Creampuff Revolution

Creampuff Heads Out on the Highway

That’s right, folks. After years of REALLY not wanting to learn how to drive, I finally got over it. So adjust your rearview mirrors and keep pets and small children well back from the curb - as of 12:30 p.m. yesterday, it is legal for me to operate a car or small van in the Province of Ontario.

Some conditions apply. For example:

*I am not allowed to drive without an experienced driver (4 years minimum) in the passenger seat. This person may not be drunk, stoned or “resting their eyes".

*I am not allowed to drive between midnight and 5:00 a.m.

*A bunch of other stuff. Whatever.

The Ontario government has privatized their testing services, but you’ll be glad to know that the new testing service, DriveTest, has staffed their centres with the same surly staff you’d expect to find in any real government office. The wait was long, the signage confusing and I really felt for people who didn’t have English as a first language (almost everyone there).

When my number finally came up, I’d been reminiscing about the first time I got a learner’s permit, in Alberta in 1992. I remember them asking my height and weight. That time, I lied about my weight, as everyone does. Like it matters. But now that I am a resplendent creampuff, I have no shame and was looking forward to yelling my approximate weight at the guy behind the plexiglass window. Kind of like how I enjoy discomfiting pharmacists by saying loudly over their counter “I have this rash! GOD it’s itchy! Do you have stuff for my rash?” So you can imagine my surprise when the older male clerk said “How tall are you, dear?” I told him that I’m 5′8″. Then he looked at the screen, looked at me, said “And . . .” and skipped to the next question.

And then the man surreptitiously MADE UP MY WEIGHT. I could see it, right there on his screen.

He was about 100 lbs off. I was flattered. Then I was disturbed by what I assume to be his assumption that I am embarrassed about my weight, ‘cause . . . I’m not. Before I could analyze it any further (or ask him about my rash), it was time to almost fail the vision test, and so I moved on. But I’m still thinking about it.

[A note about drivers license photos: Looking bad in your driver’s license photo is PARTLY the fault of the lighting and the equipment. Sure. But if you show up looking like TEN KINDS OF ASS, your photo will probably come out looking like FIFTEEN kinds of ass. I couldn’t believe some of the people having their pictures taken yesterday. I’m hoping that mine only looks like six kinds of ass - I’m in desperate need of a haircut, but I at least blow dried.]

There’s a whole other room where you take the written test. The wait to take the test was longer than the test itself. I was surprised (and let’s face it, a little smug) to find myself finished before anyone else around me. I handed in my test and sat waiting for the results. I kept running over the questions in my mind. SHOULD you use your parking lights in a heavy fog? What DOES it mean when you stick your arm out of your car and make a circular motion?

Finally, amid the din, I heard my name. I fought my way to the front counter, my heart pounding in my chest. Did I pass? Did I pass?

“You missed these two pages of the test.”

Rats. Blushing furiously, I sat back down and took the rest of the test. 35 minutes later, after witnessing the counter staff’s altercation with a 16 year old kid using his cellphone in the test area ("Sir! No cellphones allowed. Sir? You’ll have to turn off your phone. Sir? There are no . . . SIR!! NO CELLPHONES IN THE TEST AREA!! SIR!! I’m talking to you, sir!"), I heard my name again. I went meekly up to the counter. And they gave me my (temporary) license.

I am 30 years old.

I’m finally ready for the road.

The question is - is the road ready for ME??

P.S. Katr and I would like to stay together. So, ah . . . who wants to teach me to drive?

Comments:

1. Oh my GOD you have inspired me to tell stories I’d thought I’d forgotten. Check my blog in a day or two for learning-to-drive escapades inspired by the lovely and talented you.

   (also - CONGRATULATIONS!!)

   Comment by ers — Thursday, September 29, 2005 @ 5:17 pm

2. Woohoo! I can’t wait! And thanks!

   Comment by Rose — Thursday, September 29, 2005 @ 5:41 pm

3. Congrats! Glad to hear you Canadians are suffering the same fate as poor Americans having to wait at the DMV (the slowest lines ever!).

   Comment by Leo — Friday, September 30, 2005 @ 2:08 am

4. I can totally relate. My parents wouldn’t teach any of us to drive. The honor fell upon my grandfather with whom I was living while attending college. (Imagine driving the new car up the campus and swapping seats with Grandpa so he could drive home.)Here’s a litte grandfatherly advice for you. Slow down while the light is still green because “it might turn red before you get there” and probably will if you start braking 2 blocks away. And never ever forget that “a happy driver is a safe driver and a mad driver is a bad driver.”

   Comment by Trisa — Friday, September 30, 2005 @ 2:19 am

5. Trisa - exceptional tips! I thank you and your grandfather. And Leo, it’s true - Canada is not always the utopia I make it out to be.

   Comment by Rose — Friday, September 30, 2005 @ 2:51 am

6. whoopee! Time for a road trip. Even if your examiner rips the crotch out his pants getting into your car, you may still pass. I did.
   But if you drive the wrong way down a one-way street, don’t bother pretending everything is ok - you will fail. I did.

   Comment by Lady Marianna — Friday, September 30, 2005 @ 3:38 am

7. congrats! A tip I’ll pass on to you that my sweetums just learned 2 days ago. If you notice a cop next to you and you realize that you are not wearing a seatbelt which also means you don’t want to bring attention to yourself by flying through the yellow light, then you probably shouldn’t slam on your brakes, screaching to a stop that finally does happen IN THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERSECTION either. I was hiding my face in embarassment on that one. Luckily the cop had a sense of humor too.

