Creampuff Revolution

Creampuff Hysteria

I was so mesmerized by this babe’s glasses that I completely failed to notice that she’s holding a speculum. Fantastic.

That’s right ladies and friends of ladies, it’s time again for Hysteria, North America’s largest multi-disciplinary festival of work by women. If you’re here in T.O. and are lookin’ for some hot, female, multi-disciplinary action, come on down to Buddies in Bad Times and check out this year’s crop of talented babes doin’ their thing, and possibly yours! The festival opens this Thursday, Oct 27th and runs ’til November 5th - check out the schedule for info on times and tickets.

My new short piece about Anne of Green Gables, Anne and Diana Were TOTALLY DOING IT, is premiering on the final Saturday, November 5th, as part of the Sensorimotor Stage, starting at 8 p.m. Obviously, a play about fictional characters getting it on wouldn’t be complete without “speculative re-enactments” from the text; therefore, I have engaged highly talented and very patient local actors Rebecca Benson (as Anne) and Renee Olbert (as Diana) to play the girls in gingham. Mm-HMMM.

It promises to be a great festival all ’round - some breakdancing, some performance art, some comedy, some singin’, some boxing, some corncob innuendo (that’s us), a fully licensed venue - clearly, Hysteria is not to be missed! I hope to see some of you there. I’ll be the one avoiding the babe with the speculum.

Comments:

1. I totally have to go to a wanky scarberia wedding on the 5th. Would much rather be watching your show - the drinks are probably cheaper at Buddies.

   Comment by ers — Wednesday, October 26, 2005 @ 1:56 pm | Edit This

2. Oh my God, they totally WERE doing it. Bosum buddies, indeed.

   Comment by Melissa — Wednesday, October 26, 2005 @ 2:24 pm | Edit This

3. Ers, that blows. There probably won’t be as many girls making out at the Scarberia nuptials. Or WILL there?

   Melissa - I’m glad I’ve finally opened your eyes.

   Comment by Rose — Wednesday, October 26, 2005 @ 7:33 pm | Edit This

4. will a turkey be involved?

   Comment by newyorkex — Thursday, October 27, 2005 @ 12:19 am | Edit This

5. It would be a bit pricey to fly out, but quite possibly worth it!

   Comment by Winter — Thursday, October 27, 2005 @ 1:18 pm | Edit This

6. Winter, it IS scholarly investigation - maybe you could get some sort of academic bursary. It’s RESEARCH!

   NYex - there is no turkey. Only stuffing.

   Comment by Rose — Thursday, October 27, 2005 @ 5:18 pm | Edit This

7. Stuffing is the only thing you need.

   Comment by Melissa — Thursday, October 27, 2005 @ 8:38 pm

8. Oh god, I would totally give my right arm AND my eyeteeth to see your show. Have pity on a lifelong lesbo Anne Fan and take pictures or something!!

   Comment by Andygrrl — Monday, November 7, 2005 @ 2:21 pm

Creampuff Tries Not to Say "Ass Hamster" at Fancy NY Restaurant

Monday night in NYC, Katr and I did the tasting menu at the Restaurant Daniel. Katr warned me ahead of time that this was a classy place and that we would need to be on our best behaviour. We had wardrobe consultations. Katr kindly loaned me her black silk clutch bag in place of my cartoon duck purse. I wore matching socks and lipstick. It was this whole big thing. My stomach was all a-flutter, and not just because I’d been hit on (more on that later) and then had that “chai latté” at Chock Full o’ Nuts.

I met Katr in the lounge at Daniel and we spoke in hushed tones as the suave, French maître d’ led us to the table. Our table was perfectly situated for people-watching; the chairs plush and comfortable. The waiters were solicitous but not condescending. I began to relax slightly. I leaned over and tucked my purse in next to my feet, just under the table. A minute later, I felt a flurry by my leg; I looked down and saw that one of the lithe french waiters had placed my purse upon a velvet pedestal, about knee height. And that, my friends, was the moment I knew I couldn’t say “ass hamster” in the restaurant.

Dinner was very good and extremely rich; we did the 9 course tasting menu and I believe at least 7 of those courses involved a pound of butter. Katr, comme toujours, took notes, whereas I simply savoured the food, began to unintentionally speak in a French accent and crooned sweet nothings to my purse pedestal between courses. All in all, it was quite delightful and romantic. Although later . . . the butter nearly killed us. But we won’t speak of it.

