Creampuff Revolution

Creampuff’s Third Anniversary Tail

Today is Katr and my third gay wedding-aversary. Happy Anniversary, Katr!!

To be honest with you, I’m not really sure what I did to deserve someone as great as Katr but I think it’s best not to pull at that thread, especially in front of her. There’s always a chance she might think “You know…maybe I’d be better off with someone who DOESN’T watch Hoarders to feel good about herself or shout “Release the Kraken!” when she’s in the ladies’ shitter.” Shhhh…never think that, Katr. Shhhhh.

I have a very long list of reasons why I love Katr more and more with each passing day and don’t really know where to start - Her cleverness? Her wit? Her rack? Her infinite patience? How she claims to still love me even when I ruin La-Z-Boy Night by bringing home some random puppy who craps on our bedroom floor (more on that in a future post)? I could write a book.

But for some reason this year, I was so embroiled in planning for Katr’s birthday month (or, as I call it, Katevember) that I TOTALLY did not get Katr anything for our anniversary. FIRED.

When I confessed this to her a few days ago, she told me that it was okay, because she’d gotten me a big surprise gift for Christmas (she’d been hinting at it for ages) and it was arriving in time for our anniversary – and since the gift was really going to be enjoyed by BOTH of us, maybe it should be our anniversary present! So naturally, I was all over that idea, like a me all over Katr’s rack.

When the box arrived yesterday, Katr left it up to me to decide when to open it and I said we should save it for our actual anniversary and then she said “Really?” in the voice of a woman who’s been keeping a really big secret for several months and CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE and then we opened the box together.

This is what was inside.

Yes. That’s right. It’s a giant painting of a close up of our dog’s face. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Waaay back in the summer, we watched a show on Animal Planet called Cats 101 and they featured Cassie Graus, who paints giant close-ups of smoosh-faced cats (among other things). And Katr secretly contacted her and commissioned a giant close-up painting of our smoosh-faced dog.

I’m not going to lie to you. I was totally beside myself when I saw this. I mean, she got every detail – the plump wrinkles, the scar under one eye, the slightly suspicious look that says “Where’s my treat, fattie?” This photograph does not BEGIN to capture the majesty of this painting. I laughed. I wept. It was better than smoosh-faced cats.

And now we are those lesbians who have a portrait of their pet in the living room. JEALOUS?

Oh, Katr…how I love you. Thank you for the most awesome – in every sense – gift ever. I’m referring to you giving me your heart but the painting is a close second, baby.

Creampuff Anniversary Two – Electric Boogaloo

It’s our second wedding anniversary today! Wooooooooo!

That’s right – two years ago today, me, Katr and the world’s coolest wedding cake all got gay married in Toronto.

I’d mush out on you right here and wax on about how Katr completes me, but the great thing about having a blog is that if you posted your wedding vows somewhere else online, you can just link to them! Hurray love! I still mean every word I said that night, Katr.

Since the traditional first wedding anniversary gift is paper, I assumed that the traditional second anniversary gift was plastic but apparently it’s cotton.

My first thought was that I could present Katr with a pair of my own cotton underwear - (The Beav prefers natural fibres) - but I wasn’t sure how that would be different than any other day.

So instead, I got Katr a set of mascot pins from the 2008 Olympics in Beijing! Romance!

See, one of the awesome things about being gay married – besides the playful bickering in public and how love means never having to wear pants again - is that you get to support each others’ weird obsessions. For example, my blushing bride Katr is, at the moment, obsessed with Olympic pins. I tell you guys, Olympic Fever – she haz it.

We actually went to the Olympic Superstore at the Bay this weekend to pick up a pin that she won and to do some other sundry Olympic shopping. I don’t want to reveal the extent of our purchases, but let’s just say our dog is now sleeping on a fleece mascot named MukMuk.

I know better than to mock Katr’s latest craze – it makes her extremely easy to buy for this holiday season and Sweet Lavendar Lord, she’s certainly had to deal with her fair share of crazy from me.

For instance, Katr not only fuels my yarn addiction but for this, our second wedding anniversary, she also supported my obsession with Victoriana by giving me this gorgeous necklace from CatherinetteRings on Etsy! Isn’t it pretty?

I LOVE IT.

This piece seems more suited to a fancy night out but it’s also pretty great to have something nice to wear to the Olympic store. Win!

Happy Anniversary Katr! I love you more and more every day. And so does MukMuk.

Beijing pin image from the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Online Store – don’t sue me, Olympic Store! You already have most of my money already.

Creampuff Remembers Her First Anniversary!

