That’s right, folks. After years of REALLY not wanting to learn how to drive, I finally got over it. So adjust your rearview mirrors and keep pets and small children well back from the curb - as of 12:30 p.m. yesterday, it is legal for me to operate a car or small van in the Province of Ontario.
Some conditions apply. For example:
*I am not allowed to drive without an experienced driver (4 years minimum) in the passenger seat. This person may not be drunk, stoned or “resting their eyes".
*I am not allowed to drive between midnight and 5:00 a.m.
*A bunch of other stuff. Whatever.
The Ontario government has privatized their testing services, but you’ll be glad to know that the new testing service, DriveTest, has staffed their centres with the same surly staff you’d expect to find in any real government office. The wait was long, the signage confusing and I really felt for people who didn’t have English as a first language (almost everyone there).
When my number finally came up, I’d been reminiscing about the first time I got a learner’s permit, in Alberta in 1992. I remember them asking my height and weight. That time, I lied about my weight, as everyone does. Like it matters. But now that I am a resplendent creampuff, I have no shame and was looking forward to yelling my approximate weight at the guy behind the plexiglass window. Kind of like how I enjoy discomfiting pharmacists by saying loudly over their counter “I have this rash! GOD it’s itchy! Do you have stuff for my rash?” So you can imagine my surprise when the older male clerk said “How tall are you, dear?” I told him that I’m 5′8″. Then he looked at the screen, looked at me, said “And . . .” and skipped to the next question.
And then the man surreptitiously MADE UP MY WEIGHT. I could see it, right there on his screen.
He was about 100 lbs off. I was flattered. Then I was disturbed by what I assume to be his assumption that I am embarrassed about my weight, ‘cause . . . I’m not. Before I could analyze it any further (or ask him about my rash), it was time to almost fail the vision test, and so I moved on. But I’m still thinking about it.
[A note about drivers license photos: Looking bad in your driver’s license photo is PARTLY the fault of the lighting and the equipment. Sure. But if you show up looking like TEN KINDS OF ASS, your photo will probably come out looking like FIFTEEN kinds of ass. I couldn’t believe some of the people having their pictures taken yesterday. I’m hoping that mine only looks like six kinds of ass - I’m in desperate need of a haircut, but I at least blow dried.]
There’s a whole other room where you take the written test. The wait to take the test was longer than the test itself. I was surprised (and let’s face it, a little smug) to find myself finished before anyone else around me. I handed in my test and sat waiting for the results. I kept running over the questions in my mind. SHOULD you use your parking lights in a heavy fog? What DOES it mean when you stick your arm out of your car and make a circular motion?
Finally, amid the din, I heard my name. I fought my way to the front counter, my heart pounding in my chest. Did I pass? Did I pass?
“You missed these two pages of the test.”
Rats. Blushing furiously, I sat back down and took the rest of the test. 35 minutes later, after witnessing the counter staff’s altercation with a 16 year old kid using his cellphone in the test area ("Sir! No cellphones allowed. Sir? You’ll have to turn off your phone. Sir? There are no . . . SIR!! NO CELLPHONES IN THE TEST AREA!! SIR!! I’m talking to you, sir!"), I heard my name again. I went meekly up to the counter. And they gave me my (temporary) license.
I am 30 years old.
I’m finally ready for the road.
The question is - is the road ready for ME??
P.S. Katr and I would like to stay together. So, ah . . . who wants to teach me to drive?
Comments:
Oh my GOD you have inspired me to tell stories I’d thought I’d forgotten. Check my blog in a day or two for learning-to-drive escapades inspired by the lovely and talented you.
(also - CONGRATULATIONS!!)
Comment by ers — Thursday, September 29, 2005 @ 5:17 pm
Woohoo! I can’t wait! And thanks!
Comment by Rose — Thursday, September 29, 2005 @ 5:41 pm
Congrats! Glad to hear you Canadians are suffering the same fate as poor Americans having to wait at the DMV (the slowest lines ever!).
Comment by Leo — Friday, September 30, 2005 @ 2:08 am
I can totally relate. My parents wouldn’t teach any of us to drive. The honor fell upon my grandfather with whom I was living while attending college. (Imagine driving the new car up the campus and swapping seats with Grandpa so he could drive home.)Here’s a litte grandfatherly advice for you. Slow down while the light is still green because “it might turn red before you get there” and probably will if you start braking 2 blocks away. And never ever forget that “a happy driver is a safe driver and a mad driver is a bad driver.”
Comment by Trisa — Friday, September 30, 2005 @ 2:19 am
Trisa - exceptional tips! I thank you and your grandfather. And Leo, it’s true - Canada is not always the utopia I make it out to be.
Comment by Rose — Friday, September 30, 2005 @ 2:51 am
whoopee! Time for a road trip. Even if your examiner rips the crotch out his pants getting into your car, you may still pass. I did.
But if you drive the wrong way down a one-way street, don’t bother pretending everything is ok - you will fail. I did.
Comment by Lady Marianna — Friday, September 30, 2005 @ 3:38 am
congrats! A tip I’ll pass on to you that my sweetums just learned 2 days ago. If you notice a cop next to you and you realize that you are not wearing a seatbelt which also means you don’t want to bring attention to yourself by flying through the yellow light, then you probably shouldn’t slam on your brakes, screaching to a stop that finally does happen IN THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERSECTION either. I was hiding my face in embarassment on that one. Luckily the cop had a sense of humor too.
Comment by jen — Friday, September 30, 2005 @ 4:00 pm
Do you remember the Chicago Starting Over housemate who had a personal goal to learn how to drive?
Two things - One: YOU’RE MAKING YOUR OWN STARTING OVER EPISODES!
Two: You’ll do a bazillion times better then she.
Comment by Melissa — Tuesday, October 4, 2005 @ 11:18 am
Jen - that’s hilarious. Another excellent tip. Of course, knowing me, I’ll be getting pulled over for wearing too many seatbelts and driving excessively slowly.
Melissa, I TOTALLY remember that broad. Didn’t she a) not learn to drive and b) get kicked out too? I’d check the Starting Over archives, but their new site blows.
Comment by Rose — Tuesday, October 4, 2005 @ 12:26 pm
This cheered me up today. I myself am almost ready to take the roads…think I’ll start next month…maybe.
Comment by Winter — Tuesday, October 4, 2005 @ 4:00 pm
Maybe and maybe? Truthfully, she was so bland that I only remember that she kicked up a stink after the shows aired because she didn’t get the airtime she deserved.
But you’ll do a bazillion times better, lady!
Also, the hell? They’re inviting the couples back for a tune-up later on in the season? The couples stink!
Comment by Melissa — Tuesday, October 4, 2005 @ 7:43 pm
I agree. They bore the frikkin’ pants off me. I was going to watch the show today, but after 30 seconds, I had no pants on and had to find other ways to amuse myself. Stupid couples . . .
Comment by Rose — Tuesday, October 4, 2005 @ 8:33 pm