Creampuff Revolution

Creampuff Likes to Keep It Simple

I really didn't think they'd let the "Pa took the biggest dumps in all of Kansas" girl get this far. But the fine folks at CBC's Canada Writes informed me Friday night that I'm one of five finalists chosen to compete in the national radio gameshow set to air November 20, 21 and 22 on CBC Radio One! Fame! Fortune! Possible humiliation and defeat! Either way I get to meet Elvira Kurt! Woooooooo! 

The only catch is that Canada Writes is not live. Shhhhh! It's true! They are taping the competition on Saturday, November 17th. If that date sounds familiar to some of you, it's because Saturday, November 17th is the day I'm pledging to forever intertwine my life with Katr's at our Big Gay Wedding Cabaret and Topiary Festival.

Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Yeah!

I knew that Katr was 'the one' from the minute I read her personal ad that fateful night four and a half years ago.  Oh sure, we've had our ups and downs - a certain postcard from "Louise" comes to mind - but my conviction that we were meant to be together has never wavered.This certainty was cemented further on Friday night when I told the producers I'd have to check with my beaverancée before I committed to spending the bulk of our wedding day writing hilarious shit jokes at the CBC and Katr told them "Just get her to the church on time!"

Seriously. Unconditional love and support AND a quote from My Fair Lady? How did I get so lucky?? I do not deserve her. But don't tell HER that, 'cause she's still got a couple of weeks to back out of this whole deal.

In other news, Happy Hallowe'en! I was hoping to gad about town in this little number tonight:

You all know I would have rocked this outfit, if by "rocked" you mean "looked like I ate a small nun and then stuffed myself into her teeny tiny outfit". But instead, I had to turn my attention to another important costume - my big gay wedding ensemble.

Back in August, Katr and I found a lovely and experienced dressmaker who agreed to make our wedding attire from scratch. She told us that she was going home to Poland for a visit in September but would be back in time to ensure we'd be clothed for the big day.

About two days before we were supposed to meet up with her again, I got an email from her saying that her father was dying over there in Poland and that she had promised to stay until his last breath. But she would probably still have enough time to make our dresses. Probably. Depending on when the man passed on.

I don't know about you, but we felt that keeping our chubby fingers crossed that some poor old man takes the long dirt nap quick so that his daughter can jet home and make our wedding duds seemed like a poor choice in every possible sense. So I sent her our sincere condolences and thus began a flurry of online searching and ordering which culminated today in Katr and I busting into a dressmaking and alteration boutique with giant dresses and panicked eyes.

The ladies in the shop were awesome. Once they'd finished their pinning and laughing at our fat jokes, we were both extremely pleased with our new silhouettes. On the way home, Katr said "I am so glad we went there. They really seemed to know what they were doing. And now that woman can go home on this lovely Halloween night and tell her kids that today she altered a dress for Mothra."

Photo credit: Pink Ribbon (on our wedding invite) by Lex

Creampuff Glamour

I usually avoid the cosmetics department. I don't really wear much make-up (a little mascara and '80's style eyeliner) and every time I walk through one of those places I either:

a) get hassled for a makeover, until they get a good look at my ass and realize that I might crush their delicate, distressed wire stools or

b) get guerilla-spritzed with Sarah Jessica Parker's Covet.

But our big gay wedding is coming up and we'd like to look good in our pictures and our lovely friend Mach volunteered to do our wedding makeup for us and we don't actually own any makeup, so yesterday found Mach, Katr and I deliberately entering the cosmetics department of the Bay for some makeover fun. Jealous?

We had initially planned to go to MAC, but they were very busy and important at MAC - too busy for last minute creampuffs. We were then drawn to the super-cool packaging at Benefit, but, while there was a makeover station all set up, there was no one working the counter. We waited around for several minutes, touching all the stuff and then finally asked the girl at MAC where the Benefit girl was. She told us that she'd never actually seen anyone working at Benefit. Good job, Benefit.

The MAC girl then pointed us towards Cargo, where the stools were sturdy, the brand was Canadian and they had Halloween candy in a bowl. It's like they knew we were coming.