What I will speak of, however, is how I got hit on by a guy from South America while I strolled up 5th Avenue with an enormous bag of newly purchased ginch. As some of my long time readers may recall from a post in May (Creampuff Pick Up), I’m getting a little better at figuring out when someone is hitting on me. This time, the signs were obvious. The appreciative smile and nod. The warm “you look like a Four Seasons buffet” greeting. The heavy accent. The word “beautiful” was used to get my attention and also “elegant” (a new one - no one has ever called me elegant before, particularly when I’m wearing sneakers and the duck purse). Then came the questions: was I new in town? Was I just visiting? I saw him check out my ring finger before asking if I was in town with . . . my boyfriend?

Generally I don’t tell random guys who hit on me on the street that I’m a big lez, mainly due to personal safety issues. But I was on a busy street and this guy - looked a little like a young Dustin Hoffman and was wearing a pale yellow fleece. So I say to him that I am in town with my girlfriend. “Ah,” he says, “friend.” I sense he doesn’t really get it. Through a series of hilarious hand gestures, we establish that my “friend” is, in fact, more than a friend.

Usually, this is the point where the guy asks if I’ve ever been with a man (and if I have, then obviously not the right one). Dustin, however, simply looks crestfallen and says “Well, it’s nice to be in love. Congratulations!” I thank him. We walk along for a moment and then he says “I, euh, am curious . . . you . . . have husband?” I am confused - I thought we’d worked this all out. “No, ” I say, “two women.” He says “No, no, I understand two women but . . . who is the man?”

Ohhh. Well . . . that’s a good question. Who IS the man in our relationship? What does “being the man” mean? Does one of us have to be “the man"? Dustin opened up a whole can of worms with his query. I was about to dig in . . . but then I remembered that I was saving myself for dinner. Instead, I tried to decide which answer would get rid of him faster.

“I am,” I said.

“Ah,” he said.

Dustin was fleet of foot. I congratulated myself on a job well done. And then I went back to the hotel to try on my ginch.

Comments:

1. I would like to request an artist’s rendering of the purse pedistal, please and thank you. I am also aghast that there has been no mention made of the wonderful mass of Starting Over episodes that your DVR has recorded for you. PS: You still have to watch the shows, lady. The DVR ain’t gonna recap them for you, you know.

   Comment by Melissa — Saturday, October 22, 2005 @ 9:37 pm

2. I’m surprised he didn’t just say, “Mmm, baby. Like that back. Gimme some.”
   We like to get the point in the City. At least it worked for me.

   Comment by newyorkex — Monday, October 24, 2005 @ 12:24 am

3. Melissa - I’ll get right on that purse pedestal thing. Maybe you can enhance it and send the finished piece to the Starting Over house! And you’re right - the DVR won’t recap the shows for me and their crappy website won’t either. Guess I’d better get watchin’.

   NYEx - I too was surprised that Dustin didn’t use that classy line. Even though English was not this fellow’s first language, you’d think he’d have picked THAT up at least. Now I’m looking forward to a post on your blog outlining how that approach worked for YOU.

   Comment by Rose — Monday, October 24, 2005 @ 11:29 am

4. I think I might have gotten a little more offended and replied…"two women…hello?..that is the point, we don’t need nor do we want a man.” But then again strange men talking to me in a big city seem to put me on the defense but it does sound like you nadled yourself quite nicely.

   Comment by jen — Monday, October 24, 2005 @ 1:14 pm

5. you go girl! what a night. you’ve actually managed to make me miss the city!

   Comment by janine — Monday, October 24, 2005 @ 3:45 pm

6. Hi, this has nothing to do with your post of comments, but DUDE. Apparently, crazy-fraudster Towanda is pregnant!

   http://startingover.betaparticle.com/blog/template_archives_cat.asp?cat=11

   Comment by Melissa — Monday, October 24, 2005 @ 5:44 pm

7. Thanks, Jen! I suppose that if I was more dedicated to tackling the language barrier, I might have gotten all riled up. But you know, I did have to hurry back to the hotel to try on the new ginch. All about priorities, I tell you.

   Janine - miss the city? Pshaw. Where you’re at sounds fabulous (especially the snow!)

