Every "women's" magazine out right now has "Holiday Diet Tips" on their covers and I like to check in every year to see if the tips have gotten any more innovative:
"Before going to a party, strap your dog's electric shock collar to your wrist and cover it with a festive bangle! Give the remote control to your husband and make sure he knows the limits you've set for yourself. When you reach for that 4th cookie, he'll know to zap you - and you'll know how much he cares about helping you keep your girlish figure!"
That's where I imagine the Woman's World Weekly tip would end; the Cosmo version would probably also include how, as a reward for staying slim and sexy, you can go home and use the shock collar on your husband's junk to give him "a night he'll never forget!"
Sadly, it seems that the holiday diet tips for this year are pretty much the same as they are every year:
- Fill up on healthy veggies before a party to curb your appetite!
- No time to get to the gym? Try personal trainer Jim Skidnicky's Turkey Squats! 20lb turkey x 3 sets of 12 reps= a firm, toned behind.
- 4 words: "Is this eggnog fat-free?"
Fat-free eggnog? Light eggnog is one thing, but FAT-FREE? Eating carrots - actually, scratch that, carrots are full of carbs - celery instead of shortbread cookies shaped like moose? Why not just hit yourself in the face with a board?
I will be the first to acknowledge that the holidays are less fun when you feel like barfing fruitcake all the time. But I feel that the magazine diet tips really discourage you from capitalizing on the JOY of the season, which, for me, involves indulging in those fleeting, holiday-only treats, like fruitcake. And that, my friends, is cold, wet and wrong.
My gay friend Brle (a junior creampuff) and I used to make an action plan that enabled us to enjoy ourselves and yet avoid getting even fatter over the holidays - he and I would coordinate so that we got home to Edmonton at the same time every December. The deal was that we could eat anything we wanted while at home, but at 6:00 a.m. every day, Brle would pick me up at my parents' house and we would go to the gym and work out. This practice actually worked for the first 2 years, but I started noticing in year 3 that Brle's workouts were getting . . . shorter. At first, he would do weights and then the recumbent bike and then stretching. Then he decided that weights were unnecessary and that he would just do the bike and stretching. Then he decided that stretching was as good as a cardio workout "if you do it right" and then one day, once I hit the main gym, I didn't see him at all. I eventually found him having a milkshake in the cafeteria, watching the men's swim team work out in the pool below. "Their speedos - they're so TIGHT. Pass me that gingerbread man."
Even in the face of Brle's defection, I've tried to keep up the tradition of gym attendance over the 
holidays, mainly because I find exercising allows me to put away more light eggnog. Strength training also creates a need for more protein, a need I like to meet with my latest holiday treat love, Life Brand "Pecan Clusters" from Shoppers Drug Mart. They are essentially fake Turtles. Which I why I call them "Furtles".
Mmmm. I love Furtles. I especially love that they're $3.00 cheaper than brand name Turtles. Also, they have pecans in them. What do nuts have? Protein and fibre, people. I can practically hear my muscles building.
So I guess that really sums up my holiday health philosophy. Hit the gym and make sure you get helpings from each of the four holiday food groups: fruitcake, furtles, eggnog and turkey n' stuffing sandwiches. Because this shit only comes by once a year! And dieting over the holidays makes the Baby Jesus cry.