Dear Katr,

Today is our first wedding anniversary! And I remembered! I'm NOT the man! Ha HA!!

I just want to say, in front of all my blog readers and stuff, that I would marry you all over again. And I kinda wish I could, because we had so many wonderful friends and family who helped make our big gay wedding so exceptional and it would be so amazing to be able to go back and experience the whole thing again, but this time with more sleep and with Elvira Kurt dead.

I love you. And every day of our life together, you make me feel as fantastic as this cake looks:

Happy 1st Anniversary, Katr!!

All my love,

Roro

Sniff.

I lost my engagement ring.

It's been missing for a few months now, but I kept holding out hope that it would turn up. That elves would replace it on my nightstand. That the drawers, coat pockets, endless laptop bags, purses, cosmetics bags, bundles of loose socks, jars of peanut butter that I have searched over and over again, would suddenly return its garnet-y glory to me. That I would be bathed in the fire-like glow of its stones and my heart would be warm once more!

I really can't tell you what happened to my ring. I hadn't been wearing it very often because it had been giving me a rash (I KNOW! What?? It's true.) I FEEL like I stashed it somewhere "clever" but clearly I was too clever even for myself. It's also very possible that I didn't stash it and someone made off with it. Once I saw that it was missing, I took my time looking for it because I didn't REALLY want to admit that it was gone. But after tussling with the dust bunnies under the bed while wearing my headlamp earlier this week and finding no trace, I was forced to concede defeat.

You know...it's a ring. No one's going to die. Far worse things have happened to far better people. But still, I am sad and deeply annoyed with myself for treating it in so cavalier a manner. Because I really really loved that ring. On the other hand - it WAS giving me a rash. And not a love rash.

I was torn about telling Katr about losing my engagement ring. Not because I thought she'd be mad but because I felt like a dingus for losing it. But for a yap-tastic lass like me, the news was difficult to hold in and it wasn't long before I tearfully spilled. And, instead of making me feel like the dingus I am, she had the phone in her hand, ready to call our ring designer to get me a new one immediately. Why? Because of the love. Sniff. Because she's the greatest and stuff.

I am one lucky doofus.

In the spirit of celebrating lucky doofusness - Katr and I did an interview a few weeks back with the lovely Robert Allen and Holli Ehrlich of the Wedding Podcast Network for their Newlywedcast. They are the cutest and it was lots of fun to talk about our lurve and the iPod proposal and planning our nuptials and our talented friends (yeah, I left out the part of how I LOST MY ENGAGEMENT RING).

Let me tell you - no one loves talking about their wedding like people whose wedding is OVER. So if you want to hear us going on and on about how great our wedding was (and why wouldn't you? We're so delightful!), check out our chat with Holli and Robert on Newlywedcast.

And if you have any suggestions for my new ring, let me know. I'm thinking maybe this time I'll go with something like this:

Because clearly, I can't be trusted with nice things.

Happy Creampuff Holidays!!

Happy Holidays!! I hope you all had and/or are still having a wild and woolly holiday season!

After all the fun and excitement of our big gay wedding, we opted to take it pretty easy this year by cuddling up in our apartment with our turkey and our dog and basically doing fuck all. We had a magnificent Christmas Eve dinner and a delightful, languorous, unexpectedly snowy Christmas Day. I have to say that we both missed the pleasure of being with our families, but not the stress of entertaining or being entertained or having to explain what happened to all the eggnog or why I smelled of eggnog or what I was going out to buy more of at the store or why I was having chest pains. Also, I'm sure Katr was okay skipping my family's yearly "Decoy Wrapping and Gift Tag Clues Six Hour Present Opening Extravaganza" (the more fool her, I say!).

Lest you think we're becoming agoraphobic hermits here in Vancouver, we did attend a seasonal social event on the 23rd, when we ventured all the way ACROSS THE HALL to our lovely neighbours' open house. It was very festive and there were plenty of other homos there and some shrimp!  We enjoyed ourselves, but left fairly early after being cornered and barked at endlessly by a well-meaning, close-talking, very deaf older gentleman. Later on, when I took the dog out, I heard "Welcome to the Jungle" being blasted and a lot of whooping noises. Maybe our neighbours are swingers.

The "keep it simple" theme extended to gifts this year - while we both enjoyed the Amazonian bounty of family and friends, we each only got each other one thing.  Because I like to rub baked goods all over me, Katr got me a wide selection of delicious shower gels and lip glosses from philosophy. Mmmm.

I have been huffing them all for days. DAYS.  Fortunately, Katr hasn't noticed my new addiction, because I got her a Nabaztag.

