Creampuff Welt

Hey. Other creampuffs. We need to get organized. Because we're all victims of a massive (with a capital ASS) conspiracy.

I'm talking about an attack on our pocketbooks, an undermining of our ability to leave the house with confidence and a ravaging of the delicate, sensitive skin of our inner thighs. I'm talking about the planned obsolescence of our pants.

Specifically the crotchal area.

The disintegration of the crotchal area of my pants has been a constant irritation, so much so that I often, given the choice, don't wear pants at ALL. The other day, however, I had to go see our real estate lawyer. And I don't have to tell you that lawyers like it when you wear pants.

I swear I have not worn these particular pants that often. Moreover, I actually inspected the crotch of the pants before I went out, just to make sure I wouldn't be breaking on through to the other side. I was about 15 minutes into my walk to the subway when I felt it. A sudden give. A windy-ness. And then . . .  came then.

When I actually felt my pants disintegrate, I thought I was hallucinating. It went something like: "Surely . . . surely my pants did not just disintegrate. Surely the combination of anti-histamines, caffeine and moving-related muscle ache is causing me to imagine that my thighs are on the loose. Surely no one will notice if I discreetly waggle my hand near my crotch to check if my . . . [gasp] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

And so it was. One minute I'm a sophisticated gal about town, kickin' it to the subway and the next, I'm the lead singer in a band called the Chafetains.

I didn't have time to go back and change into uncompromised pants. I was forced instead to mince my way downtown to the lawyer's office, surreptitiously yanking my right pant-leg up every few paces to minimize the formation of angry, fucked-up-pants welts. Am I turning you on? And then afterwards, instead of my coffee shop/library plans, I had to haul ass to the DUFFERIN MALL to spend $60 that I don't have on emergency pants. And then I was so worn out and tender from my ordeal that I gave up on the rest of my day, went home and iced my crotch.

I know that I am not the only person who has suffered in this way. I also know that Worn Out Pants Crotch Syndrome is not confined to creampuffs - it just hits us earlier and oftener. And what I want to know is why is it that we can put a man on the moon but we can't make my fucking jeans last longer than two months?

I could feed you all kinds of facts about the plus-sized clothing industry and their global conspiracy to chafe me, but then I'd have to find some kind of source for these facts and that would take away from my leftover Hallowe'en candy eating time. My point is that I understand that it is not in the best interests of the clothing manufacturers to make pants that last. That's why it's up to us to deal with our pants.

What we need are some scientifically-inclined creampuffs with some spare time and an aversion to thigh welts.  Together, these creampuffs could create a new creampuff pant crotch fabric - I'm thinking some kind of titanium/denim polymer. Would it be expensive? Possibly. Would it be worth it? DEFINITELY. If I'm already spending $360/year on jeans - that's almost a dollar a day, people! I could sponsor a child for that kind of money! - and not getting handjobs, then spending $250 for a pair of pants that last until I decided not to wear them anymore would be a DEAL. How 'bout it, Science?

Until this fabric miracle comes to pass, I think I'll be saying "no" to pants. Instead, you'll be seeing me about town in this little number.

Jealous?

The Chafetains. Heh heh.

Comments

[Drew]

See, when you always rejoiced about being "pants free", I thought is was more metaphorical than literal. Hmmm. Now I know.

I remember my stint with the Chafetains. I was in high school and I looked down and saw white flesh poking out where blue denim should be. Oh the horror and tramua. Have a slurpy on me, you deserve it.

[The Feminist Mafia]

Oh the Chafetains and I are dear old friends, mostly caused by low slung men's pants that allow the ladies to rub. Ouch!

But that's also why I gave up skirts (well, part of the reason). How do you avoid the Chafetains while wearing a skirt? Pray tell.

[roro]

Drew - I'm so sorry your jeans betrayed you. And I will certainly send you the bill for my Slurpee.

Feminist Mafia - honey, two words: BIKE SHORTS.

[Big Dyke Donut Face]

I can relate to you. All too well. Being barely five foot four and under three hundred pounds. It's hard to find clothes. Just recently, a thousand dollars was spent on the rejuvination of my Vegas Butch wardrobe and that could barely restore half a leg.
The large size clothing industry, I think, takes advantage of us because there is no selection.
I recently lost fifty pounds and I am still fat.
But keep in mind pants or no pants you are very entertaining and I really enjoy reading your blog.
Wanna know my name?
Gina Torres.
LOL

[wenders]

In skirts? Preperation H, ladies. Take it from someone raised in Texas, where anything is done for 'beauty'. I can't believe I'm admiting to knowing that little tidbit of fashion knowledge. Or find someone who likes how you look in skirts so much that you're not doing much walking. Heh.