   Comment by jen — Friday, September 30, 2005 @ 4:00 pm

8. Do you remember the Chicago Starting Over housemate who had a personal goal to learn how to drive?

   Two things - One: YOU’RE MAKING YOUR OWN STARTING OVER EPISODES!
   Two: You’ll do a bazillion times better then she.

   Comment by Melissa — Tuesday, October 4, 2005 @ 11:18 am

9. Jen - that’s hilarious. Another excellent tip. Of course, knowing me, I’ll be getting pulled over for wearing too many seatbelts and driving excessively slowly.

   Melissa, I TOTALLY remember that broad. Didn’t she a) not learn to drive and b) get kicked out too? I’d check the Starting Over archives, but their new site blows.

   Comment by Rose — Tuesday, October 4, 2005 @ 12:26 pm

10. This cheered me up today. I myself am almost ready to take the roads…think I’ll start next month…maybe.

    Comment by Winter — Tuesday, October 4, 2005 @ 4:00 pm

11. Maybe and maybe? Truthfully, she was so bland that I only remember that she kicked up a stink after the shows aired because she didn’t get the airtime she deserved.

    But you’ll do a bazillion times better, lady!

    Also, the hell? They’re inviting the couples back for a tune-up later on in the season? The couples stink!

    Comment by Melissa — Tuesday, October 4, 2005 @ 7:43 pm

12. I agree. They bore the frikkin’ pants off me. I was going to watch the show today, but after 30 seconds, I had no pants on and had to find other ways to amuse myself. Stupid couples . . .

    Comment by Rose — Tuesday, October 4, 2005 @ 8:33 pm

Creampuff Payback

I don’t know about when you were 12, but money was pretty tight for me back in 1987. Nevertheless, Christmas was upon us and after years of regifting things from my mother’s “teacher gift” closet, I was determined to buy a nice present for my best friend, Chma. I spent hours and precious dollars in the San Francisco store, picking out just the right set of smelly erasers. I wrapped them proudly and when Chma and her family came over for our annual Christmas dinner, I saw that she too had brought a gift - a very large, yet light-looking gift. Clearly, we were taking our gift giving to the next level.

Chma opened the erasers and was very impressed and appreciative. I couldn’t WAIT to see what kind of next level present awaited me beneath her hand-made, Santa-patterned wrapping.

I opened my gift carefully and as the paper fell away, I discovered that Chma, my best friend, had given me A GIANT POLYESTER POINSETTIA.

Not a potted polyester poinsettia - just one enormous polyester pointsettia flower surrounded by leaves. It wasn’t even a NEW giant polyester poinsettia - it was OFF THE FRONT DOOR OF THEIR HOUSE. This USED FAKE FLOWER was about 2 feet in diameter and Chma thought it was the FUNNIEST THING EVER. She laughed until her face was dangerously red and tears ran down her cheeks. I held the poinsettia mutely as she rolled all over the floor of my bedroom, convulsing, banging her fists on the carpet. I might have shed a tear as well, but not because I was amused.

“I hope you’ve enjoyed this moment,” I said to Chma, when she had stopped laughing long enough to breathe, “because when you get married, this poinsettia will be your wedding gift from me.”

It’s been 18 years.

Chma is getting married on Saturday.

I can’t be there, but guess who WILL be? That’s right - THE GIANT POLYESTER POINSETTIA.

My parents kept it faithfully in my old closet at home - it’s always been there, at the back of my mind. Waiting. Festively. And I wish to god I could be there when she opens that box and sees that goddamn flower.

Because giving me a giant used polyester poinsettia for Christmas in 1987? That was kind of funny.

Making good on an 18 year-old threat involving same giant polyester poinsettia? That’s comedy.

Comments:

1. Let’s all take note. Don’t piss this lady off or else it’ll come back to haunt us :-O

   Comment by Chris Nolan.ca — Monday, September 26, 2005 @ 4:04 pm

2. i hope you have someone standing by witha camera to catch that moment!

   Comment by c’lam — Monday, September 26, 2005 @ 5:14 pm

3. Ah, Chris, it’s true. I can hold a grudge longer than God. And c’lam, it’s always good to get revenge on camera, isn’t it? I’m hoping that the lovely Lady Marianna will have an opportunity to snap a quick shot of the poinsettia and its new (rightful) owners. I also hope that the poinsettia makes an appearance in the happy couple’s Christmas card this year! I’ll keep you all posted.

   Comment by Rose — Monday, September 26, 2005 @ 5:46 pm

4. I love a person with a long memory for payback–it reminds me of myself! I don’t even know the girl and I wish I could see her face when she unwraps it.–Lol

   Comment by Leo — Monday, September 26, 2005 @ 9:22 pm

5. Oh that is classic! If you ever get your hands on the pic, please post for all your loyal readers to enjoy!

   Comment by jen — Tuesday, September 27, 2005 @ 8:36 am

6. Your card to C has arrived. Your readers have made my mission clear. I will do everything within my power to get a pic of this historic/hilarious event.

   Comment by Lady Marianna — Wednesday, September 28, 2005 @ 9:07 pm

7. Thanks for accepting the mission, Lady M! We all look forward to seeing the results.

   Comment by Rose — Wednesday, September 28, 2005 @ 9:31 pm

8. Hello! I was pointed this way at the aforementioned joyous occasion. As a witness to the event, I can confirm that the flower gift was subtle and confusing, and a nice balance between all the pottery and powertools.