I don't know what kind of dirty things she's getting up to with that Wi-Fi enabled rabbit. Sometimes, I hear it whimpering.

Emmy got a new treat as well. She discovered turkey.

Their love affair is ardent and touching.

She also got a couple of actual gifts - as Jeba's hilarious Christmas card predicted:

they did indeed squeak. Her new toy Dino has afforded us hours of enjoyment. HOURS.

 

As I sit here, contemplating my next turkey sandwich, it occurs to me that there are just a few days of December left - did you know? So little time to decide on my resolutions for the new year! Will 2008 be the year I finally get my driver's license? Or should I focus all my energy on my luge training for the 2010 Olympics? History will decide.

Ooo - for all those who are avidly interested, we've (Katr has) put together a post-wedding wrap-up blog over at www.kateandrose.com! If you were there, go relive the fun! And if you weren't, you can check out the ceremony and vows (nothing too cringe-worthy, I promise) and lots of other stuff. We're still working on it (particularly the thank-you page!) but we needed somewhere to put all of our tips and advice for the gay brides of the future. Because we're never doing that again.

No Molestar the Creampuffs

Oh the weather outside is frightful

But our honeymoon photos are delightful

And since we've no place to go, because I already walked the dog to a fabled dog park far away in the driving rain and ended up muddied from ankle to thigh

Let's make with the posting already

The morning after our big gay wedding, Katr and I left our patient and wonderful friends to look after the last few post-wedding errands in Toronto while we took off for our big gay two-week honeymoon at the Excellence Riviera Cancun. We'd had about two hours sleep and Katr still had a head full of bobby pins from her princess hair-do the night before. We barely made it through security. But soon we were winging our way to paradise! Sweet, boozy paradise.

We were worried that, because we're homos, we'd have to fight to get all the honeymoon perks the resort promises newlyweds, but we were thrilled to find the honeymoon banner on our door and the champagne chilling and the lurve swans on the bed when we arrived. Because nothing says hot, sweaty love like swans made of towels. Jealous?

For the first few days, we barely left the room and kept the "No Molestar" sign on the day to discourage housekeeping from molestaring us. I'm sure, between the honeymoon banner and the constant "No Molestar" sign, everyone thought we were doing dirty things in there. They were right - we were doing the hottest thing you can do on your honeymoon. SLEEPING. FOR REAL. We were so effing tired it took us two days to even notice the view from our swim-out suite:

This is the pool our suite was on. We were sad at first that "our" pool did not boast a swim-up bar. That's before we ventured into the strangely murky pool which did have the swim-up bar, where frat boys would do 15 shots of tequila and then hunker down in a corner with their creepily billowing trunks to whiz in the pool. We did not return to the swim-up bar.

The beach - salty!

On our day trip to Xel-ha, you could molestar the dolphins for $150 USD. We snorkeled instead.

At Xel-ha, you can molestar the lizards for free.

"Where's the ladies shitter?" "I don't think they call it that in Mexico. Look for shitter mujeres."

On the same day trip, we went to the magnificant Mayan ruins at Tulum. I refused to follow our tour group because I'm a rebel! Plus I knew they wouldn't let me re-enact key scenes from Apocalypto with so many tourists around.

Katr scored by finding the part of the ruins where the Mayans sat down.

I got in the way of my own pictures. Why does it look like someone threw a glass of milk on my face? Biodegradable sunscreen. Am I turning you on?

How about now?

Almost every night at the resort, they had some kind of entertainment. It was usually nubile young Mexicans dancing in skimpy outfits. No complaints here. Except this part, where I complain about these outfits. What are these guys wearing? I had to order an extra pina colada just to deal with those ruffles. Plus all that junk in my face.

Our instructor, Jesus, was unwilling to be photographed before the tequila tasting.

Katr was a willing student. Donde esta la tequila, Katr?

One afternoon we came back to our room to find these same sex swans by our jacuzzi tub! Perhaps someone on the staff figured out that we weren't just fat sisters who liked to grab-ass in the pool? We left an extra big tip for housekeeping the next day.

Nice hat, Mayan.

I couldn't take any good shots at night. Because I'm an incompetent photographer? Yes. But also because I was drunk.

Man, registering for a honeymoon was the smartest thing we ever did. Our blissful two weeks in Cancun was the best wedding gift we could ever have received. Thank you so much to all of you who contributed!! We were a little sad to come home, but then again, we knew we were coming home to this:

And nothing softens the blow of a honeymoon ending like a cute pooch sacked out on top of a duck who's clearly saying "Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the poliiiiiiiice".

