Creampuff Revolution

What the Fuck Has Creampuff Been Doing For the Last Ten Years?

There are a lot of memes going around right now about the fact that the decade is ending and WHAT HAVE YOU ACCOMPLISHED??

Hands down, my favourite response is this one:

there’s ONE MONTH left in the decade. what have you accomplished? more than that month has. that month didn't even begin yet, and it's November. fuck you, December, you worthless piece of shit

— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) November 14, 2019

I find this question very panic-inducing for some reason - what HAVE I been doing?? AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

It's obviously time for a narcissistic clip show. BUT, instead of jerking off to my own blog reading ten years worth of posts, I decided that I would try to remember - without looking at the archives - one random fun thing I posted about for each year. 

2010

I volunteered for the Olympics!

2011

I couldn't remember a single thing from 2011 and I refuse to look it up.

2012

We went to Hawaii! 

2013

I was the oldest nerd at a young adult fantasy fiction book signing.

2014

My play Camp Victoria opened at Lunchbox Theatre!

2015

My play The Good Bride opened at Northern Light Theatre! Also, we got a puppy but I didn't post about that until 2016.

2016

We got a puppy.

2017

Katr saved the house from burning down.

2018

I introduced readers to Beaver Mews, where the ladies go for love.

2019

I shared the one lifehack I've ever come up with on my own. I donate every year...but I've had the same poppy for five.

Anyway, I think focusing on what you've accomplished in a ten year period just leads to comparing your accomplishments with others and comparison is the thief of joy, so fuck that. 

 

Manic Creampuff Monday

We tried to upgrade our internet today and that's not something you should ever do while Mercury is in retrograde or really any time.

After Katr spent a full day troubleshooting, the internet is back and we are down a couple of pot brownies.

I was out running errands this afternoon and thought that, for what I knew would be a very short post today, I would take a photo of a cute restaurant name I'd never seen before on Commercial Drive and then on the way home I remembered another errand, crossed the street, missed the restaurant and then, by the time I remembered, it was raining and I was like "fuck it!"

The name of the restaurant is Ugly Dumpling and that's just adorable. It also looks delicious. Good thing it's closed this week or you would have seen two slightly stoned creampuffs on the news, having eaten all the dumplings and trashed the place looking for more.

Creampuff's 12th Anniversary

As of today, Katr and I have been married for 12 years.

Twelve years, motherfuckers! 

So many people (no one) have asked us how we do it; how we live together, work together, write screenplays together and then sit on the couch holding hands and watching terrible Christmas movies together without straight up killing each other.

Well, folks, it's time to come clean.

We do have a secret.

It is a secret about the bedroom.

And that secret is:

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Separate. Blankets.

The Scandinavians know what's up; every time some dipshit North American on House Hunters International goes into a master bedroom in Finland, there are two separate duvets on the bed. Well, that's how we do it, except our duvet is too hot, so we each have our own sheet and blanket.

No fighting over covers - no one sneaking their cold ass feet onto anyone's leg - no disturbing the whole bed when you get up to go to the ladies' shitter in the night. Magical.

Some couple asked me, concerned, if sleeping under separate sheets led to less "doing it" and all I will say is that if you can't figure out how to slide a hand under your wife's sheet, you've got bigger problems.

Anyway, apparently the traditional 12th wedding anniversary gift is linen, which, as it turns out, couldn't be more perfect for this year's celebration of our ongoing lurve.

Many moons ago, before we met, Katr fell in love with these cotton sheets in marbled colours from a place called Kama Design in Guelph. I also found them delightful and even after we moved to Vancouver, we still ordered our sheets from there. But Kama closed several years ago and we've never found their like again. Slowly, over time, we wore out the fitted sheets and pillowcases and now have only a few flat sheets left from those glory days. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was angrily walking down Broadway in Kits, pissed that the Starbucks on my Google map had become a JJ Bean. As I stomped fatly along the street, I passed by a random store window and stopped dead.

OMFG THERE WERE OUR SHEETS!!!!!