   Comment by marni — Monday, October 3, 2005 @ 4:14 am

9. Marni! Thanks for the update! Fantastic.

   Comment by Rose — Monday, October 3, 2005 @ 1:40 pm

Creampuff Karma

I dreamed last night that I had acquired some kittens at my childhood best friend Chma’s house. In order to get these kittens home, I had to tuck each kitten into the hollowed-out toes of my extra-large, kitten-transporting shoes.

You don’t question these things in dreams.

It was dark out and I didn’t want to walk back to my house alone, so Chma and her brother Kyma agreed to walk me home along the icy streets of Edmonton. The thing is, when your shoes are full of kittens, you need to walk carefully and soon Chma and Kyma, who are both super-fit runner types, were way ahead of me. “Guys!” I called out, mincing along in my kitten shoes, “wait for me!”

I then became concerned about the kittens in my shoes and sat down in the middle of the slick sidewalk to check on them. I felt two hands on my back and suddenly, I was being pushed along the sidewalk, as if my ass was on skates. The woman pushing me said “I may be over 65, but I can still get you home!” and sure enough, my house came into view as she huffed and puffed, sliding me faster and faster towards the driveway. “Wow, thanks!” I said to her as she wheezed behind me. I thought to myself proudly “Man - I must have put some pretty great energy into the universe for this kindly older woman to slide me and my kitten shoes home.” I turned around to thank her again (and see who she was) but that’s when I woke myself up making strange snuffling noises.

Sooo . . . yeah.

I understand being at Chma’s house, for she’s been in my thoughts quite a bit lately (more on that later). Clearly, the kitten shoes are an approximation of how the penguins in March of the Penguins carried their eggs and then their newborns on top of their feet and under their guts. And walking slow - well, I do. But the senior citizen pushing me down the icy street at increasingly rapid speeds? THAT’s the mystery.

Anyway - back to the kittens. I was over at Maybe Expectant this morning, where I came across the query “After all, what is a lesbian blog without photos of cats?” Well, indeed. We don’t have cats, mainly because I’m allergic and also because our building doesn’t allow pets (our fish are illegals). But dammitt, my blog will have pictures of cats! Even if they’re just pictures of my kitten shoes.

Comments:

1. Awwwwwww! Sooo cute. Sorry to hear you’re allergic? Can you have dogs?

   Comment by Winter — Saturday, September 24, 2005 @ 6:05 pm | Edit This

2. I know - so sad I’m allergic! I’m also allergic to the outdoors. No cats, no camping - what kind of lesbian AM I?

   I am not allergic to dogs, but again, we’re not allowed pets in the building. Some friends upstairs have clandestine cats but dogs - harder to conceal.

   Comment by Rose — Saturday, September 24, 2005 @ 8:25 pm | Edit This

3. Great pic.! Being allergic must suck. You’d be in trouble at my house we have three dogs, a cat and a guinea pig. Plus we love to camp-but I guess that makes us stereotypical lesbians, huh?!–lol Interesting dream. I read once that to analyse a dream you should think about what the key things in the dream mean to you/represent. So if that’s true-what do older women mean to you?

   Comment by Leo — Sunday, September 25, 2005 @ 6:52 am | Edit This

4. Sounds like quite the menagerie, Leo! You’re right, I wouldn’t last an hour. As for the dream - good question. Clearly I see older women in a helping role - or perhaps a pushing role. Or a PUSHER role! HA ha! Rats. Now I’m craving pot brownies.

   Comment by Rose — Sunday, September 25, 2005 @ 12:22 pm | Edit This

5. Lady, you need Scamps, the Playful Pup from Hasbro’s FurReal Friends line.

   [image]http://images.hasbro.com/common/images/products/74567ec1148_main200.jpg[/image]

   Look! “SCAMPS is so realistic, he can understand what you say and really do tricks!”

   I may know about this because I may be accidentally coveting one for myself. A dog! Without the poo!

   Comment by Melissa — Tuesday, September 27, 2005 @ 10:32 pm | Edit This

6. Ahem. If someone were shopping for Solstice presents, someone might visit http://www.hasbro.com/furreal/pl/page.browse/subbrand.173/dn/default.cfm. There are a number of very cute kittens (especially the Marmalade one). (Thanks, Melissa!!)

   Comment by Queen Katicus — Wednesday, September 28, 2005 @ 9:49 pm

Creampuff Learns a New Word

And that word, my friends, is “frumbly".

Katr invented it this morning, when she came into the kitchen while I was making her lunch and saw my sour little face. “Oooo,” she said sympathetically, “are you frumbly?” And in that moment, I knew that I was. And so, I wrote the following poem. It’s called “Frumbly".

Frumbly

It could be a cross between “fussy” and “rumbly”
It might be a combo of “fucking” and “grumbly”
It’s possible that it means “frazzled” and “bumbly”
Or it might be describing some “feta” that’s “crumbly”
Whatever it is, you’d best back away humbly
For who knows what’ll happen when I’m wicked frumbly.

I am now going to drink some Tahiti Treat and be open to the possibility that my mood will change. Thank you.

Comments:

1. OK .. before anybody gets BENT OUT OF SHAPE (I know how you blog types are) “frumbly” is referenced on http://www.witwords.com/f.cfm so, to be clear, I am not laying claim to *inventing* it, but definitely to importing it to Canada

   Comment by Queen Katicus — Wednesday, September 21, 2005 @ 7:01 pm

2. Oh, baby. You’ll always be the inventor of “frumbly” to me. Thanks for the great link, though! Might have to spend some quality time there this afternoon . . .