   Melissa - where do you FIND these things? I’m headed there RIGHT NOW.

   Comment by Rose — Tuesday, October 25, 2005 @ 8:53 pm

8. Lady, I am trained as a librarian, you know. So I use my crazy powers of finding information for my own evil purposes of entertainment. You will note excessive recaps there as well, and RRS feeds to let you know when one has been posted. Hot. And also, DAMN.

   PS: My DVR’s second reciever was activated this morning by my cable company. Record two shows at the same time! Set series recordings of only new episodes. I have decided to marry the damn thing.

   Comment by Melissa — Tuesday, October 25, 2005 @ 9:56 pm

Creampuff Hits New York, Gets Shits, Hit On

Jet-setting Katr gets to go to the BlogOn conference here in New York City for a few days! And I get to tag along with her, thus continuing two of the integral roles I play in our relationship:

a) the adorable, clueless asker of stupid and/or complicated questions at completely stressful/inappropriate times; and

b) purse sherpa.

I have never been to New York and my more savvy friends were full of advice on how to spend our few precious days here. Obviously, seeing as how I like el teatro, the idea of seeing a show here crossed my mind; but when you’re in town on Sunday, Monday and leave Tuesday and you’re on a budget and you haven’t had time to do a lot of research on what’s playing - the pickin’s, they are slim. I whacked a kid in the head with my bag by accident while he was singing a song from The Lion King, which is playing near our hotel - I think that’s as close as we’re getting to the big shew on this trip. Next time - for sure.

What we DID do was hit the DigitalLife Expo at the Javits Center, where Katr bought the hottest laptop bag I have ever seen. GOD, I lust after that bag. She’s promised to post pictures of it on her blog, so keep your eye out. HOT.

Once the excitement there got to be too much for us, we went down to Soho to check out the entirely delightful Housing Works Used Book Café on Crosby Street, where Chezza volunteers. I bought a book on adventure racing (I don’t want to BE an adventure racer, I just want to play one on tv) and a latté. And it was then that the cramps hit.

Good Places to Take a Dump in Soho When You Are the Victim of Intestinal Distress:

1. Housing Works Used Book Café

2 separate johns, unisex, equipped with fans. 2 johns are advantageous if you need to spend alot of time in one of them reading your adventure racing book - you don’t feel as guilty hogging one if there are two.

2. The Butterfly Grill on Bleecker Street

Our party, Chezza, Katr, Juwe and Chezza’s friend whose last name I don’t know, so we’ll have to call her Boedy, all agree that dinner kinda blew. Perhaps “blew” is too strong a word - it was just very bland. But the bathroom was a dream stop on my Ring of Fire tour. Fan? Check. Mirror high enough up that you don’t have to look at yourself while it’s happening? Check. Glade? Check. The only downside is that it’s the only washroom on the premises, which led to what I like to call “ladies shitter hogging anxiety". Fortunately, I was undisturbed during my visit there. Unfortunately, I forgot my adventure racing book at the table.

3. The Crate & Barrel on Broadway and Houston

I didn’t actually have to go in, but Chezza assures me that the bathrooms on the 2nd floor are great. Also, when I was doing a search just now, I found out that Crate & Barrel also has changing tables in the men’s room, for dads changing babies. Rock on!

Worst Place to Take a Dump When You Are the Victim of Intestinal Distress:

1. The Empire State Building

Holy God. We knew it would be busy but at 7:30 on a Sunday night, we didn’t think it would be THAT busy. How wrong we were. Silly, silly tourists.

There aren’t many public bathrooms in the Empire State Building. It seems there are two and no one seems to know how to get to them. By the time we got there, the worst was over from an intestinal distress point of view but there were still a few moments where I wondered if I was about to have a Margaret Cho Persimmons Diet type mishap as we waited in the line up to ascend. Unlike the time I actually heard Margaret Cho’s persimmons diet story and laughed so hard I nearly puked and thought “It’s okay! I have a plastic bag in my knapsack! If I need to puke, I can whip out the bag!", this time, I had no plastic bag. And if I had, what would I have done with it? Quietly crap into it and pretend to the people in line around me that nothing out of the ordinary was happening? I guess we’ll never know.

