It hit me this morning, while I was adding chocolate syrup to my strawberry n’ yogurt smoothie, that I don’t have much time left to train for the next Olympics.
I have fairly high standards when it comes to modern dance ("If I can do it, it’s not dance") and jazz music ("If I can’t snap along to it, it’s not music") but “If I can do it, it shouldn’t be an Olympic sport” just doesn’t cut it. I CAN do many Olympic sports - I ski, skate and swim - I’ve never luged, but come ON - the only difference is that I don’t do these things as well or as quickly as Olympians. Or even small children.
I’ve come to accept that I’m never going to make it to the Olympics in any of the traditional sports but I still feel there is hope. As we all witnessed with the ski ballet of yester year (see “Figure 1″, right), Olympic standards for sport can occasionally be lax. Katr and I feel the time is right to introduce a new component to the Olympic Games: The Creampuff Olympics.
Creampuff Olympic Rules
1. All competitors must be over 200 lbs. 198 lbs soaking wet - doesn’t count. Drink a malted and come back tomorrow.
2. All sports take place in an aqueous environment no deeper than 4 feet. Treading water can can lead to charley horse. There is no equestrian in the Creampuff Olympics.
Creampuff Olympic Events
*Sprinting (extra points for slow-motion faces and humming “Chariots of Fire")
*Cross-country Ski (extra points for superior leg extension and make consistent, delightful “bloop bloop” noises)
*Rubber Ring Retrieval Relay (Team Event)
*Water Ballet
*Synchronized Water Ballet (Team Event)
*Water Guitar (Last year, the Russian team took the gold with their rousing rendition of “Splish Splash, I Was Taking a Bath and then Stalin Shot Me")
*Underwater Emissions
*Cannonball
There so much to DO in preparation for this exciting move. Sponsorships must be sought (I’m thinking Krispy Kreme), outfits need to be designed by the special Creampuff Division of ROOTS Canada. Well, first ROOTS Canada has to start a special Creampuff Division - I bought a ROOTS bathing suit recently, but the thing is such a piece of shit that I’ve worn it MAYBE 6 times and already the lettering on the front has peeled off, going from a proud “ROOTS Canada” and little Canadian flag to “R OTS". Fuckers and their cheap creampuff suits.
We’ll be holding Creampuff Olympic tryouts in our building’s rooftop pool in the next few weeks. Watch this space for more details - and get working on that cannonball! I’m gonna get out there just as soon as I finish this pie.
Comments:
I think you could also try Synchro on Dry Land. I saw this in a show once and it was a very, very special 10 minutes. Two people waving a piece of shimmery blue fabric about 4 feet high across the stage, the synchro swimmers behind create striking poses…
Eliminates the need for any type of holding of the breath or wearing of the unflattering noseplugs and the use of unflavoured gelatin and/or vaseline to slick the hair back. (Although I hear from my dear friend Lebo that the unflavoured gelatin has the delightful side effect of providing a deep protein treatment for the hair, leaving it silky soft.)
I can’t WAIT to see the Cannonball event.
Comment by Chezza — Wednesday, August 10, 2005 @ 6:46 pm
Okay, but can you get ski boots to fit your legs? If anyone can get ski boots to fit their legs, they are not true Creampuff Olympians and must get kicked out. Please forgive me for going off topic here, but I remember a while back you were talking about a Miss Chatelaine magazine? The k.d. lang song is stuck in my head and I was wondering if, besides the magazine, you had any background info on just who the hell Miss Chatelaine is? Thanks for any light you can shed on this subject. Now, unfortunately, I have an appointment with heat stroke and the lawn.
Comment by Kristi Shupp-George — Wednesday, August 10, 2005 @ 8:41 pm
“Underwater Emissions”
Sweet Jesus that’s the funniest thing I’ve read all day.
Comment by ers — Thursday, August 11, 2005 @ 1:56 am
If you’re cross-country skiing in the water, there’s not need for boots! Silly Kristy . . . As for Miss Chatelaine - Chatelaine (chatelaine: n 1: the mistress of a chateau or large country house 2: a chain formerly worn at the waist by women; for carrying a purse or bunch of keys etc.) is a “women’s” magazine here in Canada. k.d. “big dyke” lang was, against all odds, on the cover of Chatelaine and she wrote a song about how strange it was. I think. The song (and video) are meant to be ironic. At least that’s what they told us in Performing Gender class . . . hope the heatstroke didn’t get ya!
Comment by Rose — Thursday, August 11, 2005 @ 2:24 am
On Roots bathing suit: I wore mine in an exceptionally chlorinated pool in Ottawa (Berin can testify) and some of the dye leeched out- but from the lining only. Keep in mind I’d already worn this bathing suit like a 100 times in a chlorinated pool……..anyway, the black die was gone from the lining, leaving it beige……..except it left a DETAILED IMPRINT of my body in black. Showing someone this bathing suit would be like standing before them naked. Jason has named it the “Shroud of Turin.” lol
Comment by Sarah — Thursday, August 11, 2005 @ 10:00 pm
Stop with the underwater emissions and you won’t damage your Roots bathing suits. It’s just logical. They weren’t designed with constant befoulment in mind.
Comment by Special Olympian Mike — Friday, August 12, 2005 @ 7:16 pm