   Comment by Rose — Wednesday, September 21, 2005 @ 7:06 pm

3. I send to you both a hiaku

   Made up words are best
   confusion melts and flows off
   Oh nonsense, hot damn

   Comment by Melissa — Thursday, September 22, 2005 @ 1:46 am

4. I was tagged, I was it, now someone else is. I am having a frumbly day, but a productive one.

   Comment by Chezza Pezza — Thursday, September 22, 2005 @ 2:10 am

5. Mmm . . . how I love haiku. It almost shifts the frumbliness. And Chezza - I am sorry you’re having a frumbly day. I look forward to seeing if you too are 3 degrees from Gina Torres.

   Comment by Rose — Thursday, September 22, 2005 @ 2:17 am

6. Frumbly. I dig.

   Yet another t-shirt to add to my growing want list (currently on the list: BTS and the Physical Release, Stifling Atomic Rage, something funny from Sarah I have written down at home, and now ‘go away, i’m frumbly’). GT’s.

   Comment by ers — Thursday, September 22, 2005 @ 2:22 am

7. like the sense of humor and wit…I shall return

   Comment by jen — Thursday, September 22, 2005 @ 4:31 pm

8. Thanks, jen, glad you dig it!

   Comment by Rose — Friday, September 23, 2005 @ 12:05 am

9. That’s not a picture of my baby girl. She’s really cute but where is my baby girl?

   Comment by Lady Marianna — Friday, September 23, 2005 @ 2:48 am

10. Good question, Lady Marianna, good question. I suppose a BETTER question might be “Why haven’t you plastered my baby pictures all over the internet?” Clearly, SOMEONE needs a scanner for Solstice!

    Comment by Rose — Friday, September 23, 2005 @ 6:38 am

11. Frumbly, huh? I like it. I’m frumbly quite often.–lol

    Comment by Leo — Friday, September 23, 2005 @ 8:47 am

12. All frumbliness aside, I completely forgot about the existence of Tahiti Treat. I don’t think I’ve had it since I used to buy it from the pop machine at school in Grade 8………

    Comment by Sarah — Friday, September 23, 2005 @ 11:52 pm

Creampuff Stops Breathing Heavily, Finishes Quiz

Sorry about that little case of quizzus interruptus the other day. I was just . . . real excited. Okay . . . here’s the rest.

3 remaining songs I’ve had in my head the last week or so:

*The Boy Who Wouldn’t Hoe Corn by Alison Krauss and Union Station (Pluck that banjo! Pluck it!);

*How Do You Do, 1935? by Maria Dunn (Pluck that banjo! Pluck it!); and, of course:

*”Lunch time, Lunch time, a drinking box for lunch time!”

5 snacks: celery and carrots for the healthy times; peanut butter, jam or nutella by the spoonful, for those lazy times when I can’t even bother to make a delivery method, such as toast; peanut M&M’s, for when protein is important; pretzels, for when I want to be bloated and dry mouthed and Slurpees. To keep it real.

5 things I’d do with $100 million: Hookers and blow, man! But seriously . . . Mipa and I have a long, involved plan around how, after we paid off debts or school fees for friends, family, pets, etc., we’d start a foundation to take the interest from the remaining millions and donate it to a cluster of women-related charities. We gave it alot of thought, so I guess we’d better start with Step 1 of the plan - buy lotto tickets. Step 2 - hookers and blow!! Yeah!!

5 places I would run away to: Anywhere Gina wanted me to go

5 things I would never wear: Eyeshadow, polyester pyjamas, that t-shirt that says “The Free Fall Iguanas Nose Dived My Pussy", any kind of animal print, heels.

5 favorite TV shows: Well . . . Firefly, clearly. Also, Buffy, Arrested Development, Northern Exposure, and the lost, lamented Eco-Challenge.

5 greatest joys:

* Having the coolest-hottest-smartest-funniest-still-loves-me-even-though-I-thought-New-England-was-a-state-most-understanding-of-my-celebrity-crush girlfriend ever;

* Telling hilarious stories about my parents and/or brother;

* Laughing at my own jokes over and over and over again;

* Getting the payoff after dropping a load of oranges from Seville in Wroclaw while playing EuroRails; and

* Being 3 degrees from Gina Torres.

5 favorite toys: My Insaniquarium virtual fishtanks, my Katr-sponsored technology trifecta (palm pilot, iPod shuffle and cell phone) and Play Doh. Fun AND delicious!!

5 people I’m tagging: Well, Berin tagged my girlfriend, which I think is cheating and I’m too shy to ask any of my fellow bloggers - except perhaps Chezza. Chezza? No pressure!

Comments:

1. I suppose since you have put up with my ongoing rich-fantasy-life, I mean crush on Aragorn (oh, Viggo. sigh …) then I must tolerate the very special place that Ms. Torres seems to hold in your life. But if I see Gina as wallpaper on the computer in the study, there’s gonna be hell to pay!

   Comment by Queen Katicus — Monday, September 19, 2005 @ 7:31 am

2. I’m glad I’m not the only one who sees things like toast/crackers/chips as mere vehicles for a series of delicious toppings. Good stuff, Bose! Maybe now that you’re all finished film-fest craziness we could…like…hang out and watch firefly (I wasn’t kidding about opening night…).

