Creampuff Revolution

Creampuff's Attempts to Leave Highly Relevant Comment Thwarted

I was checking out the headlines on CBC.ca tonight and saw that Steven Soderbergh is making a rock musical film about Cleopatra. I believe he's calling it Cleo.

A maraschino cherry nearly shot out my nose as I read this news item. I laughed until I choked on my Shirley Temple. Because not only is a rock musical film about Cleopatra kind of ridiculous, but IT'S BEEN DONE BEFORE. Does anyone else out there remember the MacGyver episode where MacGyver's ditzy actress friend Penny (played by Teri Hatcher) was in a terrible, cheesy rock musical about Cleopatra called Cleo Rocks??

I wanted to leave a comment on the story, about MacGyver and Penny and the gold outfit she wore and how I still remember all the dance moves from that episode. I wanted to share my opinion. I wanted to be reassured that I am not alone. But in order to comment, I had to "register".

Sure!  I care enough about discussing this story to spend a minute registering my account. After I click "create account", I get a notice saying that it may take up to 30 minutes for me to get my confirmation email.

We all know I love the CBC, even when it humiliates me personally on my wedding day. But 30 minutes? Really? Are the chimps loose in the server room again? I don't care enough to wait 30 minutes.

So I decided instead to write this post in the time it took for the CBC Member Centre to activate my account.

MacGyver fans? Anyone?

This CBC registration frustration reminds me of the whole CBC Anthem Challenge voting fiasco of last month, when I had to jump through all kinds of CBC hoops, including predicting who was going to win the Stanley Cup this year, before they would let me actually vote for the Hockey Night in Canada song I liked. Seriously? I watched the show LIVE on CBC. I came to the website. I "registered" to vote. I had to click through a bunch of different screens to have my say and now you want me to prognosticate as well? Jesus Christ, CBC! Just let me vote already!

I believe I wrote "Seriously? Just let me vote already!" in the "which team will win the Stanley Cup" section. The CBC doesn't need my profanity.

By the way - I don't want to get into it with people who HATE the new CBC Hockey Night in Canada song. But I love it, and not just because the winner is from Edmonton. I loved it a little less when they layered all the hockey yap yap over top of it (sadly, that's the only version I could link to. GodDAMN it, CBC!). But then my friend Jon Patterson rekindled my love for it thus:

Ah. So soothing. And yet, still nothing from the CBC Member Centre! Sigh...I guess the world will have to wait until tomorrow for my expose on Soderbergh's latest project. Unless the server room chimps beat me to it...

Thank you for letting me vent my ire and I hope you all have wonderful weekends!

Creampuff Delusions

I enjoy living in a fantasy world and endeavour to do so whenever possible. But I've been trying to be more realistic about things of late, in an attempt to achieve some kind of health/work/life balance.

In examining some of my more deeply held beliefs, particularly around food, I've noticed ... that I'm totally fucking delusional.

For instance:

I'll eat a bag of M&M's - not the little single serve bag, I'm talking the movie-sized bag here - without a second thought. But I'm always really careful about how many carrots I eat, because carrots are full of sugar. Same with bananas.

I enjoy the occasional soda pop and not always the diet pop - the real stuff, with the delicious high fructose corn syrup. But I'll rarely have more than half a cup of juice, any juice, because juice is full of calories.

For some reason, I consider pumpkin to be the ultimate health food. So anything with pumpkin in it is good for me. This includes pumpkin lattes, pumpkin scones, pumpkin pie, pumpkin cheesecake and the Pumpkin Pie Blizzard from Dairy Queen.

Peanut M&Ms are better than regular M&Ms. Because peanuts pack a lot of protein.

Potato chips have too much sodium, so I make sure to stay away from those. But Nacho Cheese Doritos are made from CORN. So they're okay.

When I make an omelette (one of two things I actually know how to make), I generally use egg whites, so as to avoid the yolk's cholesterol. But did you know that if egg yolks are part of a fried egg SANDWICH, then they have no cholesterol? It's true! It's like the bread neutralizes the yolk. Look it up.