Fortunately for you, gentle readers, I have to stop for now. Perhaps later, I’ll have time to tell you the story of how I got to explain the gender politics of lesbianism to the very cute latin gentleman who was hitting on me on 5th Avenue. In closing, I would offer this piece of hardy traveller advice: Don’t buy a “chai latte” at a place called Chock Full o’ Nuts, even if you just buy it ‘cause you want change for the adjacent internet cafe. It’s, uh . . . it’s just wrong.

Comments:

1. You got hit on by a latin guy? Damn it. I never get hit on by latin guys. Life is so unfair sometimes!

   Comment by drew — Tuesday, October 18, 2005 @ 12:35 am

2. Now I have to go home and read ‘the big one’…

   Comment by ers — Tuesday, October 18, 2005 @ 1:57 pm

3. i am so jealous…not of the latin guy like drew seems to be but of the whole ny trip in general. I’ve never been but it’s on the “list” of must do’s before I croak.

   Comment by jen — Tuesday, October 18, 2005 @ 6:22 pm

4. Drew - that’s a real shame. We could all use a little Latin in us. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

   Jen, I know what you mean - I always wanted to go, but never got around to actually planning a trip! Just goes to show that if you hem and haw long enough, your partner will get to go to a conference and take you along. Not all life lessons involve proactivity. HA ha! When you get there, I recommend getting yourself some really great walking shoes. It’s all about the walking. Ooo, and the shopping. More on that later.

   Ers, uh . . . do you mean “Big Boy” by Mr. Sedaris? ‘Cause if not, and there’s a story called “The Big One", I need to get in on that.

   Comment by Rose — Thursday, October 20, 2005 @ 3:27 am

Creampuff Gives Thanks

It was Thanksgiving this past weekend here in Canada and I had much to be thankful for. The actual list would take several posts to fully expand upon and so instead, a short list of key items follows:

Things To Be Thankful For

1. Not losing anyone in the tsunami/hurricane/earthquake trifecta. Holy fucking shit. Clearly we are living in the last days. I’m sure we’ve all memorized the Red Cross url by now, but there it is again.

2. Katr. For numerous reasons I can’t even begin to list because then I would spend all day being sappy instead of writing my short piece about how Anne of Green Gables was doing her best friend. The world needs to know!! I know Katr understands - which is one of the reasons that she’s the best ever.

3. Being Canadian. I don’t need to get all smug about it - Canada’s not perfect. But living here - and being a big fat lesbian here - it’s a good time.

4. That Jebr and Deuce cooked an amazing Thanksgiving dinner for us this year and all Katr and I had to do was show up and bring pie. GOD, that turkey was good. And the beans. And the brussel sprouts. And the creamy creamy potatoes. And the pie - THE PIE. I got our Thanksgiving pie from Pie in the Sky, which is an annual fund raiser that helps provide meals to people living with AIDS. To quote their press release: Toronto’s top bakeries, pastry chefs, caterers and celebrity chefs bake a variety of delicious pies (apple and pumpkin this year) that are then sold for $35. By purchasing a pie, you make it possible for Food for Life to provide 10 meals for someone homebound with AIDS. For my Toronto readers, if I didn’t hassle you about this pie deal this year, you’d better believe I’ll be right up your ass about it next year. Good cause - GREAT pie. The amazing thing is that I picked up the pie on Friday afternoon and it remained in our fridge, unmolested, until we brought it over to Deuce’s place on Sunday. I don’t think a pie has ever lasted that long, untouched, in my presence. Although, to be fair, Katr did catch me crooning to the pie on a number of occasions over the weekend. “Not long now, little pie.”

5. Stuffing. Jebr, because she is practical and also because she cooked potatoes in a quart of cream, decided against including stuffing in our resplendent Thanksgiving feast. The stuffing was not missed - on Sunday. But Monday, with the pie gone, Katr and I decided that the leftover turkey needed a cuddly, starchy friend and I was dispatched to the FreshMart to get ingredients for stuffing. Oh my god, that stuffing was good. We decided to hold off eating it until a more appropriate Thanksgiving dinner time (i.e. 4:00 p.m.) and again, our restraint was Herculean. Although I did catch Katr crooning to the stuffing a couple of times before we ate. “Not long now, little stuffing.”