   Comment by E-dawg — Monday, September 19, 2005 @ 7:37 am

3. No Gina Torres wallpaper - check.

   And Berin, I wasn’t kidding about opening night of Firefly either, man! We are TOTALLY going. Isn’t it someone’s birthday the next day too? Perhaps her ticket to Firefly will be FREE! And her popcorn too!

   Comment by Rose — Monday, September 19, 2005 @ 4:18 pm

4. I’ll take you up on the challenge. I’ve been dead silent on the blog front for some weeks now but I’ll get on it later today or tomorrow…mmmm. Nutella.

   Comment by Chezza — Monday, September 19, 2005 @ 9:28 pm

5. Chezza, you’re so brave. And I’ve missed your blogging! Dip into the Nutella and get going! Dip in, I say!

   Comment by Rose — Monday, September 19, 2005 @ 10:09 pm

6. Ok, so you thought New England was a state, and I thought Rebecca composed “Lunch time, lunch time, a drinking box for lunch time!” We’re such philistines.

   Comment by Sarah — Monday, September 19, 2005 @ 11:54 pm

7. Ha ha . . . yeah. It’s kind of horrifying, isn’t it?

   Comment by Rose — Tuesday, September 20, 2005 @ 12:05 am

8. I actually snorted when I read “hookers and blow". Nice to know that other people are decorating their blog with eye candy as well.

   Comment by Drew — Tuesday, September 20, 2005 @ 6:47 am

9. Re: “most-understanding-of-my-celebrity”

   So, you *are* an award winning playwrite…right?

   Comment by The blogger formerly known as “Deuce” (until he came to his senses & realised he was just being silly…) — Friday, September 23, 2005 @ 8:27 am

10. I still think “Deuce” is a fine name, son. A fine name. And Drew - it was your hirsute cowboy eyecandy that inspired me. I thought you should know that.

    Comment by Rose — Friday, September 23, 2005 @ 3:00 pm

Creampuff Gets Tagged

The lovely and cunning Berin of Park(dale) Life has “tagged” me to complete this . . . quiz of some kind. And so, because I will not risk her wrath, I will.

I must say, though, that I find these things really difficult as they tend to stir up a lot of memories - some hilarious and some REALLY REALLY pathetic. Read on - if you dare! Or perhaps that should be: read on - if you CARE. ‘Cause with these “all about me” things . . . sometimes you don’t care. And that’s okay.

10 years ago: Things are going well. I’m entering 3rd year directing at university, the one-man show I did with Padu was Pick of the Fringe and I finally get my single room in residence. MY OWN ROOM, MAN!!! Also . . . pretty sure I like girls. All in all, the future looks bright. Little did I know that I would spend the next 8 months having my self-esteem cunningly eroded by a “teacher” whose name rhymes with “Penis".

Note: I have since recovered from this experience and to commemorate my healing, I now refer to this woman as “Anus".

5 years ago: Things are going well. I’ve just been to Europe for the first time, the (different) one-man show I did with Padu was a hit at the Buncha Young Artists … Festival and I share an apartment with Jesk, who lived next door to me 5 years before when we EACH HAD OUR OWN ROOM IN RES, MAN! YEAH!! Little did we know that Jesk would find a dead rat in the toilet of that apartment.

Note: Also . . . now VERY sure I like girls but have yet to locate perfect mate. Friends and family, however, seem to think that I HAVE located perfect mate: Jesk. Entirely hetero Jesk, whose whole family kept waiting for her to “come out". Poor Jesk, who just wanted to date David Duchovny.

1 year ago: Things are going well. I’ve been shacked up with the lovely and talented Katr for a year in our condo, my lesbian historical fiction reading was a big hit at Write From the Hip and I get to be in charge of buying 6 litres of milk, two big cans of Tim Hortons coffee and several hundred Timbits for the launch of the long and horrific United Way Campaign. But the great thing is that I am quitting my job at the end of the year and this was the LAST UNITED WAY CAMPAIGN EVER, MAN! YEAH!!

Note: It was a year ago and still, the United Way . . . sometimes I wake up screaming.

Yesterday: The subway breaks down, so I walk home in the rain, my old shoes rub my feet raw, I pick up the mail and find out I didn’t get a grant I’d applied for. To add insult to injury, a fellow I know whose work I do not admire DID get the grant. After the briefest of pity parties, I fix myself a tuna melt and remind myself that I am living the dream. And sometimes living the dream means that the guy writing the play about pedophiles gets the money you want.

5 songs I know all the words to: How about 5 songs I’ve had in my head the last few days?

*The Christians and The Pagans by Dar Williams (a one woman shower concert classic);

*The University Song by Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie

Oh my god. I used to kinda know the Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie guys when I lived in Edmonton. I just went to their website and they have this video of Nathan Fillion from Firefly in Wes’ kitchen. So I am only 2 degrees away from Nathan Fillion from Firefly! Oh my GOD. That means I’m only 3 degrees away from Gina Torres!

Okay . . . Berin, I’m gonna finish this thing later. Right now I need to go somewhere private and think about being 3 degrees away from Gina Torres.

Comments:

1. Oh Bose. I lurve you.

   Comment by E-dawg — Sunday, September 18, 2005 @ 1:56 am

2. Berin, I lurve you too. If I hadn’t done your quiz, I might never have found out that I’m only THREE DEGREES AWAY FROM GINA TORRES!!!