Technically, just that orange pillowcase, but I had a good feeling, as I peered into the closed shop like a psycho. This was it. We'd found them. Or rather, THEY HAD FOUND US.

Once they were open for the day, I went back and discovered that the store, Bed, was actually descended from Kama and that it's the same product. Say a prayer for the poor saleswoman who had to listen to the gripping tale of how I found their store that day and how bad we've missed the sheets, but not too long a prayer, because the sheets aren't free (though the pillowcases were) and I gleefully ordered two sets.

They arrived just in time for our anniversary. And they're very reminiscent of our wedding colours! Because the times have changed but our love of bright colours most definitely has not.

Happy Anniversary, Katr. You are my favourite human and I am extraordinarily lucky to call you mine.

I look forward sliding my hand under these sheets later.

Creampuff's Shar Pei Less Hippo-y Than Usual

Poor Effie sometimes gets the shar pei fever, an autoimmune disease where her hocks swell and she shivers and can't get comfortable and it's terrible. This is the second time she's had it this year, which isn't TOO bad; some shar peis get it a lot more frequently and a lot worse.

We took her to the vet recently, so we knew there wasn't some horrible underlying condition causing the fever. But it is, hilariously, often brought on by stress and, while nothing TOO crazy has been going on here at Casa Creampuff, the time change plus a few sets of dinner guests must have put her over the edge.

Someone's dog is a delicate flower.

Sunday morning, I was walking her and realized, a half hour in to our hour long walk, at the furthest point away from the house, the fever was upon us. Effie slows down to senior speed when she gets sick, so it took us over 45 minutes to get home. She spent the rest of the day pretty zonked out after we gave her some medication and before long, she was on the mend but still very slow for a few days. 

I'd rather she wasn't sick but I won't lie, once she's over the worst, it is very relaxing; she's so chill in the house, doesn't give a rat's ass about other dogs or noises outside, still loves to walk but just real slow. My dream is that this is how she'll be as a senior.

By far the most upsetting thing about the fever, though, is that a few days after she recovers, her beautiful hippo face shrinks and she looks like an idiot.

It took several weeks for her snoot to puff back up after she was sick in April - send fat thoughts to our little pudge!!!

Four-Eyed Creampuff

The first time I got glasses, I didn't think I needed them; I just thought it was gettin' REAL smoggy in Toronto and that's why I had trouble reading street signs a block away, or the number on an oncoming bus. Turns out I needed glasses for distance and once I got them, it was a WHOLE NEW WORLD, From Anna-style.

When it came to picking my glasses, however, I inexplicably chose these red wire frame ones, which were...fine, I guess? 

I wore these "homage to Sally Jessy Raphael" frames for at least seven years before upgrading to my current frames, seen here while I try to show off my cute hair and distract from my receding hairline (a post for another day).

I also have a pair of glasses with "transitions" lenses that make me look like a '70s pedophile, so unfortunately, there are no photos of those (although I do still wear them to walk the dog on sunny days and I do still get 'OMG IS THAT A 1970s PEDOPHILE?' looks from people on the street).

I've worn my current frames since 2011 and a couple of years ago, the last time I went in to get my eyes checked, the optometrist suggested that I might need bifocals. 

"Your current glasses are fine for distance but you might find that you need an adjustment to, say, look at your phone with your glasses," she said.

"Nah," I said, easily reading a text on my phone at the time, "I'm good. Not time for bifocals yet, GRANDMA."

Probably about a year later, I met up with my theatre school pals Gicl and Elca for sushi and when I was looking at the menu, Gicl caught me doing that thing where you hold the menu REAL far away from your face because you fuckin' need bifocals.

"Did you just do THIS??" Gicl said, imitating me with great gusto.

The decline had begun.

Of course, it took me WAAAAY longer than it should to get around to getting new glasses but yesterday, Katr and I went to the eye doctor and I got to try on ALL THE FRAMES.

I only tried on eight pairs and two of them might be the same, so I added in the dog.