6. Family. I enjoy mine and am missing them. I was chatting recently with one of the organizers of the annual Loud n’ Queer Cabaret in Edmonton, where someone might be performing my “sometimes when I’m really turned on I blush so bad I get a rash” poem later this year, and she said “Too bad you can’t make it yourself. Maybe you can give your comps to your parents?” and I thought “Yeah! My parents would LOVE to see someone perform my lesbian sex poem! Especially if it’s free!” and then I thought “Man. My parents are cool. Even if one of them has forbidden me to discuss their hilarious actions in my blog.”

Comments:

1. I’m thankful that you and Katr have each other.

   Comment by drew — Tuesday, October 11, 2005 @ 4:35 pm

2. Drew, it’s that kind of sweet comment that makes me want to go all sappy and stop writing 19th century lesbian sex scenes!! Sniff. You’re so sweet.

   Comment by Rose — Tuesday, October 11, 2005 @ 4:39 pm

3. Drew, you’re the best! Even if you don’t respond to my sisterly emails …

   Comment by Queen Katicus — Tuesday, October 11, 2005 @ 5:26 pm

4. I’m thankful for Creampuff Revolution. It makes my day! And I’m thankful for you, Roro. Yes, indeed, I am.

   Comment by Padu — Thursday, October 13, 2005 @ 1:53 am

5. Dearest Padu! I give thanks for you too - you have made my day more often than I can say! Clearly, we’ll have to get together next week for our own special Thanksgiving - the kind that involves chicken and trashy reality tv. Although really, no Thanksgiving could ever top the one where we saw Gulag in the afternoon, had Wendy’s turkey burgers for dinner, saw David Cronenberg’s Crash ("Ugh! Not the scar! Don’t fuck the scar!") and then sat up late into the night watching Jane Badler eat a rat in V. Good times, my friend. Good times.

   Comment by roro — Thursday, October 13, 2005 @ 11:32 am

6. Need more sex scenes. Yes. More sex scenes, indeed. Forget the turkey (or, include it tastefully)…

   Comment by newyorkex — Saturday, October 15, 2005 @ 1:18 am

7. Hang in there, NYEx - those scenes are on their way. And they are hot. HOT!!

   Comment by Rose — Saturday, October 15, 2005 @ 5:20 pm

8. We don’t get Thanksgiving over here in the UK: shame.

   Comment by Winter — Saturday, October 15, 2005 @ 6:04 pm

9. That’s more than a shame, Winter -that’s cold, wet and wrong.

   Comment by roro — Monday, October 17, 2005 @ 9:22 pm

10. We were so worried the brining process had rendered the turkey carcass too salty. It’s clear, though, such was not the case. (For those of you how haven’t met the Queen of Creampuffs in person, she is easily the most expressive of eaters–betraying her satisfaction with food she finds satisfing in outward expressions even Schechner would find astounding, it’s completely rewarding to observe!)

    Comment by The one time blogger formerly known as “Deuce” (until he came to his senses & realised he was just being silly…) — Tuesday, October 18, 2005 @ 2:48 am

11. Well perhaps I could try and introduce it over here. I can make pumpkin pie.

    Comment by Winter — Tuesday, October 18, 2005 @ 7:10 pm

12. “my short piece about how Anne of Green Gables was doing her best friend. The world needs to know!!”

    Gasp. I thought I was the only one with Anne/Diana fantasies!!
    The truth will out, my friend. Keep spreading the word!!

    Comment by Andygrrl — Saturday, October 22, 2005 @ 1:14 pm

13. Excuse me while I look “Schechner” up on the information superhighway. Deuce and his fancy references…
    Winter - pumpkin pie is an excellent start. And Andy - we are not alone. I was driven to write the Anne of Green Gables thing because I couldn’t find any Anne/Diana slash fiction online. Clearly we’ll have to write our own!!!

    Comment by Rose — Saturday, October 22, 2005 @ 4:38 pm

Creampuff Class

Katr loves wine. She doesn’t drink it out of a box, though - she is what you would call a connoisseur. She keeps labels. She ages things in a special wine fridge. She uses words like “mouthfeel” and “sediment” without irony. It’s really quite a turn-on. When I tell others about Katr’s avid interest in wine, they’ll say “So, she’s like that guy in Sideways!", and I usually just nod instead of explaining that I didn’t bother to see that film, as it combined two things I don’t care for: wine appreciation and, as Padu described it, the “glorification of the pathetic male". Although I DO like that Sandra Oh.