   Comment by Rose — Monday, September 19, 2005 @ 6:02 am

3. Hey there lady! Firefly, oh my. I know I’ve told Kate this a bargazillion times, but I really do think we’d get on like a house on fire. Except not on fire, because fire is bad. But trees are pretty?

   I’ve heard that the cast of Serenity (excepting Fillion, so far) have signed on for 2 sequels, if the going is good.

   Also, I don’t know whether to rejoice or curse the fact that I’ve already purchased seasons 1 - 4 of Buffy separately.

   http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000ARSJVU/qid=1127127925/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_3_1/701-1715396-5916328

   The end.

   Comment by Melissa — Monday, September 19, 2005 @ 3:07 pm

4. Everyone but Fillion signed on? What’s up his ass? Doesn’t he know that without him, my 3 degree to Gina Torres game falls APART??

   I agree, Melissa - I have long thought that we would get along in a combustible way! Perhaps if one of us caves and buys ALL 7 SEASONS OF BUFFY IN ONE BOX, that person can have the other over to view the “extras". If it’s okay with Queen Katicus, of course . . .

   Comment by Rose — Monday, September 19, 2005 @ 4:21 pm

5. That sounds like a plan, lady.

   PS: I used to watch Fillion on One Life to Live, where he played Stinky Joey, the Sandwich Boy.

   Comment by Melissa — Monday, September 19, 2005 @ 7:51 pm

6. Melissa - that’s dedication. Mine is a recent fandom - so recent I can barely spell the man’s name. But I know how to spell “Gina” and that’s the important thing.

   Comment by Rose — Monday, September 19, 2005 @ 8:10 pm

Creampuff Stares Openly

Almost a year and a half ago, Katr was quitting her job and urged me to take advantage of her benefits while I could. In the course of doing that, I went to the eye doctor and discovered that the 20/20 vision I’d been boasting of my whole life was, in fact, a thing of the past. I could see up close just fine, but at a distance - I was like a mole person. I was distraught, naturally, but my cute new glasses perked me up. I was shocked to note, when I wore my glasses outside for the first time, that it wasn’t Toronto’s “haziness” that prevented me from reading street signs a block away - it was BLINDNESS.

The thing about my new glasses is that the only glasses I’d ever worn before were sunglasses. With sunglasses, you have a little bit of eye privacy and can thus check out the chicks or just freaks on the street without them necessarily knowing. With regular glasses, though, and this is the key part - people can SEE IF YOU ARE WATCHING THEM. I couldn’t understand why, the first few times I wore my glasses out, people were glaring at me. Then I realized that it was because I was staring openly at them and they didn’t find it charming.

I was thinking about the staring openly issue as I stared openly at people through my glasses in the line up for Perpetual Motion at the Varsity last night. I think the film fest is the only time of year when it’s APPROPRIATE to stare openly because if you don’t, you could miss the minor celebrities! Also, the swag, as Katr noted in Sunday’s TIFF post. Sadly, we didn’t see anyone famous last night (or rather, anyone famous that we recognized) but I’ve been working on a technique to separate the major from the minor players in the film world. It basically consists of me screeching “Are you FAMOUS?” at anyone important-looking who walks by. I’ll let you know how it pans out.

The movie last night, the aforementioned Perpetual Motion, was a film from China about a woman who finds out her husband is having an affair with a friend of hers. She then invites her 3 friends over for the Spring Festival to try and ferret out who’d been getting it on with her man. The women in the film are all well-known, middle-aged Chinese celebrities, artists, business women and political figures. The Canadian equivalent would probably star Heather Reisman, Patricia Rozema, MP Carolyn Parrish and Sonja Smits. The film was quite mesmerizing - great music - and the performances were also great, although I feel they could have shaved about 5 or 6 minutes off the elaborate, lengthy chicken-feet sucking scene. The film was rape-free (a plus) and it yielded one of the few quasi-lesbian scenes at this year’s film festival! A little attempted nuzzling, a little footsie . . . good times.

The director, Ning Ying, was there, so we stayed for the Q&A, which was great, as it helped put the film in context. The characters in the movie talk candidly of sex, politics and their own personal secrets; all very shocking to a Chinese audience, particularly since the actors would be well-known to them in other capacities. For us Westerners, who don’t know these women AND who are inundated with talk of sex, politics and the airing of dirty laundry, the film didn’t have quite the same impact. Although I bet that watching Heather Reisman play footsie with Sonja Smits while Carolyn Parrish sucked elaborately on a chicken foot probably would shock me. I’m shocked just thinking about it. Clearly, there will have to be a remake.

Tonight we’re off to Souvenir of Canada, a documentary based on Douglas Coupland’s book of the same name.
Perhaps I’ll see you in the line-up? I’ll be the one staring openly at you.

Comments:

1. Yyyyyyo.
   I bet you look HOT in glasses.
   I would look hotter in glasses if my glasses were cool, which they are not. I plan to get some new, funkier ones, some time soon.

   Nothing else for now. Got stuck on the subway this a.m. and so must now get down to it if I’m going to get home in time to do any unpacking tonight, which just never seems to happen.

   love,
   Chezza

   Comment by Chezza — Wednesday, September 14, 2005 @ 6:20 pm

2. That staring at people with you new glasses, as opposed to sunglasses, was funny. I personally think the right pair of glasses can make someone look even sexier (and no I’m not prejudice, cause I don’t wear any!-lol) It’s something about making them look more intelligent I think. I find intelligent women sooooo… hot-but I digress-ha.

