Creampuff Revolution

Creampuff Can Still Learn New Tricks

NB: This post is a little bit about software. If you don't give a shit - and I don't blame you if you don't - just skip to the end and enjoy being creeped out by the audio clip. Thank you.

I'm going to be teaching Berin the Bintern about Windows Live Writer today.

I don't usually have strong feelings about software one way or another, but I would totally take Windows Live Writer behind the barn and get it pregnant.

Unlike my actual blogging software of choice - Typepad - WLW  never eats my blog posts - it lets me see exactly what my post will look like while I'm actually working on it - it lets me resize photos and video players without me having to poke the html anywhere - and it's FREE. I could go on...but I'll refrain in case children are reading and you don't feel like explaining what "scissoring" is.

In preparation for my tutorial this morning, I thought I should give myself a challenge and try something new with Windows Live Writer - embedding an audio file.

Every year, my brother Jaro calls me on my birthday (in March) and leaves me a message using this creepy pedophile voice. The first year he did it, I was SO creeped out that I actually thought about calling the police because I didn't know it was him. And every year, I threaten to record it and put it on my blog and every year, I end up erasing it - UNTIL THIS YEAR, when Katr made me a copy! And today, I wanted to share it with you. I just needed to figure out how. But I know that WLW would help me figure that out! Right? Right, WLW?

My first moment of malaise occurred when I learned that WLW doesn't have an "insert file" option. Malaise turned to frustration after I conducted an exhaustive search for the right media player plug-in, which needed to be supported by the right freeware, which I couldn't find for PC and which also would have required me to start a Google sites account and become friends with someone called Dr. Knockin' Boots on MySpace.

The above took about an hour. I KNOW. As a total last resort, I typed my conundrum into the Typepad Knowledge Base. Where I was rewarded with the answer to my question in less than a second.

I'm not going to lie to you. I felt betrayed by WLW. Like I'd caught it behind the barn with Tracy Jordan. I don't want to cut it out of my life completely - but I think WLW and I might need to take a break. And maybe this afternoon, I might let Typepad get to second base.

Anyway - here's the clip. Enjoy - especially if it's your birthday!

Photo credit: Just another barn on Flickr by Grant MacDonald

Creampuff's Mind Blown Like Caligula

Gather 'round, kidz. Grandma's gonna tell you a story.

A story about a time...BEFORE THE INTERNET.

A story about a time when typing "tits" into the search bar got you nowhere - because there WAS NO SEARCH BAR.

A story about a time when we used to use something called a "card catalogue" at the library.

A story about a time when you could look up "tits" in the card catalogue but you wouldn't find anything.

A story about a time when your brother's friend Tommy Nickelchuk wouldn't let girls into the basement and you therefore had no access to Tommy's dad's prodigious porn collection.

A story about a time when you made do with what you could find.

Probably the best source of smut in my innocent youth was the public library, which housed all manner of bodice-ripping romance novels full of fairly tame love-making. I particularly remember reading the racy drama Lace and its shocking and aptly named sequel Lace II on the recommendation of friends who shall remain nameless (you know who you are, girls). Other favourites included the Clan of the Cave Bear series (you know you read them too, so zip it) and, naturally, the dirty bits of Sidney Sheldon novels that some helpful perv before me had marked by folding over the pages.

I would never check these books out of the library, you understand - that would be CRAZY. I just enjoyed them in the study carrels, taking mental notes on vocabulary and anatomy, but mainly blushing.

My other library reading passion was books about the making of films, which, for some reason, I also never checked out. I read about the making of Blade Runner, Dune, A Chorus Line - endlessly. I couldn't get enough.

And then, one magical day, my two secret library reading passions collided in one perfect book: Ultimate Porno - the Making of Caligula.

Here's the short version - the making of Caligula was a clusterfuck in every possible sense. And someone wrote it down and it made for really excellent reading and kept me clandestinely occupied for several weeks. Naturally, I could NEVER check out a book called Ultimate Porno - just the thought of the librarian giving me "the look" if I were to take it to the desk kept me from even considering removing it from the building. But I sure did enjoy it.

