“Sooooo. That new girl in your office. Cute.”
“Indeed. Unfortunately, I think she’s straight.”
“Oh, honey - that’s what mai tais are for.”
A few years ago, an old friend of mine got me a subscription to Chatelaine Magazine as gift, because she had my address and thought it would be funny. I had the subscription for a couple of years, partly because it was free and also because my roommate at the time enjoyed it while on the john. Maja’s mai tai joke reminded of an article in Chatelaine, one of two articles in the same issue which prompted me to cancel my subscription. The first article went something like “Big hips? If you can’t stomach killing yourself, at least dress to cover your imperfections with these clothes from our sponsors!” I paraphrase, but you get the idea.
The second article was about girl on girl action. Most of the women interviewed for the article reported going through a “phase” of liking women exclusively, or actively being bisexual, before they eventually settled down with a dude.
For the record, I’d like to think I’m pretty cool about these things. I don’t embrace the binary model of sexuality OR gender; if you dig chicks AND dicks or chicks WITH dicks, I say good on ya! Just because I know what I like doesn’t mean I think you should limit yourself to just one or the other. My friend Sura, as is her right, refuses to date bisexual gals for she is terribly threatened by the idea that her girlfriend will leave her for a man. Me, I just think “Hey. Obviously, you leaving me at ALL would totally suck, but if you leave me for man-breath and farting at the dinner table, that’s not about me.”
ANYWAY - the Chatelaine article went on to say that experimentation was normal and that you should go ahead and do some, but at the end of the article, it warned that if you’re just experimenting with girl on girl action, you should probably STAY AWAY FROM ACTUAL LESBIANS, who are sensitive and will be hurt if you reject them later. Because we can’t tell the difference between someone who’s in it for a good story and someone who’s genuinely diggin’ the ladies. Thanks, Chatelaine, defender of lesbians everywhere. I will miss your boring pork roast with chutney recipes more than I can say.
I bring this whole “flirting with straight girls” issue up because I ran into a friend recently who is cute, vivacious, talented and nearly always has a new guy on the go. Every time we’ve met, over the last 7 years, she’s on her way from, or to, meeting her latest beau. She’s one of those people who harmlessly flirts with everyone and it’s charming. So the other day, when she coyly, yet determinedly peppered our conversation with allusions to her “girlfriend", I totally assumed that she was talking about some girl who was her friend, the way my boss Doma used to talk about her shopping partners. Imagine my shock and surprise when, minutes later, she introduced me to her new girlfriend and then made out with her on the street.
Again, I like to think I’m cool, but clearly I’m not, ‘cause I was a little freaked out. Normally when I discover that a longtime friend has joined the team, in ANY capacity, I rejoice and make jokes about who gets the toaster oven but with this babe, I was just . . . oddly and unreasonably suspicious. I felt like I should consult our mutual friends for an explanation. I vacillated between strange “has she paid her queer dues” bitterness like - Has she ALWAYS been queer or is this a new thing? How long has this been going on? and professional competitiveness in the form of: Damn! This means that now she can apply for all the same grants as me!
My ridiculous disgruntlement is obviously . . . ridiculous. The friend in question says she’s over the moon in love and that’s beautiful. Who am I to shit on that? What is my problem? How is this even any of my business? Why do we have to be “straight” or “gay", “real lesbians” or “Anne Heche"? Why can’t we just be ONE PEOPLE? As my straight friend Subr, after seeing our friend Mipa with a particularly rockin’ androgynous haircut, once exclaimed, “Maybe I’m NOT a Kinsey 1!”
What was my point? That I’m kind of a hypocrite? I guess so. Perhaps this has just driven home the fact that even if we “don’t believe in labels", some of us - the less cool ones - okay, me - we might still get a little freaked out when people climb out of the box we’ve unwittingly put them in.
Or, you know . . . the closet.
Comments:
Loved your piece, especially your honesty. I appreciate the way you challenge the dualistic, hierarchical, farcical ways we humans sometimes use to try to make sense of our experience. Can I say you’re both brilliant and funny without appearing to fawn?
Comment by Lady Marianna — Thursday, June 2, 2005 @ 8:56 pm
Of course you can, Lady Marianna! I’m sure no one thinks you biased in ANY WAY.
Comment by Rose — Thursday, June 2, 2005 @ 9:57 pm
Well, that hurt. I thought times had changed but I guess they haven’t. The lesbian community (at least your section of it) is still as righteously prejudiced against bisexuals as ever.
It’s amazing to me when people who should know so much about bigotry, turn around and practice it themselves.
Comment by Janine — Saturday, June 4, 2005 @ 9:37 pm
Well, Janine - I DID get a little righteous thinking that you’d TOTALLY missed my point, ("I’m not prejudiced! Some of my best friends are bisexual!” etc.) but reading that post over again, you didn’t really. I guess I thought that if I called MYSELF a hypocrite first, then no one else would! Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa! Thank you for proving me wrong. But I wouldn’t say that, in this case, my prejudice is righteous at all. I was trying to convey that, in fact, my prejudice was ridiculous and unworthy of me - because it IS - and that I should get over it. Because . . . as I said . . . it’s ridiculous.
Comment by Rose — Sunday, June 5, 2005 @ 3:24 am
Looks like I got oversensitive right before I got righteous. Misread your ‘PICK ONE’ etc. I think my eyes were glazed over from there on out and totally missed when you put Chatelaine down.
Glad to be wrong cause I like what I see of you in your blog and it was pissing me off that I was going to have to write a whole rant in response and wouldn’t be reading your witty
shitprose anymore. Whew.Where’s the ::embarrassed:: smiley?
Comment by Janine — Sunday, June 5, 2005 @ 4:01 am
Janine - no worries! My girlfriend said she found that part really confusing too and had to read it a few times. I’m sorry! I’ll have to be clearer next time I try to get all philosophical and
shitstuff. And thanks for the compliments!Comment by Rose — Sunday, June 5, 2005 @ 5:03 am