   Comment by Leo — Thursday, September 15, 2005 @ 11:40 am

3. I agree, Leo, unfortunately, I kinda look like a killer schoolmarm in my glasses - but the glasses themSELVES are cute! And I agree - the “intellectual” look - big turn on.

   Speaking of intellectual, Chezza, clearly we’ll have to start e-mailing and shit again. Didn’t you just start a new job? What’s HAPPENING?

   Comment by Rose — Saturday, September 17, 2005 @ 3:59 am

Creampuff Hits TIFF - HARD

I have a hideous, disgusting cold at the moment but dammit, we had tickets to two screenings at the Toronto International Film Fest yesterday and it only happens once a year. So I got all drugged up and we went and I promise you all that I washed my hands a lot and didn’t cough on anyone. I was really worried about being Patient Zero (like I was for the Norwalk Virus a few years ago, as Jesk can attest) but when we arrived at the first film and the MC told us that the director was sick with the flu and wouldn’t be attending the screening, I felt relieved. Clearly, I am not the only spreader of this plague. Although “flu"? A likely story. Too much blow and hookers, probably. Artists, man . . .

The two (Canadian!) movies Katr and I took in yesterday were:

Eve & the Fire Horse, written and directed by Julia Kwan and 3 Needles, written and directed by Thom Fitzgerald (of The Hanging Garden fame).

I had initially thought that, in the grand tradition of other film fest bloggers, I would write deep and lengthy reviews of the 8 or so films that I’m seeing this year. After 3 Needles, however, I decided that flip comments and personal reflections were more my style. The epic Montreal/Africa/China HIV trifecta 3 Needles, (see description on the film fest site) was beautifully shot, full of gorgeous vistas and had a couple of great performances. I thought Lucy Liu as a pregnant blood runner in China and Stockard Channing as a slightly grizzled Montreal waitress were particularly good. It was also (and this may shock you) “a bit of a downer". I feel it’s also worth mentioning here that my hopes for a rape-free slate of films at TIFF this year was dashed right out of the starting gate. If I’d read the description more closely, I could probably have figured that out but still . . . damn. Ah, well . . . there’s always next year.

The second film we saw yesterday, Julia Kwan’s Eve & the Fire Horse, was really freakin’ charming. Also, fun. Eve’s imaginative attempts to reconcile her Buddhist beliefs with her sister’s newfound Catholic fervour makes for some funny and touching moments.

I particularly enjoyed Eve & the Fire Horse because it reminded me of how I thought our family was Jewish until I was 10. Our house was close to the Jewish Community Centre, so I had all my swimming lessons and day camp there, singing the national anthem in Hebrew, braiding the challah, referring to dumb boys as “goys". It wasn’t ’til the Gideons showed up in 5th grade music class with their tiny New Testaments and cheap suits that things changed. The true extent of my religious confusion was revealed when I brought the New Testament home to my non-religious parents. They had to explain to me that “Chanukah” was not Hebrew for “Christmas", that our people had probably never been in Egypt, and that Jesus, while Jewish, was not just an important Jew, like I’d thought, but the catalyst for a whole other religion which, technically, I didn’t belong to either, having never been baptized.

Of course, like Karena in the movie, I promptly decided to become a Catholic nun. Although, looking back, that choice was probably less about religion and more about lesbianism.

Anyway - tonight we’re seeing Perpetual Motion, a film by Ning Ying, a female director from China, bout shaking up perceptions of women’s roles in Chinese society. I’m keeping my fingers crossed on the “rape-free” thing - I’ll keep y’all posted.

Creampuff Ruminates on Evacuation

The “leaving your home and all worldly possessions” kind of evacuation, not the “dump so big you have to take a nap afterwards” kind. I’ll save THAT discussion for a different post.

My ex-roommate Jesk and I were discussing the notion of evacuation the other day and how, if you’ve made a home somewhere, it would be difficult to take the whole idea of just leaving it seriously. Of course, it would also depend on who was advising you to evacuate in the first place. If former Toronto mayor and complete yahoo Mel Lastman told us all to evacuate, we’d remember that he called the army in to deal with a snow storm and that during the SARS crisis, he referred to the World Health Organization as “WHO? Who is this WHO everyone is talking about?” on CNN. If Mel Lastman told us to evacuate, we’d probably just tell him to “shut it". Having heard New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin on the radio recently, however, I’m pretty sure I would’ve gotten my ass out of town on HIS say so. But then again, maybe not.

Apparently, the people on the Gulf Coast are advised to evacuate due to inclement weather at least once a year and after a while, even if you do have the means to evacuate and somewhere safe to go, you’d probably start to think “Dude - really? How bad can it be?” One New Orleans resident compared it to the “Boy Who Cried Wolf", but it reminds me of the “Jerks Who Used to Pull the Fire Alarm” at my high school. That bell went off at least once a week and never, not ONCE in three years, did anyone make a move to leave the building. Except for that one time when the fire bell started clanging, stopped abruptly, then came back on again, accompanied by the vice principal’s voice over the intercom, saying “HEED THE ALARM". Still thinking it was a drill, our math teacher told us, in his 50’s instructional film voice, to “walk briskly, but don’t run". So we walked briskly outside into -25C weather without our coats on and huddled together as the fire trucks came to put out the fire in our school. They wouldn’t let us back into the school, so we all piled into Chkw’s tiny little car, took our bus pass money and went to Pharoah’s Pizza. And then the next day, when we all had to evacuate due to a chemical spill caused by the fire, we did the same thing all over again. Good times.

