The girlfriend is out of town on business! Let the debauchery begin! I'll get the hookers if you bring the blow! 58 hours - NO PANTS!! Wooooooooooo!
Ha ha. Just kidding about the blow. But my increasingly famous and accomplished partner Katr (whose awesome blog and lovely Riverdale Farm tulip photos got a great shout-out today from Andy Barrie on CBC's Metro Morning) really is out of town and while the sorry state of my bank account precludes both hookers and blow, there are a few things I enjoy doing when my lady love is . . . absent. A short list of planned rebellious domestic activities follows:
Crackers and Slurpees for dinner. I'm ace at breakfast. I can put together a decent lunch. But by the time it's dinner, I've already made two "regular meals". What do I want from me - blood?? Katr and her demands for green vegetables generally steer me in the direction of healthy evening meals, but when she's not here, it's crackers. And a Slurpee, but only if I can bring myself to put on pants. So far, no dice.
Get the most out of that 11:35 p.m. to 3 a.m. work period. We all have our "good" work times, don't we? The times when we are the most focused, the most creative, the most ALIVE? In my day to day, I generally hit two out of a possible four great work periods and the 11:35 p.m. to 3 a.m. slot is rarely one of the two. Not this week, gang. To be fair, sometimes the work I produce in this latest, most hallowed work period is deeply, deeply asstastic. But sometimes working in the wee hours helps me find a different rhythm, or experience a flash of brilliance or stumble into lurve, as I did nearly 3 years ago. Also, few things beat the midnight Slurpee and I happen to know that after 10:30 p.m., the 7-11 clerks actually prefer you don't wear pants. Because they're pervs? No. Because it is harder to shoplift without pants. HA ha - score!
Spend more time than is strictly necessary thinking about how I am three degrees from Gina Torres. Katr, a huge fan of Viggo Mortensen's Aragorn, is very good-humoured about my avid interest in Gina Torres. But? When the Firefly DVD is on and I keep pausing it? On hot shots of Gina Torres? And then kinda get all close to the screen and stuff? And then rewind and watch? And then pause again? Yeah, Katr, she no likee that.
Watching grisly crime and medical dramas on television. Katr dislikes these types of shows, but I can't help myself. I like the CSI. I love the Law & Order (the original though - I refuse to watch SVU, or, as I refer to it, "The Weekly Rape"). I'll even watch docudrama like American Justice. I will stay up very late watching these shows. And then I will try to go to bed. Alone.
This activity is especially fun for Katr when the phone rings in her hotel room at 3:00 a.m. (Hint: It's me calling).
Katr: Unnnngh. Wha . . . who . . .
Me: (panicked whispering) I think someone's in the house.
Katr: Wha . . . unngh.
Me: (still whispering) I keep hearing this clacking noise, a clacking. Omigod!! There it is again! OH MY GOD.
Katr: Wha . . . baby . . . where is the noise coming from?
Me: (shrieking, yet whispering) The study! The study!
Katr: Unnnngh . . . Is it the same noise you hear when the window is open in there? And, unnngh . . . the wind blows the blinds around? And they make that clacking noise?
Pause.
Me: Oh my god. YES. THANK YOU. (big sigh of relief, followed by normal voice) So, how's your sleep going? Good?
Click.
I know, I know - WILD TIMES, people! I can't wait to get started. As of this posting, about 50 hours remain before sweet Katr's return. Suggestions are welcome.
