Creampuff Revolution

Creampuff Blames It on the Dog

I'm always bragging about our fucking dog. She's so cute! She's so quiet! She's so gentle! She never gets up on the furniture or chews our shoes or eats things off our plates or shits indoors! And the reality is that yes, compared to most dogs, our dog is a dream and I love her. But you know what? Sometimes, Emmy Lou is a giant douche.

Exhibit A: Hitting the Juice

The other day, Katr and I were enjoying a nice brunch in the living room.

Katr: What's that on the floor there?

Me: What?

Katr: That thing...on the floor.

It was THIS:

Emmy Lou had been assiduously chewing on something in the living room the night before. I had assumed it was the toy I'd seen her with earlier in the evening. But it appears that Chubby's charms paled in comparison to the power cord from our Sirius satellite radio boombox. Which, by the way, was plugged in.

I don't know how she made it through the whole cord without being electrocuted. Presumably she pulled the plug out before the mastication commenced in earnest. If not, our dog may have super powers! Regardless, checking her crap for copper wire has been a real treat. And now we can't listen to the radio, you JAG-OFF!

Exhibit B: Rockstar

If Emmy had her way, she would sniff every bush, tree, lamp post, blade of grass and construction worker we pass on our daily hour-long walks. If I had *my* way, we would stop at the beginning for a bathroom break and then confine our sniffing to the dog park we hit on the way home.

My solution is to compromise and pick a few sniff spots along our various routes. Generally, Emmy goes along with my compromise. But the nicer the weather gets, the more she wants to sniff and she thinks the best way to accomplish her olfactory goals is to drag behind me like a fucking rock in the hopes that I will stop and let her sniff EVERYTHING.

I enjoy walking. I don't enjoy walking and dragging a forty pound dog for an hour a day. I also don't enjoy hearing "Hey lady, that dog doesn't want to go with you." and "Aw, poor dog!" and "That poor dog doesn't want to go with that lady." It's not like I'm walking that fast, people - in fact, for most of you, my "brisk walk" is the equivalent of your "sleeping". There's nothing wrong with the dog. She's just being a jerkwad.

Exhibit C: Emissions

It may be difficult for some of us to pinpoint when exactly we became our parents. Not me. I officially became my mother last night at 8:27 p.m., when I interrupted the finale of 24 to ask "WHO is FARTING?"

Three guesses:

Whenever I find myself getting worked up over the minor misdoings of our dog, I like to go to a certain shar pei forum and read about other's people's dog problems. Today, I read about a shar pei named Wiggles whose owner is looking for a muzzle to fit his wrinkly face. Aggression problems? No no. Wiggles needs a muzzle because he keeps eating other dogs' craps when his owner isn't looking and then, once he's back at home, he barfs miscellaneous turds on her bed.

Ah, Emmy. Thank you for not barfing turds on our bed. All is forgiven. For now.

Creampuff Pick-Up Lines

I have many nicknames for the dog - Gym Socks, Dingus, Space Cadet, Clicky McClickington, Douchetastic - but the one I usually use in public is "Cutie". "Cutie" is a good nickname when you have a dog who is occasionally a dingus, because when people walk by and see you wrestling your dog out of a bush while calling her "cutie", they assume that, while your dog might be a dingus, you still love the dog and they don't need to call the S.P.C.A.

So yesterday, Emmy Lou and I were waiting at the intersection behind a young lady. She was, strangely enough, all in white - white cropped quilted jacket with white fur trimmed hood. White jeans. White boots. It was a muddy day and I was quite impressed by the pristine condition of her ensemble.

The light changed and, as usual, I had to yank my fossicking dog away from the lightpost to get her to cross the street. In doing so, I leaned forward and said into the back of the girl's head, "Okay! Let's go, cutie!"

The girl whipped around and gave me a look that would have disintegrated my balls. I realized that she hadn't seen the dog. She thought I was talking to her.

Then I LAUGHED IN HER FACE.

Naturally, I couldn't stop laughing and instead of apologizing, I merely wheezed, choked and sputtered while White Pants speedwalked away from me. I couldn't see her face, but her ass sure looked angry.

