Underground Creampuff

So my blogging's been woefully infrequent of late and I wonder why. I suppose it's because I've been spending a lot of quality internet-free time reading microfiche in the basement of the Toronto Reference library over the last two weeks and then this past week, the lovely Katr was in town for a couple of conferences. So my days have been largely computer-free and my nights have been . . . bizzizzay. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

Anyway, my girlfriend has again jetted off to the other side of the country and I am weepy and disconsolate. Also, I have a meeting with my dramaturge tomorrow to report on my research progress, so I was going through my huge sheaf of notes tonight and found the following quotes and observations:

• "Matilda, in vulgar parlance, 'skedaddled'."
  
• "An unmarried man of intemperant habits." Sounds like my brother.
  
• "Both belonged to the class known as 'unfortunates'"/"A woman of abandoned character" - The Victorians were masters of euphemism and I feel that's a lost art. I would like to start hearing this kind of expression used in rap songs in place of "slut" or " ho ". How 'bout it, Ludacris?
  
• Toronto Total Abstinence League votes to tell the Toronto Soldiers Institute to cease supplying the soldiers with beer. Good luck with that, Toronto Total Abstinence League.
  
• Which of these two is the better advertisement?
  For clothes:
  
  "Parties wishing to have good fitting garments and at moderate prices would do well to call." 
  
  or, for dumb bells:
  
  "If You Want Excercise
  Buy a Pair of
  Dumb Bells"
  
• What the hell is a "skirt lifter"? Why are the American ones so popular? And why can't I stop sniggering every time I read an ad for "American Skirt Lifters"?
  
• "He loses all self-command and flies to the dangerous consolations afforded by that worst of heathen gods - Bacchus." Tell me about it.
  
• From the files of the Toronto Police Force: A woman went to the cops to have them arrest a guy who hadn't followed through on his promise to marry her. She brought a rope with her, in case the cops wanted to hang him right when they found him. Sounds like something my ex-girlfriend would do.
  
• May 18th, Yorkville: "In front of the Street Railway Station yesterday afternoon, the foot passengers were very much incommoded by a drunken man who lay sprawling right across the path. It was certainly a disgusting spectacle. What were the Yorkville authorities about?"
  
• Get Sperm Oil Cheap - GAH.
  
• May 25th, an article on the inquiry into "Lord Cardigan and the Balaclava Cavalry Charge". Who ordered that tactical move? General Mitten? Admiral Thick Socks? Commodore Hipster Doofus Gloves?
  
• Bernett's Cocoaine - 50 cents a half pint. Kills dandruff. SCORE!
  
• Took break from microfiche. Went to bathroom. Heard weird noise coming from sinkal area while in john. Came out and found woman scraping a carrot with a vegetable peeler. Not a euphemism. Actual carrot, actual peeler. Bold.

Ah, government funding. I hope that all you Ontarians feel that you got your taxpayer's worth right there.

In other news, all of you Torontonians can exhale - it was looking pretty dire, but it turns out I won't be crashing on your couches next month! I've managed to find furnished, cat-free accommodation with a friend of a friend. Since our mutual friend set us up, we're each hoping the other one's not a complete freak show. Will she think American skirt lifters are hilarious too? Or will she merely count the days until her Victorian-history-obsessed, yarn-fondling, long-distance-relationship-bemoaning lesbian roommate gets the hell out of her house? History will decide.