I usually avoid the cosmetics department. I don't really wear much make-up (a little mascara and '80's style eyeliner) and every time I walk through one of those places I either:
a) get hassled for a makeover, until they get a good look at my ass and realize that I might crush their delicate, distressed wire stools or
b) get guerilla-spritzed with Sarah Jessica Parker's Covet.
But our big gay wedding is coming up and we'd like to look good in our pictures and our lovely friend Mach volunteered to do our wedding makeup for us and we don't actually own any makeup, so yesterday found Mach, Katr and I deliberately entering the cosmetics department of the Bay for some makeover fun. Jealous?
We had initially planned to go to MAC, but they were very busy and important at MAC - too busy for last minute creampuffs. We were then drawn to the super-cool packaging at Benefit, but, while there was a makeover station all set up, there was no one working the counter. We waited around for several minutes, touching all the stuff and then finally asked the girl at MAC where the Benefit girl was. She told us that she'd never actually seen anyone working at Benefit. Good job, Benefit.
The MAC girl then pointed us towards Cargo, where the stools were sturdy, the brand was Canadian and they had Halloween candy in a bowl. It's like they knew we were coming.
There was some initial confusion over why we were there:
Mach: They're getting married and we need some makeup.
Cargo Lady: It's for a wedding? Which one of you is getting married?
Us: We both are.
Cargo Lady: Wha-? At the same time?
Us: To each other.
Pause while the Cargo Lady got it.
Cargo Lady: Ohhhhhhhh! Well, hey hey!
Minutes later I was perched on a stool, being brushed with foundation by makeup artist Kelly, while Katr was prepped on another stool and Mach looked on, taking notes and eating tiny Coffee Crisps. Kelly, who also does makeup for tv and movies, had some helpful tips for good "picture" makeup - nothing that's shiny and lots of contouring to create shadows. As she "minimized" my chins and created some cheekbones, I was reminded of that scene in Roxanne when Steve Martin tries to downplay his Cyrano schnozz with some dark shading action. I laughed a little to myself, then choked on the powder. Then Kelly nearly poked my eye out with a Q-Tip.
I expected to feel spackled, with all the foundation and powder and contouring powder and blush and eyeshadow and eyeshadow and eyeshadow and cream eyeliner and powder eyeliner and mascara and lipliner and lip gloss and I also expected to look, as my grandfather used to say, like a hoor. But it all felt very lightweight and I have to say that in the store, under the very bright lights, I looked pretty good. Still like me, but faker.
The lovely
Katr was pleased with her look too and when it was all over, we bought alot of Cargo stuff. Probably too much stuff. In fact, between what we bought and the "gifts with purchase" I think we may have enough to go into the makeup business ourselves. We'd call our line Argo - Gently Distressed Cosmetics and all of the packaging would have mysterious holes right in front of the "Argo".
Starving and exhausted by the glamour of it all, Mach, Katr and I took our bags to a nearby eatery and chowed down. Later, in low light of the bathroom at the restaurant, I checked out my face - still looking good. But when we returned to our hotel, I saw the makeup for the first time under regular light.
It was like Sigourney Weaver, when she gets possessed by Zoul in Ghostbusters, had mated with the giant Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and I was their demon love-child.
Good thing the wedding is at night. Mach - work your magic!
In other news, it's October 26th! Strange Sisters at Buddies in Toronto! Urban Tales 10 - BiFurious! at Northern Light in Edmonton! Have a fabulous weekend!