Anyway - to the young lady who thought I was hitting on you at the intersection - I'm sorry. I was talking to my dog. Also, get over yourself.

Speaking of romance, my laptop bag loving better half Katr is having a Valentine's Day giveaway on Funchico! She's giving away a luscious red Veronica London Monogram Laptop Tote.

That's right, bitches - a bag with your initials!! To enter, all you have to do is leave a comment on Funchico by Feb 4th, with your favourite romantic couple from history or literature or film or slash fiction or your own sick imagination. I'm not allowed to enter. Katr says for ethical reasons, but I suspect she's afraid I'll lower the tone, so I'm leaving it up to you guys to lower the tone for me. I know I can count on you.

Now, I know it's not a laptop bag full of dildos - although if you're in the market for something like that, Come Together gift baskets can set you up (right, Pugs?). But a red laptop bag can still be a very romantic gift ... particularly for your laptop. Or for me, if it contains a laptop-sized box of chocolates and some yarn.

UPDATE: I wanted to mention Come Together gift baskets because they're an awesome idea (not just for Valentine's), they're made by and for lesbians and the lesbians who make them are lovely! But then I had to update just now when I discovered that Sugarbutch is having a Come Together gift basket giveaway. That's right - enter BOTH giveaways and that laptop bag full of dildos fantasy could actually come true. Make it happen!

Creampuff - Otherwise Known as "Dog Yente"

When Almost Dr. Jacks created personal ads for her cats, I knew I had to get in on that action. I trust you will all do the same with your pets.

User Name: 2wrinkly4U

Smoker? Drinker? I'm Straight Edge.

Favourite song to make romance to: Meet Me at the Roxy by Divine Brown

Likes:

• Long walks on the beach
• Rodentia
• Winged rodentia
• Rubbing my head in carcass
• Terriers
• My unstoppable corn chip odour
• Steve (the cat next door)
• Mark (the cat next door to FattyPrime's parents)
• My fatties
• Weed

Dislikes:

• Things like look and smell like food but aren't actually food
• Precipitation
• Men who dance
• Men
• Puppies
• Paw-touchers
• The RCMP
• Bathing
• Haters

What I'm looking for:

Salmon. Bacon. Unconditional love without any funny business at night.

If you can love me looking like this in the morning:

I think we might have a future together.

Creampuffs Return to the Grind

6:00 a.m. is not the same as 9:00 a.m.

For one thing, it's a lot earlier. For another, I'm not really done sleeping. Thirdly, not only is it too dark to knit, but I no longer seem to have a full 8 hours a day to devote to that pursuit. I KNOW! Shitballs. This "back-to-work" stuff blows.

In other news, we have returned from fair Victoria, where we made out like bandits at Second Christmas! We felt quite spoiled by our books, dvds, extremely pricey face cream, and, of course, Santa's favourite stocking stuffer - the Clinique bonus. Among our gifts, I presented my father with the gift of several weeks of my slow slow knitting, resulting in - handknit socks!

He was kind enough to model them for me. Such a handsome foot!

We had a delightful time in Victoria, gorging on cheese and figs, watching the dog run free in the park and creating a new DC Comic series entitled Batman vs. The Widdler after Emmy Lou decided to take a big whiz in my parents' master suite. She was clearly exhausted after her crime.

We were a little concerned when we heard about all the snow happening in Vancouver and while she listened politely, I got the feeling my mom thought we were just being pussies. There was no snow in Victoria - surely we were exaggerating our piles of snowy troubles for effect (as she knows I am wont to do).

So when we hit some awesome blizzardation on the way home from the ferry last night, I was compelled to film it. It's almost as good as my seal oeuvre - ALMOST.

Happy Creampuff New Year!!

Oh, my lovelies. Love, sloth, bad weather and good eatin' - words cannot express the bliss we have experienced over the last week. It took awhile for us to remember how to not work, but after a day or two of hard slogging, we really found our "do nothing but what pleases" groove.

Emmy Lou has a new reindeer friend. Reindeer looks...nervous.

