I went to a baby shower this weekend for my friend Rela. This is Rela's first child and Rela's sister Sala was throwing the shower, so I knew it would be okay. Sala, Katr and I went on a fat girl shopping spree in Buffalo a couple of summers ago. We have a bond.
The *idea* of gift showers generally chaps my ass, partly because I still associate them with het privilege (although really, here in Canada, it's all: "Wedding/baby showers - they're not just for hets anymore!") and partly because . . . no, that was probably it. In the past, I passive-aggressively registered my disgruntlement by giving extraordinarily cheap "gifts" at showers. I'll shell out for a wedding but a shower too? You're getting a clubpack of PopTarts and you're gonna like it.
The first ever wedding shower I was invited to was for a university friend of mine, Lama. She was marrying a man who was training to be a High Lutheran minister. He signed all his love notes "Yours (as long as the Lord sees fit), Joku." The theme was "Recipes" and you were supposed to buy Lama a kitchen implement of some kind and provide a recipe that involved that implement. I stole a spoon from Atkinson cafeteria, bought a packet of lemon jell-o and a packet of lime jell-o and provided a very detailed, two-page recipe for "Roro's Lemon-Lime Jell-o". Surprisingly, I did not receive a thank-you card.
I attended another hideously awkward wedding shower (which, I believe, was organized by the same woman who did Lama's shower) where the main event was blindfolding the bride-to-be, handing her a baseball bat and then letting her loose on a pinãta shaped like a penis. The vim with which the bride whacked the penisãta did not bode well for her groom. I believe that my gift, on that occasion, was a 2lb bag of M&M's.
So wedding/baby showers - they aren't my favourite thing. But I must say that all the ones I've been to lately have turned out to be highly enjoyable. I suspect this is because most of my friends who are getting hitched or reproducing are very cool (often queer) people. They hold showers that are low-key and either heavy with irony or have a folksy community feel. Rela's shower was both ironic and folksy and therefore, good times. Also, there was cheese. Also, cake. Also, we didn't have to play ANY variation of the "Dirty Diaper" games that our friend Jusm got me all concerned about the night before the shower. I kinda thought she was kidding, but I found this "game" and many like it online:
Surprise Baby Diaper- You need as many diapers as there are guests. Take only one diaper and create a "poop mess" inside (using chocolate). Either tape diapers underneath chairs or place diapers in some sort of basket and pass out to guests, having them choose their diaper. Have guests open the diapers at the same time. The one with the "surprise" diaper wins!!!
Wins WHAT? A chance to vomit on the hostess? The opportunity to make your own "poop mess" on her rug? Jesus Christ!
One of the games we did play (for there WERE games), was the "advice" game, where everyone writes down a piece of parenting advice and the mom-to-be has to guess who gave the advice. Rela picked my gem of wisdom out immediately, probably because it was the only one that contained the word "tits", but my co-gifter, Mipa, and I also filled our gift card with our own (childless) parenting tips. I know that Rela found them useful. I hope you will too.
- Babies can be real jerks.
- Keep your liquor cabinet locked. Babies dig whiskey and will soil your couch.
- Feeding babies cake all the time is not good for their digestive systems. Be sure to alternate cake and pie.
- Hide your car keys. Babies think they are great drivers, but they are wrong.
- It is never too early to teach your baby how to do the dishes.
- Babies - too young for nose rings. There will be time for nose rings later on. Like after the dishes are done.