Anyway - one of the online personal questions I discussed in a previous post is “Name five things you can’t live without.” So let’s say you have to leave your home with, like, a backpack and after you’ve filled it with necessities like ID, extra underwear, eyeglasses, survival knitting supplies, etc. you have room for five objects of personal signifiance. What would you take with you? A cherished stuffed animal? Granny’s hatpin collection? Sex toys, in case you end up in Texas, where they’re hard to come (heh heh) by?

I think my five things would have to be:

*My laptop, which contains all my early correspondence with Katr, not to mention 14 years of work

*My grandmother’s engagement ring, ‘cause I feel like that’s important

*The journal my parents gave me that covers the year where I finally figured everything out

*The cool spiral necklace Katr got me for Christmas

*A tie: My Eco-Challenge Borneo tapes (because those fuckers will probably never release it on DVD) OR an econo-size jar of Nutella. For when things look bleak, nothing comforts like chocolate hazelnut spread. Or watching someone try to pull a leech out of his urethra. Do you see why it’s a tie?

Comments:

1. Never did I expect to hear the words leech and urethra in the same sentence. I will never be the same. Nor will I swim in anything that isn’t well stocked with chlorine.

   Comment by Tony — Thursday, September 8, 2005 @ 4:54 pm

2. Man, I hear ya. The guy it happened too sounded pretty calm, but I think that’s only because he probably hadn’t slept for several days. GOD, I love the Eco-Challenge!

   Comment by Rose — Thursday, September 8, 2005 @ 5:10 pm

3. Yeah, you know, I’d take that Nutella. Mmm. Nutella.
   Oh, the memories of those fine days in HACHS history…remember how the fire alarm started, was turned off, the usual announcement to teachers to “check the hallways” (presumably for the rapscallion who set it off in the first place) came on, and some kid had to run from the lab that was on fire into the office and say “hey, no, there IS a FIRE!” before they turned it back on? and the pizza, with its choking-hazard mounds of mozza…remember how the second day, when they told us once again that they weren’t kidding and we really needed to evacuate, how we all went to our lockers first to get our coats and some slurpee money? Never let it be said that we were unable to learn from our mistakes. Danke schon for the memories.

   I have a lot to say about New Orleans but I’ve been saying most of it to my lovely parents, who begin or end most conversations with “we’re so glad you don’t live there anymore.” (Me too.) (All my friends who DO still live there evacuated. No word on whether they still have jobs, homes or stuff.) As to why people didn’t leave…well, the poverty rate is 3 times the national average and the percentage of disabled people is considerably higher than the national average, and there are many people who live there without cars who aren’t dirt poor, so figure about 1/3 of the people probably didn’t have the vehicles, or the gas money to leave, and there was no public transportation out of town. Which is dumb. And then, if you’d made it through the hurricane, and then the flooding, and, like, a week later some out-of-town National Guardsman came a-knockin’ saying “um, it’s not safe, time to go” you’d probably be like, “ok, but no, because the hurricane? happened a WHILE ago, man. and the floods? are RECEDING now. Since I made it this far, I think I’ll stick it out.” Unless you were me, in which case you’d look at the big gun and say “ok, sure, whatever.” But I’d be taking that Nutella with me.

   Comment by Chezza — Thursday, September 8, 2005 @ 6:43 pm

4. How crazy is it that there was no public transport out of town? It’s like “Get out - you know, if you can make your own arrangements.” Like your parents, Chezza, I too am glad you don’t live there anymore. But I’m glad that you USED to, ‘cause otherwise I never would have seen it.

   Comment by Rose — Thursday, September 8, 2005 @ 7:02 pm

5. Hi! I like your blog. What would I take? Hmm…interesting question. I’d probably take, family photos (my parents have passed away), this little wood box I’ve had since childhood that contains items I’ve gotten in every place I’ve ever lived-ex. acorn from tree in Germany, grandmothers engagement ring, autographed Brett Farve jersey, my computer (so I can blog-lol). Anyway thanks for the great comment on my site, it’s nice to know someones reading!

   Comment by Leo — Saturday, September 10, 2005 @ 9:46 pm

Creampuff Didn't See THIS Coming Either

You can’t really see that the title of this book is New Orleans is Sinking.

Padu and I visited Chezza in The Big Easy about 4 years back and when the shit went down last week, I tried to find the photos of my trip. Oddly, I couldn’t. But I DID find the spell candles we bought from Marie Laveau’s House of Voodoo, so I lit the one for wellness and sent some healing vibes in the direction of all those poor, poor folks.

If healing vibes seem an insufficient way to send aid or support to the hurricane survivors, Katr’s got some great links, resources and writings on her blog about the aftermath of Katrina. There are some tips on what to do if you want to help and some info on avoiding hurricane relief scams, because some people, ah . . . are jerks with crabs. And should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. And then given more crabs.

As for me - once I’ve chosen a charity to make my donation to, I’m going to set a date with Sahi to begin my survival knitting lessons. If Katr is right and things go all Mad Max down there, I want to be ready.

Comments:

1. Honey Bunny, you have an open invitation for free - free! - knitting lessons. Just say the word….:)

   Comment by Sarah — Friday, September 9, 2005 @ 7:17 pm | Edit This

2. Thanks, man! You’re the best. I’m carding my dandelion fibre wool as we speak.

   Comment by Rose — Friday, September 9, 2005 @ 7:30 pm