Creampuffs Tie the Knot

"I feel like Erin [our photographer] didn't have the right filter on the camera," I said to Katr yesterday as we browsed through our newly-arrived wedding albums over a glass of eggnog.

"The filter where we each only have one chin and weigh 100 pounds less?" replied Katr.

"That's right. The filter where I don't look like a plump fuschia sausage."

Ah well. We may have LOOKED like a couple of well-dressed sumo wrestlers with fantastic hair, but we FELT like queens. Queens!! We had amazing family and friends come from near and far to perform, participate in and celebrate our Gay Wedding Cabaret and Topiary Festival and we are still awed by the love! And by the outfits. And by how extremely good-looking all our friends and family are.

For all you hard core gay wedding fans out there, Katr will be posting our vows, the ceremony, the program, the vendors, and, most importantly, the thank-yous, on her gay wedding blog (we're still updating - check back for a link!) Photographistas Lex, Melle and Sherry have already posted their photos and we'll be adding ours soon on Flickr. If you have some to share, be sure to tag them with "topiaryfest07" on Flickr so that we can find them.

I now present a random selection of photos from the big day.

The venue - cabaret ready!

"Fucking awesome cake, man." "Thanks, Dad."

The wedding party ("A lady reveals nothing!" "Yeah . . . we're not ladies." )

Creampuff brides (I'm the plump fuschia sausage on the left)

Katr's fabulous hair!

My fabulous parents!

Lesbians! (for some reason, 85% of the lesbians in attendance at our wedding are in this photo. FYI - Misu, the lovely young lady in the pink strapless number is gorgeous, yes, but I believe she is straight. So hands off, you queers!) 

Finger guns!

 

You can't see my hands here, but you can tell by my face that I'm totally doing finger guns.

Opening number

Our first dance (an audience participation line dance to Barrett's Privateers choreographed by Sam Booker)

An excellent example of appropriate gay wedding attire 

Ditto

Dancing!

Drinking!

Dirty dancing!

Taking it all in

Ass!

Okay - that's about all my little blogging software can handle. Next - more ass! Or maybe the honeymoon!

Creampuff Doesn't Even Know Where to Start

We're back! So much blah blah to share! And pictures! Thank you all for your well-wishes and other hilarious comments!!

When I'm so behind on the blogging, I never know where to start, but since a few of you have specifically asked how the whole CBC Canada Writes national radio gameshow thing played out, perhaps I should just begin there.

The short answer is "it ended in humiliation and defeat!! HA ha!!". But here is what I remember:

• I show up at the CBC building on the morning of my wedding day, fresh as a daisy after three hours sleep. When I ask the security guard where to go, he tells me that I'm late and that they've already started and I need to run! Run! I doubt him but wander down the hall anyway. On my way back to tell him he's an idiot, I meet fellow finalist and blogger Ben Boudreau from Halifax. We mock the security guard amongst ourselves, but quietly, in case he's armed.
  
• The other finalists, Amy Neufeld (Edmonton), Jenny Ryan (Saskatoon) and Derek Krismanich (Kitchener) arrive. The lovely producers have promised brioche for breakfast and we are all excited. Because we are hicks.
  
• We go upstairs, get a quick tour and then grab some breakfast in a conference room. All the other finalists are sweet, smart, funny people and I like them all immensely. Goddamn it.
  
• One by one we meet the host and the judges as we chow down. They are all very friendly. So friendly that it almost makes up for the fact that THERE WAS NO EFFING BRIOCHE.
  
• I get lost going to the bathroom.
  
• We all pile into the studio for the taping of the "first day". It's cozy. But at the end of this round, two of us will be voted off the Canada Writes Island, leaving more room for the victors! This is good, because with all 5 finalists in there, there was barely room for my ass. I still have the marks.
  
• The taping begins. Contestant Jenny Ryan describes us, her fellow finalists, as "very good looking" (it's true - stunning, all of us).
  
• I make a crack to host Jian Gomeshi about how Katr said she might not marry me if I didn't come back bearing the coveted Canada Writes "Golden Mouse" award.
  
• Judge Elvira Kurt cracks wise that perhaps, if I am dumped by Katr, Jenny "all the other finalists are very good-looking" Ryan might sleep with me.
  
• I'm the first finalist up to read my "Canadian classic" movie pitch. The reading part goes okay. And then the judging begins.
  