[Lex]

It's true, it's true, we need new material for our crotches & butts! I didn't post about my pants ripping open but I have to say it was badly time, mortifying, and damned expensive to resolve. Not to mention I lost my favourite pair of comfie pants.

Of course, skirts in winter require tights. That's a whole new set of issues.

[Syd]

Last week I found a pair of my favorite pants squirreled away. I remembered putting them aside, but couldn't remember why. Wore the fuckers all day. When I was undressing, I "remembered"...because I SAW the fucking rip in the crotch. Not a small one either, mind you.

I'm so observant.

[Heather]

I'm lucky enough to have been endowed with thighs that not only have the consistency of cottage cheese, but that are saddle-bag shaped, so I am familiar with the chafing. I don't know who I have to thank (blame) for these conditions but when I find (the appropriate martyr) him he will have very sore nuts. Maybe you can use iron on patches inside them to prevent them from falling apart?

Also, I know some pretty kinky lawyers who wouldn't care if their clients wore pants. Just thought you would want to know, but I'm guessing most real estate lawyers would prefer pants- they're more the accountants of the lawyer world.

[marni]

I gotta say, you hit another jackpot. That is my number one pantal complaint. I'll tell you my latest trick-- darning. I have a darning option on my sewing machine and with a bit of matching thread I can darn any starter rips, and reinforce the hell out of them. Dark pants especially come out like new. Doesn't work so well on tights though.

I always hated how patches are "cool" if they are on your knees or ass, but in your crotch... less cool.

Have you found a good brand of bike shorts? I am using a pair of seamless yoga shorts that are okay, but not super. I love wearing yoga pants under my pants. I feel so sporty. ha ha on you lululemon girls!!

[roro]

BDDF - Oh my god. FINALLY A COMMENT FROM GINA TORRES!! Talk about making my day . . .

wenders - you've piqued my interest with this Preparation H business. Is the Prep H a preventative for chafing or does it just "reduce the swelling" after chafing has occurred?

lex - I remember you "not posting" about your pants mishaps and I definitely feel your over the tragedy of losing your favourite comfie pants. This can't happen again, Lex!! Titanium/denim polymer! And don't even get me started on tights . . .

Syd - but you ARE observant! Just more about things like boobs. And hey - I respect that.

Heather - the patches on the inside - not a bad idea. And thank you for that disturbing insight into the world of kinky lawyers.

marni - You're hilarious. And you are so right. Why ARE crotch patches less cool?? Your darning trick sounds keen. And I have found one kind of bike shorts that good - I think they're Danskin and I got them at Addition-elle for, like, $60 four years ago. That's right. FOUR YEARS. These things are indestructible - the way our pants should be!!

[dawn]

as a soon-to-be-lawyer, i'd be happy to see some clientelle come in to the old office pantsless. in fact, more pantslessness could only help the world, not hurt it.

[PainterWoman]

I think part of the trick is to have some slack in the thigh part of the slacks, so that the friction doesn't just erode the crotchal material. My loose pants chafe ME, but don't wear out. The tight ones feel better while being worn, but wear out quick. At least skirts leave the battle of the thighs to the things. (I disavow any knowledge of Wender's Prep H info.)

[roro]

dawn - as always, you give me hope. Thank you.

PainterWoman - well, that's the trade-off, isn't it? Either you get chafed by loose pants or your snugger pants erode. As for the Prep H - I was totally going to ask you. Always one step ahead of me . . .

[belledame222]

gahhh. loathe the chafing. usually i mostly suffer in hot weather. 'course that includes indoor heating. grumph.

[Big Dyke Donut Face]

You made my day.

[JenB]

Ladies, Monistat Anti-Chafing Powder Gel. They don't sell it in Canada, it's only available in the U.S but you can get it at drugstore.com I think. It's not medicated, it's mostly silicone so it's to prevent the chafe. I used up a tube over the summer because it was my best friend EVERY time I wore a skirt :)

[Delores]

I live in Ontario &you can get the anti chafing gel at the IDA in the tampon sedtion:>)

[Abi]

Oh my God. I am dying at work. And now having to explain my not-very-well-stifled laughter.