There was some initial confusion over why we were there:

Mach: They're getting married and we need some makeup.

Cargo Lady: It's for a wedding? Which one of you is getting married?

Us: We both are.

Cargo Lady: Wha-? At the same time?

Us: To each other.

Pause while the Cargo Lady got it.

Cargo Lady: Ohhhhhhhh! Well, hey hey!

Minutes later I was perched on a stool, being brushed with foundation by makeup artist Kelly, while Katr was prepped on another stool and Mach looked on, taking notes and eating tiny Coffee Crisps. Kelly, who also does makeup for tv and movies, had some helpful tips for good "picture" makeup - nothing that's shiny and lots of contouring to create shadows. As she "minimized" my chins and created some cheekbones, I was reminded of that scene in Roxanne when Steve Martin tries to downplay his Cyrano schnozz with some dark shading action. I laughed a little to myself, then choked on the powder. Then Kelly nearly poked my eye out with a Q-Tip.

I expected to feel spackled, with all the foundation and powder and contouring powder and blush and eyeshadow and eyeshadow and eyeshadow and cream eyeliner and powder eyeliner and mascara and lipliner and lip gloss and I also expected to look, as my grandfather used to say, like a hoor. But it all felt very lightweight and I have to say that in the store, under the very bright lights, I looked pretty good. Still like me, but faker.

The lovely Katr was pleased with her look too and when it was all over, we bought alot of Cargo stuff. Probably too much stuff. In fact, between what we bought and the "gifts with purchase" I think we may have enough to go into the makeup business ourselves. We'd call our line Argo - Gently Distressed Cosmetics and all of the packaging would have mysterious holes right in front of the "Argo".

Starving and exhausted by the glamour of it all, Mach, Katr and I took our bags to a nearby eatery and chowed down. Later, in low light of the bathroom at the restaurant, I checked out my face - still looking good. But when we returned to our hotel, I saw the makeup for the first time under regular light.

It was like Sigourney Weaver, when she gets possessed by Zoul in Ghostbusters, had mated with the giant Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and I was their demon love-child.

Good thing the wedding is at night. Mach - work your magic!

In other news, it's October 26th! Strange Sisters at Buddies in Toronto! Urban Tales 10 - BiFurious! at Northern Light in Edmonton! Have a fabulous weekend!

Creampuff Soon to be Proud Owner of Cool CBC USB Pen

The lovely and talented Shannon Butcher tipped me off to CBC's Canada Writes contest at the 11th hour last week and I managed to squeak an entry in just before the deadline (my usual M.O.).

I was quite thrilled to receive a call from the cool folks at the CBC Wednesday informing me that I was one of three regional finalists in the contest! Woohoo!With my short piece about - wait for it - Pa Ingalls taking a dump! Yeah, that's right. I'm all class.

Longtime readers may remember the longer version of this piece from a couple of years back. I got to read the much shorter version for a broadcast on BC Almanac this afternoon. I was asked to alter the on-air version slightly, specifically the last line. They let me keep the grunting part but I guess "Pa took the biggest dumps in all of Kansas and Laura was proud" was taking things a little too far.

Check out the Canada Writes site for the other (much classier) contest entries! The contest continues next week with a new writing challenge and an interview. Will my endless repository of pioneer bathroom humour win the day?? HISTORY WILL DECIDE!! Or perhaps the judges.

In other news that shocked the world today, the dog refused to go out for her evening stroll.

Oh, she wagged her tail like crazy as I snapped on her collar. She gleefully sniffed the elevator, charged to the lobby door, got outside, saw that it was raining in sheets and immediately put on the brakes.

I pulled. She held her ground. I coaxed. I cajoled. She would not be moved.

Finally, I gave a mighty yank. Her neck wrinkles bunched up around her face as she dug her heels in.

A passing hobo called out "Hey lady - she doesn't want to go with you." I was forced to concede he had a point.