It's been a long time since I read Ultimate Porno but it all came rushing back when I saw the following tweet from my film-critic friend Paul Matwychuk:

I replied:

Paul and I had a little more back and forth and then I checked out Paul's excellent review of Caligula.

And then, a couple of days later...THIS HAPPENED:

That's right - the Edmonton Public Library responded to my tweet about Ultimate Porno.

First of all - how awesome is it that the EPL is on Twitter in the first place?

Secondly - how hilarious are they? VERY HILARIOUS.

Thirdly - what happened to the EPL's copy of Ultimate Porno?? That book was genius! It had it all! Drama! Action! Extras complaining about improperly sanded wooden dildos! I bet some less scrupulous youth than I made off with it after my love affair with it ended. Godspeed, Ultimate Porno Stealer - godspeed.

Fourthly - the librarians are ON TO ME. And it's TERRIFYING.

Don't leave me hanging like a well-hung Roman here, people. I encourage you to tweet about your own young adult horndog books and see if your local library responds.

Seeking Simone - Online Dating Has Never Been So Gay

I promised some hot girl-on-girl action, you pervs - here it is. We're launching our new web series, Seeking Simone! Right fuckin' now! Woooo!

The trailer and the first two episodes are up on the Seeking Simone website. And now, for the FAQs:

Q: Uh...what?

A: Yeah, that's right - we made a web series. It's a comedy about a young lesbian - Simone - doing some online dating in Toronto. Please, please watch it.

Q: Is it like Titanic?

A: It is JUST like Titanic, except with no boat and no budget and no one dies, except maybe a little on the inside. Also, it's gay-er. And funnier.

Q: I am a heterosexual. Will I be able to identify with the homosexual humour in Seeking Simone?

A: Yes.

Q: I'm a Buffy fan. Will I like Seeking Simone?

A: YES.

Q: I met (a) met my significant other online (b) have had disastrous online dating experiences which your show inspires me to share. Where can I do that?

A: Visit our Tales of Online Dating page and leave your tale of joy or woe in the comments. Please, please share. We'd love to feature an online dating story on the home page every week and it can't always be mine (or our intern's).

Q: I love Seeking Simone! How can I spread the word?

A: Obviously, we hope you enjoy our little low budget lesbo comedy and feel like sharing it with ... everyone you've EVER MET. If you do, please go ahead and do any or all of the following:

• Get our latest Simone news via RSS - keep up with new episodes and deep, insightful blog posts.
• Follow SeekingSimone on Twitter - we were there before Ellen! But we were there after AfterEllen.
• Friend SeekingSimone on MySpace - all the kidz are doing it!
• Subscribe to SeekingSimone on YouTube - for when you've had enough Dick in a Box.
• Join the Seeking Simone Facebook Fan Page - you know you're there already, playing Pet Society and Bejeweled Blitz. Or is that just me?

Thanks, folks! I promise not to shove my web series down your throat constantly. Love, Creampuff.

Creampuff Has Her Eye on You

We have a new intern starting today! She's joining us for the summer and I couldn't be more thrilled. Having an intern not only makes us unspeakably cool but will also, you know, help us kick more ass. I'm not going to tell you her name, but it RHYMES with "Berin".

Sure, this means that I'll have to wear pants two days a week, which we all know is a hardship - but I'm willing to make that sacrifice for the good of our business.

My only real concern, I told Katr, was that Berin would be too young to get my Monica Lewinsky jokes. That's when Katr informed me that there would be no Monica Lewinsky jokes. And also that:

• I'm not allowed to refer to the intern as "the monkey", as in "Bring me a Fanta, Monkey!" or "Monkey, rub my feet!"


• The intern will neither be bringing me Fantas nor rubbing my feet.


• I should avoid using my disgusting cuss phrases around the intern (i.e. instead of saying that Typepad is "shitting the bed", I should say Typepad is "slow today".)


• The intern is not here to walk the dog so that I can catch up on Pet Society.


• I can't tell Berin when she gets here this morning that she doesn't actually have the job and that in fact, she and our impromptu houseguest Padu will be duking it out for the position in a battle of wits and physical prowess which Katr and I will film and then pitch at the neXtMEDIA conference in Banff next week as a cross between Survivor, Eco-Challenge, The Apprentice and Gold Case.