I could go on, but it's making me hungry. But tell me this - am I alone in these irrational and arbitrary dietary delusions (no doubt brought on by my years of ill-advised low-carb dieting)? If not, please feel free to share your delusions below. And if so - lie to me. It's dangerous to have too many delusions shattered at once and since I discovered that Kozy Shack Rice Pudding does not, in fact, deliver the same health benefits as kale, I'm really on the edge.

Creampuff's Dog Exhausted After Voting

Emmy says:

"It's hard work being part of the democratic process. Naturally, I voted for the underdog. Then I rubbed my butt on the ground to entertain the Elections Canada volunteers. Make sure you get out and vote today - 'cause if you don't, I'll KNOW. And then you'll get THE TONGUE."

Creampuff Gets What's Coming

The dog dropped an prodigious deuce in an unfamiliar residential neighbourhood today and left me holding the bag. We walked for ages without encountering a trash can or a dumpster and after several blocks, schlepping this turd around was taking its toll on creampuff morale.

Finally, I spied a garbage can. The only catch was that the garbage can was in the courtyard of a seniors home and I was about four feet away from the garbage can, behind a wrought-iron gate.

It looked like an easy shot and I nearly made the junior girls basketball team in seventh grade, so I was confident I could pull it off.

I lobbed the bag of dog shit over the gate. It flew in a graceful arc before completely missing the garbage can and landing in the middle of the courtyard instead.

The bag did not remain intact.

It's hard to know what to do once you've flung a bag of dog shit into the courtyard of a retirement home in broad daylight. While my first instinct was to flee, I hung around for a few minutes, hoping that a senior would come out and, mistaking my tears of mirth for the remorse that most certainly came later, forgive me for my thoroughly disgusting random act of vandalism.

Sadly, all the seniors remained indoors, no doubt calling the fuzz to report that they'd been shit-bombed by some fat girl with an emo dog.

Since being arrested for smearing an old folk's home with dog shit is not on my bucket list, I decided to hightail it home. Emmy Lou did not feel my urgency and tried to slow down my flight by lunging at various fire hydrants and lamp posts. I finally gave in a few blocks from the scene of the crime.  And as I was standing under tree to let the dog do her sniffin's, some bird took a big, long, sticky crap all down my new sweater.

Karma. It's real. So, you know...next time you're about to shit-bomb the elderly, think about how great your sweater is.

UPDATE: Bevin, I never made the basketball team. But I was on the soccer team in seventh grade. Behold.

Creampuff Experiences First World Problem

It's a good thing most of you were up already - otherwise my howls of agony may have awoken you from your sweet, gentle slumber. Because at 6:12 a.m. on this frigid dark morning, I discovered that our Black & Decker Versa Brew coffee machine, which I prepped last night, was no longer working.

I wish I had a good story to tell you about the coffee machine. I wish I could tell you that it went down fighting - that I plugged it in and heard a roar, that glass shattered, sparks came out of its ass and that a harsh voice filled the kitchen saying "I reclaim this machine for my people!"

The reality is that I plugged it in and pressed the on/off switch only to find that the button was...flaccid and unresponsive. I proceeded to do what any considerate lover would. I plugged it into a bunch of different sockets. I fiddled and jiggled and coaxed and encouraged. I used a variety of exciting instruments to perk it up, to get it clicking again...to put the snap back in its turtle. And then when my efforts were met with naught, I gave up and loudly berated it for its weakness.

I'm ashamed to say that I called it a cheap piece of shit. Which is true, but still...a low blow. Particularly since I bought it specifically for its cheapness nearly two years ago and until this morning it worked just fine.

We've rummaged through our obligatory lesbian tea cupboard and unearthed some caffeinated tea - chai for Katr, China Black for me. And while the sudden and unexplained demise of the Versa Brew was extremely distressing in the short term, I suppose that when my wrath subsides, I will appreciate the opportunity to get a better, more versatile coffee machine. You know, "for the office".

In the meantime, the only soothing balm I had was this post on BLIOTD, which contains not only cute pictures of an adorable child wearing a hat I knit, but praise for the hat itself, which appears to have grown with the baby. Thanks to BL's Male Handler for brightening a very dark Monday.