I feel like the cutest picture of me does not contain the actual glasses I chose and I considered waiting until I got the glasses for a REVEAL post that only my mom would care about, but we may not get our new glasses until December and I didn't want you to wait until next November to see them, so I will let you know now - I chose the ones on the bottom right.

They are waaaay bigger than my current glasses AND they will contain Progressive lenses so that I can live the ultimate dream; watching TV and scrolling through Twitter AT THE SAME TIME.

As a side note, it was my first time seeing Katr's optometrist and she was lovely. My favourite moment was when she was doing the thing where you're looking at the letters and she's swapping out the lenses to see which are better or worse and at the end, she goes "Good job! You're such a good observer!" and I am 44 but I still glowed with praise. 

Later, I told Katr about it and she burst out laughing. "She said the same thing to me! And it FELT SO GOOD." Anyways, thanks Dr. Chow, for making us feel special. I can't wait for my giant old lady glasses!

 

Creampuff Scoff

Since I shared this post about wanting a decent cardigan on Facebook last week, I've been getting a lot of targeted ads for cardigans, including this one, from LL Bean. I liked the look of it, so I clicked on it, thinking "I didn't know LL Bean had plus sizes!"

Well, THEY DON'T.

Fuck off, LL Bean.

Creampuff Taunted by Chicken Restaurant

Growing up in Alberta, we didn't have Swiss Chalet. So when I moved to Ontario for university and everyone in my dorm flipped their shit over the Festive Special, I was like Ben Wyatt in Parks and Rec not understanding why everyone was so into Li'l Sebastian.  Like, guys...it's chicken. And some not great stuffing. Calm your tits.

Of course, after several more years of living in the land of the Swiss, I had become as indoctrinated as everyone else. Katr, coming from Texas, had also become a Swiss Chalet convert and when we moved to Vancouver, one of the biggest disappointments was being outside the delivery zone for both the Trutch St. AND Lougheed Hwy Swiss Chalets. A Swiss Chalet dead zone, if you will. We had to DRIVE to get Swiss Chalet GAWD TOTAL NIGHTMARE.

So when we bought our place in 2010, people laughed when we said we chose the location because it was within Swiss Chalet's delivery zone and we laughed too, but with our mouths full of chicken.

It's pretty rare that a month will go by without a visit from the dirty bird. Even if the salads are occasionally paltry or the fries aren't always as crispy as you'd like, we remain loyal customers. The delivery folks know to stay back from the door so I can slip out and pay them without the dog flying at their junk. We all have our little rituals around our meals, like how Kate always shakes the salad like maracas while I make a weird poutine out of my chicken, fries and that sweet, sweet Chalet sauce. Plus, this time of year, cranberry sauce!

A few days after Thanksgiving, I opened my Swiss Chalet app to order and ... I couldn't. It said the restaurant was "closed". "Huh," I thought, "Well, I guess the restaurant is closed today."

About a week later, we went to order again and same deal. This time, though, I got worried. The Trutch St. location actually fuckin' closed a couple of years ago - what if our beloved Lougheed location was gone too?? UNTHINKABLE. 

Katr went online and got the goods from other panicky Swiss Chalet fans - the restaurant was closed for renovations but was supposed to open up at the beginning of November.

"Whew," we said to each other, our heart rates returning to normal, "just in time for Festive Special season!"

Well, Festive Special season began and still, the restaurant was closed. Katr finally broke down and tweeted them; apparently now we won't be able to get our mitts on the Festive Special until "mid- to late November". NOOOOOOOOO!!

Even though our local Swiss Chalet is closed, I still get a lot of promotional email from Swiss Chalet, reminding me about the Festive Special. But I was prepared to be chill about missing out on a few weeks of precious Festive Special time because there literally could not be a more first world problem than this. And then today:

Our only local Swiss Chalet has been closed for renovations for OVER A MONTH. Every day without a Festive Special is like a knife to the heart. And today, I get this in my email. In the words of the great @jannarden, @SwissChaletCA - this feels A LITTLE INSENSITIVE. pic.twitter.com/Uy6RhhsDhS

— Rosemary Rowe (@rosemaryrowe) November 13, 2019