• The intern will not be in charge of "scone appropriation", "muffin acquisition" or "latté liberation".


• "Starpukes" is a stupid "I hate it" name for "Starbucks". This has nothing to do with the intern, Katr just heard some guy on a cellphone yesterday going on and on about "Starpukes" until she wanted to give him a quick dunch in the pick.

Despite these dire warnings, I'm sure we'll find lots of ways to have fun with the summer intern. Like later this morning when I make her vacuum the ... no? Well, okay, then at lunch when she makes me a sandw - really? Geez. At least I have Topless Tuesday to look forward to, right? Katr? Right?

Creampuff Blames It on the Dog

I'm always bragging about our fucking dog. She's so cute! She's so quiet! She's so gentle! She never gets up on the furniture or chews our shoes or eats things off our plates or shits indoors! And the reality is that yes, compared to most dogs, our dog is a dream and I love her. But you know what? Sometimes, Emmy Lou is a giant douche.

Exhibit A: Hitting the Juice

The other day, Katr and I were enjoying a nice brunch in the living room.

Katr: What's that on the floor there?

Me: What?

Katr: That thing...on the floor.

It was THIS:

Emmy Lou had been assiduously chewing on something in the living room the night before. I had assumed it was the toy I'd seen her with earlier in the evening. But it appears that Chubby's charms paled in comparison to the power cord from our Sirius satellite radio boombox. Which, by the way, was plugged in.

I don't know how she made it through the whole cord without being electrocuted. Presumably she pulled the plug out before the mastication commenced in earnest. If not, our dog may have super powers! Regardless, checking her crap for copper wire has been a real treat. And now we can't listen to the radio, you JAG-OFF!

Exhibit B: Rockstar

If Emmy had her way, she would sniff every bush, tree, lamp post, blade of grass and construction worker we pass on our daily hour-long walks. If I had *my* way, we would stop at the beginning for a bathroom break and then confine our sniffing to the dog park we hit on the way home.

My solution is to compromise and pick a few sniff spots along our various routes. Generally, Emmy goes along with my compromise. But the nicer the weather gets, the more she wants to sniff and she thinks the best way to accomplish her olfactory goals is to drag behind me like a fucking rock in the hopes that I will stop and let her sniff EVERYTHING.

I enjoy walking. I don't enjoy walking and dragging a forty pound dog for an hour a day. I also don't enjoy hearing "Hey lady, that dog doesn't want to go with you." and "Aw, poor dog!" and "That poor dog doesn't want to go with that lady." It's not like I'm walking that fast, people - in fact, for most of you, my "brisk walk" is the equivalent of your "sleeping". There's nothing wrong with the dog. She's just being a jerkwad.

Exhibit C: Emissions

It may be difficult for some of us to pinpoint when exactly we became our parents. Not me. I officially became my mother last night at 8:27 p.m., when I interrupted the finale of 24 to ask "WHO is FARTING?"

Three guesses:

Whenever I find myself getting worked up over the minor misdoings of our dog, I like to go to a certain shar pei forum and read about other's people's dog problems. Today, I read about a shar pei named Wiggles whose owner is looking for a muzzle to fit his wrinkly face. Aggression problems? No no. Wiggles needs a muzzle because he keeps eating other dogs' craps when his owner isn't looking and then, once he's back at home, he barfs miscellaneous turds on her bed.

Ah, Emmy. Thank you for not barfing turds on our bed. All is forgiven. For now.

Creampuff in the Ring

Remember when I blogged about how I lost my engagement ring? And then I blogged about how Katr surprised me for my birthday with some new garnets for a new ring? And then the high high price of gold surprised us both and I couldn’t really afford a new ring because of my stupid laptop dying?

Well, a little while later, I received a delightful email from Adrianne of the Turtle Love Committee, who had an extraordinary proposal for me. The kind of proposal that involved me getting a beautiful replacement engagement ring that wouldn’t give me a rash! The kind of proposal I jumped at instantly!