Before I met Katr, everything I knew about wine I’d learned from reading mocking commentary about The Bachelor’s Andrew Firestone on Television Without Pity. I’d sniff a good orange juice and pronounce it “woody". I’d been known to comment on the “nice legs” of a vintage Diet Pepsi. Initially, Katr’s love of wine was not shared by me and my infantile palate ("Oh my god! When you put the wieners WITH the beans, it’s, like, taste SENSATION!"), but I am beginning to appreciate the subtleties of wine, mainly how it goes good with meat. And sometimes, chocolate cake.

In light of my more adult interest in wine, Katr and I decided to check out an LCBO Wine and Chocolate Tasting last week up at Summerhill. Ray Perchaluk, LCBO Product Consultant and Sue Degrandis from Chocolates by Bernard Callebaut guided us through a little history lesson about chocolate (I had to restrain myself from exclaiming “kah KOW, kah KOW!!” whenever Sue referred to “cacao” tree) and then we tasted some wine and some chocolates. TOGETHER.

Update: Speaking of chocolate, I had included a photo of Bernard Callebaut’s “Thanksgiving Horn” from their site, which has since (since THIS MORNING) disappeared. So, for those of you who checked in early and saw the picture, mazel tov. What I said about it was that they make some INCREDIBLE chocolate but I feel like they need to work a little more on presentation. This “cornucopia of chocolate” thing looks like something your friends send you when you break up with your girlfriend - you know, the old “chocolate dildo full of chocolates” gift. With a little chocolate turkey on the side and some squash that look like boobs. But I digress.

The LCBO gives you handouts at this thing, so that you could take notes on the combinations you liked or the wines you enjoyed (for purchase later on). True to form, I used MY handouts to make ridiculous notes that are of absolutely no use to anyone, including me. Fortunately, Katr took some ACTUAL notes and they’re wonderful - check them out.

Here are mine:

Jackson-Triggs Okanagan Sauvignon Blanc
with a Mint and Milk Chocolate Ganache:
It melds together - like our love.

Ontario Malivoire Gewurztraminer 2004
with a Cinnamon Nutmeg Ginger Ganache:
It makes me cinnamon’s bitch.

Australian Yellow Tail Reserve Shiraz 2003
with Leaf (Milk Chocolate Ganache with Blackcurrant):
Not for Katr, but nice legs. Without the chocolate, it tastes like hot buttered ass.

Luigi Righetti Capitel De Roari 2000 Amarone
with Expresso Truffle with Ganache Filling:
Noses horse fluffies. But chocolate is so good I want to rub it in private areas.

Williams & Humbert Dry Sack Sherry (Spain)
with Celeste Truffle with Plain Dark Ganache:
Heh heh. Dry sack. Mincemeat flavours, nutty, caramel. My mouth is on fire like the California hills - save me, chocolate!

Southbrook Farms Framboise (NV)
with Marionberry Creme Fraiche:
I need a private moment with this one. If this glass wasn’t so narrow, I would lick it out.

So, my note-taking technique needs work. Thank god Katr was there to actually write down things that were useful. Next time we do something like this, I’m going to try harder to take actual notes. But if it’s a wine and cheese tasting, I promise you that at least one of my notes will read “Tastes like feet. With the wine - wet feet. But woody. And nice legs.”

Comments:

1. I wish to attend a chocolate and cheese tasting. Please do what you can to make that happen for me.

   Comment by Melissa — Wednesday, October 5, 2005 @ 3:11 pm

2. Melissa - DVR for me - chocolate and cheese tasting for you. I hope we understand each other.

   Comment by Rose — Wednesday, October 5, 2005 @ 3:14 pm

3. I liked your notes–they were funny! Of course I’m not a wine connoisseur so my opinions probably not worth much on this one.

   Comment by Leo — Wednesday, October 5, 2005 @ 6:00 pm

4. Indeed, young lady, we do.

   Comment by Melissa — Wednesday, October 5, 2005 @ 10:01 pm

5. See I like the Shiraz but then I like that hot buttered ass taste. I agree with you about Sandra Oh. Definitely something about her that trips my trigger.

