We're back! So much blah blah to share! And pictures! Thank you all for your well-wishes and other hilarious comments!!
When I'm so behind on the blogging, I never know where to start, but since a few of you have specifically asked how the whole CBC Canada Writes national radio gameshow thing played out, perhaps I should just begin there.
The short answer is "it ended in humiliation and defeat!! HA ha!!". But here is what I remember:
- I show up at the CBC building on the morning of my wedding day, fresh as a daisy after three hours sleep. When I ask the security guard where to go, he tells me that I'm late and that they've already started and I need to run! Run! I doubt him but wander down the hall anyway. On my way back to tell him he's an idiot, I meet fellow finalist and blogger Ben Boudreau from Halifax. We mock the security guard amongst ourselves, but quietly, in case he's armed.
- The other finalists, Amy Neufeld (Edmonton), Jenny Ryan (Saskatoon) and Derek Krismanich (Kitchener) arrive. The lovely producers have promised brioche for breakfast and we are all excited. Because we are hicks.
- We go upstairs, get a quick tour and then grab some breakfast in a conference room. All the other finalists are sweet, smart, funny people and I like them all immensely. Goddamn it.
- One by one we meet the host and the judges as we chow down. They are all very friendly. So friendly that it almost makes up for the fact that THERE WAS NO EFFING BRIOCHE.
- I get lost going to the bathroom.
- We all pile into the studio for the taping of the "first day". It's cozy. But at the end of this round, two of us will be voted off the Canada Writes Island, leaving more room for the victors! This is good, because with all 5 finalists in there, there was barely room for my ass. I still have the marks.
- The taping begins. Contestant Jenny Ryan describes us, her fellow finalists, as "very good looking" (it's true - stunning, all of us).
- I make a crack to host Jian Gomeshi about how Katr said she might not marry me if I didn't come back bearing the coveted Canada Writes "Golden Mouse" award.
- Judge Elvira Kurt cracks wise that perhaps, if I am dumped by Katr, Jenny "all the other finalists are very good-looking" Ryan might sleep with me.
- I'm the first finalist up to read my "Canadian classic" movie pitch. The reading part goes okay. And then the judging begins.
- I hear my fellow finalists quietly vomiting behind me as the previously jovial judges tear into my light Victorian lesbian romp the way I tear into an eggnog cheesecake - viciously. Judge Terry O'Reilly makes good points about what my pitch is lacking. Judge Dionne Taylor might have said something, but all I remember is her scrunched up "me-no-likee" face. Judge Elvira Kurt says (among other things) that it's just a mess of cliches and she's surprised it took me a whole hour to write it. Through the sleep deprivation and general nausea, a single thought flickers into my foggy, foggy mind as my Canada Writes journey comes crashing to halt. The thought is "Heeeeey! I might make my hair appointment after all!"
- I sit back down. I survey the bloodless faces of my suddenly terrified fellow finalists. Jenny Ryan holds up her notepad, on which she has written "I'll still sleep with you." Then Derek Krismanich holds up his notepad. It says "Me too."
- One by one, the rest of the finalists present their movie pitches, with varying degrees of approval from the Dragon's Den. It's pretty clear overall, though, which two of us are not going to make the cut. Hint: one of them is ME.
- Ben Boudreau and I each have 10 seconds to convey our final thoughts once we are voted off. I hope that one of us throws a diva fit, drops the F-bomb and stomps out. Sadly, we are both too Canadian.
- I say something both polite and very true about what a great experience the whole thing had been and how fantastic the other finalists are. Elvira Kurt cracks "Oh, she's not bitter at ALL." I laugh and think "Oh, Elvira Kurt. How I used to giggle at your childhood tales of sleeping in your bathing suit. And now - now, you are dead to me."
- The remaining finalists get their next challenge (an hour to write a 200-word humour piece about their childhood) and we all leave the studio. There are hugs and goodbyes and best wishes and everyone is lovely. Still a little shell-shocked, Ben and I wander out to the hallway, where the videographer tapes an exit interview with us. I haven't watched it yet, but remember thinking that we were HILARIOUS. Then we both take a whiz and leave.
- I whip out my cellphone and call Katr. "I got voted off first!!" I holler into my phone. "Will you still marry me if I don't bring the prize laptop to our marriage as my dowry?" Lucky for me, the answer is a resounding "yes" and not just because we've paid a huge catering deposit. I hop in a cab to meet up with my love and her friend Tagu. And then . . . I get my hair done for my wedding. Jealous? HA ha!
[okay, so it looks a little scruffy in this picture - but the flowers! So cute!]
So thank you, CBC, for providing me with some additional fun and frolic on the morning of my nuptials. It really was a blast. And as for the parts that weren't a blast - well, let's just say I drank to forget.
Up next - the wedding! Followed by the honeymoon! Pictures of stuff! And this thing I wrote before the whole wedding happened about how our stupid bathroom at the Holiday Inn destroyed my innocence forever!
While you're waiting for the next installment, do head over to DropDeadHappy for Edition 2.6 of the International Carnival of Pozivities. Read - learn - get involved in the fight against HIV/AIDS - and be sure to leave comments for the contributors!!