The minute I let up on the leash, the dog wheeled around and made a beeline for the door. We came back upstairs. I took off her leash. She looked at me as if to say "now what?" So I said to her: "Now what? Now nothing! That was IT, you IDIOT!"

I guess it's possible that she didn't feel like getting all wet again - I mean, it's true she no likee the water. But I suspect that she might also be getting back at me for this:

Creampuff Wonders What You're Doing October 26th

If you're in Toronto next Friday night, just kicking around, looking for lesbian fun, you would do well to check out Strange Sisters cabaret at Buddies. I will be there, performing my latest lesbonic Gold Rush-era oeuvre, The Diary of Rachel Keyes, Klondyke Nurse. There are many other fine queer performers doing their thing that night (films! videos! Lesbian rock opera!) and there's a fabulous party afterwards, where I will be performing my other oeuvre, Dancing Fatly While Clutching a Smirnoff Ice. It's modern - I don't expect the audience to really "get" it.

If you're in Edmonton next Friday night, just kicking around, looking for campy Hallowe'en cock rock horror fun, you would do well to attend Northern Light Theatre's Urban Tales 10 - BiFurious!

Or, if you cannot attend in person, Northern Light Theatre will be streaming the show LIVE on the web October 27th at www.bifurious.ca

By Jason Chinn, Darrin Hagen, James Hamilton, Rosemary Rowe
8pm, October 26, 27, 2007

“Being in this band has been like being in prison for the last ten years. I hope the next time I see any of you again- it’ll be in hell…!!”

Troubled rock band BiFurious have arrived to record their farewell album ‘BiSected’ in an abandoned warehouse. There are dark rooms, damp walls, abandoned wings and simmering hostilities that are tearing the band apart… But none of the members of BiFurious know that the building also harbors a genuine banshee- a female spirit- a weeping harbinger of death - bent on revenge.

The concept is brilliant and the website is hilarious; sadly I can't be there in person, but you can bet I'll be watching online on Saturday night, once I've returned home from my nursing engagement. Each of us playwrights were assigned one character (I wrote for lead singer Cody Gold - jealous?) and then our four bits were edited together by dramaturge or dramaturges unknown. So I have no idea if what I wrote even made sense! Which, let's face it, is how I like it.

In other, and final news, as of today it is now one month until our big gay wedding. Ha ha -BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAARG.

Quick Creampuff Vignette (Creampuff Barfingly Busy)

Katr, loading the dishwasher, finds a dirty glass that I had ingeniously tucked away on a shelf in the living room several days ago. The glass seemed to have grown a sticky appendage.

Katr: I'll let you remove your gum from the side of this glass.

Me: That's fair.

Katr: I mean, we're not married YET. We have to keep some of the mystery.

Creampuff Apologizes for Truffleus Interruptus

I've been quite pleased with my rate of posting the last week or two - smug even. A post nearly every day? Suck it, NaBloPoMo! And then . . . came then.

We took on a new client late last week and they needed some stuff done fast. We promised we could deliver pure internet GOLD (and we are) but it means that we're working into the wee hours and getting up again before the wee hours are fully grown. We haven't cleaned the kitchen since Sunday, the dog keeps making sad, lonely noises and most importantly (and perhaps shockingly), we HAVEN'T HAD TRUFFLES IN DAYS.

That's right - I haven't been holding out on you. We have not had the time to savour our wedding truffles since Sunday.

We're getting a little punchy.

I feel like I'm back in university, studying for finals or finishing an overdue paper, awash with coffee, trying to keep a lid on the heartburn, wondering who's humming that annoying song and then realizing it's ME. Oh, and speaking of songs - have you ever had it happen where you really enjoy listening to a song but the singer is a little muffled or has an accent and so you only catch a few of the lyrics and it's not until you've heard it 12 or 15 times in three days that you look it up online and realize the slightly mournful song you've been enjoying is actually about some poor woman getting terrorized then murdered by a prowler at night?  Yeah. Me too.

On the plus side, the stuff we're working on is about Halloween costumes. Fun! And a lot of them look like this:

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaah!! That's right. Shiver me timbers! I hope I don't get a rash.