Not a lot of people know this, but I was almost solely responsible for the Edmonton Oilers winning the Stanley Cup in 1985.
I was 10 years old and had been reading a book about spells and witchcraft during the playoffs. So when it came time for the deciding game between the Edmonton Oilers and the Philadelphia Flyers, I knew that all it would take to put the Oilers over the edge was a good defensive line and some wicked hexing.
I had obtained a mini-puck bearing the Flyers logo from a Happy Meal and it formed a central part of my hexing set up. The other ingredients of my ritual were:
- Herbs (from an herbal tea bag I had ripped open)
- A small flashlight (as a pyrophobic, I didn't mess with matches)
- Sugar-free Lime Kool-Aid (to immerse the mini-puck)
- Sugar-free Grape Kool-Aid (for my refreshment)
When the game started, I made sure I was in the living room, where a Stanley Cup final-watching party was in progress. I let the Flyers skate around the ice for awhile, unsuspecting. I wanted them to get a little cocky before I took them down. A few minutes into the first period, I slipped away to begin.
First, I lowered the vinyl black-out blind in my room. Then I turned off my light. Then I turned my light on again, because I couldn't find my flashlight. Then I turned my light back off and turned on the flashlight. I carefully sprinkled the "herbs" into the Kool-Aid, all the while chanting "Mmm-mmm-OIL-ers, mmm-mmm-OIL-ers" in a deep, pagan voice. And then I slowly lowered the Flyers mini-puck into the herbed Lime Kool-Aid. I heard it sizzle as it dropped into my "potion" and I pushed it down with my fingers. As the Flyers logo disappeared beneath the dirty Kool-Aid, I changed my chant to the following:
You are blind, you cannot see
You will lose, because of me.
You are blind, you cannot see
You will lose to Wayne Gretz-ky.
I kept this up for several minutes. Occasionally, I would waggle the flashlight into the water, to further disorient the hapless Philadelphia Flyers. Soon, the Flyer logo began to peel and I slowly stripped the gummy sticker bits off the puck with my fingernails, a little at a time. I didn't want to go too fast; I knew the importance of an exciting game.
Every now and then, I would wipe my wrinkly, Lime Kool-Aid fingers off on my pants and pop out to the living room to see if my hard hex work was paying off. Also, the living room was where the cheeseballs were and I could never stay away from cheeseballs for long. After a particularly rigorous bout of hexing, I emerged to find the Oilers had scored a goal! The others pumped their fists in the air and cheered - I merely nodded sagely and mainlined cheeseballs. I would need my strength for the third period.
My tongue was purple and my hands were green by the time the game ended. But the Oilers had won!! And it was pretty clear why. I considered writing them a letter to let them know how I'd clinched the Stanley Cup for them in only 5 games, but then decided that to do so would be to out myself as a witch. And outing yourself . . .that can be a big commitment. So I settled for remarking to my dad "It's a good thing the Oilers had a little witch looking for them, huh?" And my dad said "What's all that green stuff on your carpet, honey?"
I've never been a big hockey fan. I'm just not that kind of lesbian. And while the IDEA of women playing hockey is awesome, really, in the end, it's just hockey - with chicks. And sure, our orange and blue dining room and our orange and blue kitchen tile COULD be construed as an homage to the Oiler logo, though that certainly wasn't our intent.
But when I see how excited the fans in my hometown are over the Oilers making it to the Stanley Cup final . . . when I hear them belt out The Star-Spangled Banner as a show of support and hospitality to the visiting 'Canes . . . when I reflect on how at least they didn't loot my dad's office on Whyte Ave after the most recent victory . . . when 'Canes fan Ron shares HIS delicious pre-game rituals . . .it makes me want to hit the Fresh Mart for some Lime Kool-Aid and a flashlight. Because even if I don't actually live there any more, the Edmonton Oilers are my home team. And because win or lose - I support the home team.
Also, if the Oilers win, it'll really piss off Calgary. HA ha!!
In completely unrelated to hockey news, Chgi and I have started our daily posting over on the 87% True: The Lies that Bind blog. Scintillating car insurance tales, lines left on the cutting room floor, photos of our promo buttons and, of course, the running Slurpee count; killing time on a Monday just got easier.