   Comment by Drew — Thursday, October 6, 2005 @ 1:48 am

6. Drew, I . . . think I just threw up a little.

   Comment by Rose — Thursday, October 6, 2005 @ 2:19 am

7. There’s this one hilarious naked running scene that I found particularly enjoyable in Sideways. I also thought the naked running scene in Old School was funny. I just think naked running is comedy. More importantly, however, Sandra Oh is a magical being. With magical hair. And she looks totally kickass on a motorcycle.

   I’m no good with the “tasting” part of the wine-tasting experience. I like the drinking part of the wine-drinking experience though.

   Comment by Chezza — Thursday, October 6, 2005 @ 3:02 pm

Creampuff Power Steering

As I’ve been crowing to all and sundry of late about my newly acquired G1 driver’s license, a few folks have said incredulously “You mean, you’ve never driven before?” They say it like it’s a completely unfathomable thing, kind of the way I might say to someone “You mean, New England isn’t a STATE?”

The thing is, I HAVE driven before. When I was 17 and got my learner’s, I took the in-class lessons (with Chma, of poinsettia fame) and then the in-car lessons with this guy named Darryl.

Darryl had a mullet. He was also going to open his own driving school for standard cars, called Standard of Excellence, which I thought was outstanding. He had also just bought tickets for his girlfriend to a production of Les Miserables that was coming to Edmonton that year and I really believe that the reason I never learned to drive properly is that my driving instructor spent all of our lessons getting me to explain the extremely complicated plot of Les Miz to him so that he could impress his girlfriend.

I didn’t even bother to take the driving test.

So, anyway - while it’s true that I have not actually been behind the wheel of a car in 13 years, the thing is that I HAVE been driving all this time - WITH MY MIND.

I learned this technique from a close female relative who I’m not allowed to mention any more in my blog, who is often exhausted after a plane trip because she’s been so busy flying the plane from her seat in row 25. Sure, the pilots are TECHNICALLY in charge of take-off, landing and keeping the plane on course, but we all know that but for the power of her mind, it would just be Alive all over again, even if it was just a shorthaul flight to Saskatchewan.

I haven’t gotten to the plane-flying stage yet, but the car is a different story. Before Katr and I hooked up, I didn’t spend a lot of time in cars, because none of my friends have ‘em. But ever since Katr introduced me to her car, Zoe, I’ve been working on my virtual driving. At first, it was subtle - I would brake when jerks cut in front of us, or I would lean imperceptibly to the left (assuming that the car would lean WITH me) when passing big trucks. But the more we drive, in the city or on road trips, the more involved I have become, often to the detriment of my (already poor) navigating skills. I concentrate very hard when we’re merging onto the freeway, I keep tail-gaters at bay through fist-clenching. It takes alot of energy and I can’t afford distractions. Change the radio station? Adjust the A/C? I’m BUSY. And when Katr engages the windshield wipers on what I perceive to be a high-action road, I think to myself “I WISH she wouldn’t DO that when I’m DRIVING.”

Katr is very patient with my virtual driving, to the point where she’ll say “I’m making a U-turn now and I don’t want you to get upset” or she’ll warn me before she uses the wipers. I am learning to let go a little. But part of the reason that I went and got my G1 is that clearly, my body thinks I SHOULD be driving, even if others think I shouldn’t.

My task this week is to find a driving school and I’m looking forward to getting out onto the open road. I’ll be the one leaning imperceptibly to the left.

Comments:

1. Get a PS2 and try out Gran Turismo racing game. You’ll be leaning left and right and all over the road!

   Comment by Chris Nolan.ca — Tuesday, October 4, 2005 @ 2:41 am

2. Good tip, Chris! Katr’s been lusting after a PS2. Sadly, I fear my Gran Turismo technique would not play well with Katr in the so-called “real world". Unless I score her some Valium . . .

   Comment by Rose — Tuesday, October 4, 2005 @ 3:23 am

3. Congratulations on getting your license! I need a ride. It’s across the county line and you can’t look in the back, but I’ll pay for gas. See you at midnight! Hope it stays cloudy!

   Comment by “Moonshine” Mike — Friday, October 7, 2005 @ 2:37 pm

4. It’s a date! Oh - can we bring our dates, Moonshine? My baby has a powerful thirst on her.

   Comment by Rose — Friday, October 7, 2005 @ 3:11 pm