A delightful view of the snow covered city from our balcony, before it started raining and the combined icy crusted snow and slippery slush began to suck my will to live and ruin every dog walk.

Katr's giant atlas. I don't know why.

Three of my Sundara Yarn Seasons Collection booty from Katr (the fourth has already been commandeered for sockal purposes) - I made out like a bandit! A yarn bandit. A yarn bandit who wound 2200 yds of yarn into balls while watching 6 hours of Pride & Prejudice. A very tired yarn bandit. P.S. I just joined Ravelry as "Creampuff" - perhaps I'll see some of you there?

Dog - tree - fire roaring on the t.v. Aaaah yes. Perfection.

I hope you all had an equally felicitous holiday week of joy and fruitcake!

We were meant to cap our week of sloth with a visit from Katr's brother Drtr - sadly, a tree fell on his car during a windstorm in PA a couple of days ago (he was not inside the car at the time) and he couldn't make it up to Toronto in time to make his flight. Our hearts were as crushed as his hatchback - but we hope he can come do our every bidding for a visit sometime soon! Meantime, we are heading over to Victoria for second Christmas tomorrow, where the dog can finally run free and my family has promised to cheer Katr with impressions of her brother.

Happiest of New Years to you all! It's been a delightful break from the computer, but I must say I'm deeply looking forward to catching up on all of your 3-day eggnog bender antics! Huzzah 2009!

Creampuff Banned From Charleson Park

Remember the time last year I took the dog to Charleson Park in the rain and I fell on my ass twice and got mud in private areas?

This time I kind of belly-flopped on my front and then nearly lost my shoes in the squelch.

Fortunately, my cellphone was unaffected.

When Katr came to pick me up, she informed me that I am no longer allowed to go to this park during the wet season.

I have to say, I took my faceplant with great good humour, despite the fact that my shoes are ruined. Once again, there were several witnesses to my slapstick tumble, yet no word of concern. I felt the irony of this keenly a little later, when I came across a woman crying near the duck pond while her dog frolicked. I asked her if she was okay and she kind of looked at my muddy front and waved me off, as if to say: "I don't want to talk to anyone who sharts at the park. But thanks."

One does what one can.

Creampuff Blames the Dog

I knew my runners needed replacing. But no shoe should die like these did. On a cold hill, on a warm day, while my feet were in them.

Creampuff's Pooch Concerned

If you've seen my masterful YouTube video of Emmy Lou failing her obedience test by ignoring me, you'll know that it's sometimes difficult to get our dog's attention.

The exception to this rule is if one of us sneezes.

Within seconds of the sneeze, Emmy Lou will present herself to whichever one of us has NOT sneezed, wag her tail frantically and look at us with great concern in her big brown eyes as if to say "Are YOU okay? That one exploded!"

The best part is when Katr's away on business, as she was yesterday, and I sneeze. The poor dog didn't know what to do with herself. She clearly couldn't come over to me - what if it happened again? But she was also very concerned that Katr was not there for her to check on. She trotted over to Katr's chair - nothing. She ran into the bedroom - empty. She sniffed the bathrooms - no sign of Katr.

She finally came back into the dining room and plunked herself down a safe distance away from me. "What's up, pup?" I asked, when the intensity of her glare began to disrupt my work. She just tossed her ears and gave me a look that said "Are ya happy now, fatty? You've eradicated the other one with your weird shrieking noise. I hope you're prepared to be a single parent."

Then she stalked back to bed and cracked one off.

So Katr, if you're reading this, the smell when you get home IS THE DOG.

Creampuff Captures Special Moment

Katr did some chicken on the grill the other night. When she stepped away from the bbqfor a few minutes, Emmy Lou was there to keep an eye on things.

I call this shot "Devotion":

Creampuff's Dog Exhausted After Voting

Emmy says:

"It's hard work being part of the democratic process. Naturally, I voted for the underdog. Then I rubbed my butt on the ground to entertain the Elections Canada volunteers. Make sure you get out and vote today - 'cause if you don't, I'll KNOW. And then you'll get THE TONGUE."