• I hear my fellow finalists quietly vomiting behind me as the previously jovial judges tear into my light Victorian lesbian romp the way I tear into an eggnog cheesecake - viciously. Judge Terry O'Reilly makes good points about what my pitch is lacking. Judge Dionne Taylor might have said something, but all I remember is her scrunched up "me-no-likee" face. Judge Elvira Kurt says (among other things) that it's just a mess of cliches and she's surprised it took me a whole hour to write it. Through the sleep deprivation and general nausea, a single thought flickers into my foggy, foggy mind as my Canada Writes journey comes crashing to halt. The thought is "Heeeeey! I might make my hair appointment after all!"
  
• I sit back down. I survey the bloodless faces of my suddenly terrified fellow finalists. Jenny Ryan holds up her notepad, on which she has written "I'll still sleep with you." Then Derek Krismanich holds up his notepad. It says "Me too."
  
• One by one, the rest of the finalists present their movie pitches, with varying degrees of approval from the Dragon's Den. It's pretty clear overall, though, which two of us are not going to make the cut. Hint: one of them is ME.
  
• Ben Boudreau and I each have 10 seconds to convey our final thoughts once we are voted off. I hope that one of us throws a diva fit, drops the F-bomb and stomps out. Sadly, we are both too Canadian.
  
• I say something both polite and very true about what a great experience the whole thing had been and how fantastic the other finalists are. Elvira Kurt cracks "Oh, she's not bitter at ALL." I laugh and think "Oh, Elvira Kurt. How I used to giggle at your childhood tales of sleeping in your bathing suit. And now - now, you are dead to me."
  
• The remaining finalists get their next challenge (an hour to write a 200-word humour piece about their childhood) and we all leave the studio. There are hugs and goodbyes and best wishes and everyone is lovely. Still a little shell-shocked, Ben and I wander out to the hallway, where the videographer tapes an exit interview with us. I haven't watched it yet, but remember thinking that we were HILARIOUS. Then we both take a whiz and leave.
  
• I whip out my cellphone and call Katr. "I got voted off first!!" I holler into my phone. "Will you still marry me if I don't  bring the prize laptop to our marriage as my dowry?" Lucky for me, the answer is a resounding "yes" and not just because we've paid a huge catering deposit. I hop in a cab to meet up with my love and her friend Tagu. And then . . . I get my hair done for my wedding. Jealous? HA ha!

[okay, so it looks a little scruffy in this picture - but the flowers! So cute!]

So thank you, CBC, for providing me with some additional fun and frolic on the morning of my nuptials. It really was a blast. And as for the parts that weren't a blast - well, let's just say I drank to forget.

Up next - the wedding! Followed by the honeymoon! Pictures of stuff! And this thing I wrote before the whole wedding happened about how our stupid bathroom at the Holiday Inn destroyed my innocence forever!

While you're waiting for the next installment, do head over to DropDeadHappy for Edition 2.6 of the International Carnival of Pozivities. Read - learn - get involved in the fight against HIV/AIDS - and be sure to leave comments for the contributors!!

Creampuff to Cancun!

I got married!

It's pretty hilarious that I thought I'd have all kinds of time to blog in the week leading up to the wedding. HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! Holy shit!

Thanks to all of you fabulous people who came out to perform and drink and dance and celebrate with us! It was a pretty effing fantastic and there will be pictures later.

We're off on our honeymoon right now, where the water is warm, the drinks are plentiful and the other honeymooners wonder why those two fat sisters are making out. See you in two weeks!!!

Creampuff's Hope Chest Complete

Know what I don't get a lot of in the mail? If you said "Gina Torres' underwear", guess again. Give up?

SOCK MONKEYS!!

That's right. Our adoptive mothers Melle (maker of sock monkeys) and Sherry (sock-choosing maven) saw fit to complete Katr and my hope chests by mail with two adorable, hilarious sock monkeys! I'm not going to lie. There were tears of joy. And then some monkey-touching.  Katr chose the smaller of the two monkeys and has named her The Lavendar Ninja. She already has a theme song and sound effects. As for me - I chose this one.

I think I will call her Stretch.

Look at the personality on that face!

This is a monkey who'll wrap her long arms around you while you tell her your troubles. And then, when you're finished, she'll say tenderly: "Are you fucking kidding me with that? You think you have problems? Please. Have you SEEN my arms? I have to make an appointment to scratch my own ass! Now get me a banana and a beer and turn on Wild Kingdom."

I took this shot after she'd had a few beers:

And then I had to haul her drunk, gangly ass off the dog:

I think she'll be right at home here.

Thanks, other moms! We're the luckiest fat lesbian adopted daughters ever!! I look forward to a future with no wedding planning, in which Stretch and the Lavendar Ninja start a band and make music videos for YouTube. Stay tuned!!