with the three Portuguese phrases you "developed" during your time in Brazil. This isn't Blind Date. Although, if it was ... it wouldn't be going well.
- I'm no Dog Whisperer, but I don't think that holding your dog's mouth closed and yelling "No bark!" in his face is an effective dog training technique. I question its effectiveness mainly because, when you finally let him go, he just barked louder. That's the only reason I didn't then hold your mouth closed and yell "No talk!" in YOUR face.
- When someone is walking away from you, that's a pretty good hint that she doesn't need to hear any more pointless anecdotes. Don't blow your pointless anecdote wad all at once, pal! Save it up!
- If you say "Thanks for listening" to someone as they're leaving, that says to me that you know you talk non-stop, but that you're not interested in changing that about yourself. And to that I say "Really? Then I'm not interested in being polite next time I see you! Score!"
So, AviatorGlasses BarkyDog - if you ever come across my blog, during your search for "entertaining Portuguese phrases for boring creampuffs at the dogpark" - this is what I would like to have said to you. So perhaps you were clever not to let me get an word in edgewise! Of course, I'm hoping that this was a one-time encounter - but just in case it wasn't, can anyone tell me the Portuguese for "no talk?" I wanna try something.
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