As you know, I don’t generally blog about products, because I like to “keep it real”. Also, because no one wants me to blog about their products on my “I shit-bombed the elderly by accident” blog. But I wanted a new ring and I pretty much instantly fell in love with TLC’s engagement and wedding ring philosophy, not to mention their fun website. Plus, as Adrianne pointed out, after my spitting rage over my Dell, it would be nice to blog about something more …positive. Like pretty rings! That don’t require you to sell a kidney!

Here’s a tidbit from TLC’s website:

“Turtle Love Committee sells unconventional wedding and engagement rings for cool people.  The jewelry you select as a public celebration of your relationship sets the tone for the future. The value of the ring should be based on the love and commitment it symbolizes, not the financial expense it represents.  A ring from the collection at Turtle Love Committee is priceless - it represents an emotional commitment, not a financial one.”

Sing it, Turtles! You had me at “cool people.” I spent an obscene amount of time poring over all of the lovely rings on TLC’s site, checking out their blog and giggling over their hilarious “A Diamond is Forever” spoof site, “A Diamond is Expensive”.

As a sidenote - I don’t want to crap on people who love the diamonds. Katr’s engagement ring is a diamond with two peridots and it’s lovely. But I wanted garnets for my engagement ring because diamonds just don’t speak to me. Like Anne of Green Gables, I never aspired to own one - possibly because of Anne and possibly because of the line in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, where Ferris suggests that Cameron’s so tense he could make a diamond with his ass and now I associate diamonds with things that have been up Cameron’s ass.

Naturally, I took forever to decide which ring I loved the most and which would fit best with my wedding band. What colour? What setting? Should I go for “The Claw” or stick with my first love, the bezel? The ever-patient Adrianne got into it with me and together we found the perfect ring – the Sebago, avec garnet!

I figured out my ring size, thanks to their handy ring sizer and a few days ago, my beautiful new ring arrived in a sweet little brown felt pouch:

 

“We put a lot of thought into designing this pouch so that you can put it in your pocket without looking weird.”

Hahahaa! I thought about testing this design by getting Katr to put the pouch in her pocket before presenting me with it, but she wasn’t wearing pants, so there went that. Here, without further ado, is my new ring!

My pudgy Hobbit fingers aside, I think it looks pretty slick. The garnet is a deep, rich red and I kind of can’t stop looking at it. The band is nice and light, plus the whole thing fits perfectly, both on my finger and over my wedding band. And so far, no rash, friends. Score! Basically, the Sebago is awesome and I love it. Thanks, Adrianne and the Turtle Love Committee!!

In other good news this week, I finally got my laptop back from the shop. And it turns out it’s good I got my ring from the Turtle Love Committee, ‘cause I’m going to be eating ramen noodles for the foreseeable future in order to pay for that new motherboard. Mmm…noodles!

Anyway – if you’re getting ready to pop the question – if the question’s been poppped and you want to commemorate it – if you think question popping is meaningless but would still like to sport some relationship or non-relationship bling – basically, if you’re at all in the market for some cool, meaningful jewelry that doesn’t break the bank, check out the fine selection at Turtle Love Committee. And tell ‘em Hobbit Fingers sent you! I can’t guarantee that’ll get you special treatment, but uh…it would be funny.

Creampuff Neglect

We were filming a scene last night where a couple of babes get it on and I was reminded again of why I started writing in the first place: so that I could get my hot friends to make out with each other onstage or, now, on camera!

I'm living the dream, people! Unfortunately, I wasn't allowed to take candid photos of any wardrobe malfunctions that occurred. Actors! So touchy about their "boobs" showing up on the "internet"...

I'm afraid my poor blog has been as neglected as my lovely Toronto friends on this trip. I'm SO sorry - I love you all and I'm sad I'm missing out on seeing most of you this time around. If you're not:

• letting me film at your house
• taking on a small but pivotal role out of the blue at the last minute
• holding a boom mike
• being photographed without your consent on Church street after dark
• free to be an extra for a few hours at Fire on the East Side this Saturday

I'll have to catch you next time!

In the meantime - there's some hot girl-on-girl action to look forward to, so there's that. When?? Don't worry. I'll keep you posted, pervs.